About Patresa

I'm Patresa. I'm 36. I work in HIV prevention. I like bananas. I also like everything in my world to make sense. Everything. If it doesn't make sense, I will cut it open and pick it apart until it does. I think it's a control thing. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate the notion that we're all just sort of dangling off the globe like bats and pinatas. On that note, I'm scared of bats. (And pinatas.)

A lot of my fears don't really make any sense. Why am I scared of bats but not chickadees? Why am I scared of spiders but not ladybugs? Why am I scared of heights but not depths? Why am I so terrified of the unknown? The unknown doesn't care how I feel about it. It's still going to be what it is and do what it does. How many cool things in my life have I avoided because of irrational fears?  So much time and opportunity I've wasted detouring around things that don't make any sense.

One of my most aggravating fears is of playing my music in front of real live people. It's been on my Get Over It list for several years, and for several years I have avoided it with a really impressive amount of resolve. Mule-ish. See my guitar; ask me to play for you; then marvel at the superhuman speed at which I shut you down cold solid.

I have some kind of bizarre compulsion to constantly express express express (I don't know why. I roll my eyes even at myself.). Music was a big part of that until my early 20s after an unfortunate open mic incident. I write music. It isn't awful. I've heard a lot worse from people with recording contracts. I sing. I sing well. I play guitar. I am... mediocre. I play piano. I do that alright. And as far as I know, no one has ever dropped dead from a lame coffee shop performance. I miss music, and I feel like one of my expression valves is clogged up with junk. This fear really isn't serving me well anymore, so I'm going to get over it. Just thinking about it makes my hands sweat.