:: WHY WE BE ::

Boo to false, self-imposed limits, we say. These champion oracles want to live enthusiastically. Follow our trip through projects that challenge, frustrate, and/or scare us. In the end (which is really the middle) we want to live like big bright free and authentically awesome people.

About Tawni

My Life: I’m Tawni. I’m 39, and plan to remain 39 for the next 5 years, if you will be a dear and keep my secret. I played guitar and sang in rock and roll bands for 12 years of my young adulthood, until I got happily knocked up at the age of 34. (I am moderately disturbed that my bio is sounding like a math word problem, and promise not to start babbling about when the train arrives at the station.) I was playing in a band in Los Angeles when I got pregnant, so my son can tell his friends that he has already played rock shows. We decided to move to the Midwest when he was two months old, because the studio apartment in a noisy Hollywood building wasn’t working for us. The Midwest happily welcomed my husband and his former farm-girl wife back into its gravy-covered arms. The low cost of living then enveloped us in a greasy, red meat-flavored hug we really can’t shrug off, as we are paying the same amount to own a house with a huge backyard as we were to rent a small room in California.

My Quirks: I love bright colors, gardening, sparkly things, playing guitar and reading books. I like either very hot or very cold, coffee-flavored coffee. I believe in the power of eating vegetables. I have issues with closing lids. I am not afraid of rats or snakes. I am competitive to a flaw. I think feet are weird. I love to make a joyful noise. I think big dogs are awesome, but I love kitty cats the most of all. I am philosophically opposed to umbrellas because I think that feeling rain on one’s face is a spiritual necessity that should not be forsaken, and also; it’s just water. I have an irrational fear of team mascots, or any costume that doesn’t allow me to see the eyes of the wearer. I am shy to the point of social ineptitude. I don’t like to talk on the phone, and avoid it if possible. Wind makes me angry.

My Fear: When I was invited to participate in The COFFEE Project, I am embarrassed to say that for me it was more about narrowing down which fear I wanted to face the most. I am afraid of heights. I am afraid to ride a roller coaster. And as I mentioned above, I am afraid of people dressed as large cartoon characters, talking to strangers, and the phone. I’m kind of a mess. But the biggest fear in my life right now, the one causing me the most profound irritation is a whopper: the fear of failure.

I spent my pre-child years bravely chasing after my dream of being a musician. Now that I am a mother, I am trying to find a new outlet through which the creative part of me might emerge, and the one I keep coming back to is writing. I have loved writing my entire life. I have often been told by friends and teachers that I should be a writer (whatever the vague definition of that career might entail). I remember writing constantly throughout my youth. But I put it aside for music as I got older, or perhaps channeled it into the realm of song lyrics.

Now that I have a child, playing late night gigs in bars is no longer an option, and I’d like a quieter creative outlet like writing. I even have a decent book idea, but can’t seem to find the extreme motivation I used to possess. I think that fear of failure (i.e. insecurity) combined with a major lack of self-discipline is what may be keeping me from writing on a regular basis. So I am going to put on my big cowgirl pants, grab my fear by the horns, and figure out how get back in touch with the girl who wouldn’t let anything stand in her way. And I’m going to take you along for the ride. You will help by holding me accountable for my actions, and in return, you’ll have the best seat at the rodeo when I finally stay on the bull. (Or some other cowboy-themed metaphor in which I get to wear assless chaps a big hat.) I plan to be painfully honest with myself, and with you, so if at any point you need to tap out, the safe word is “chicken.”


Gloria said...

Gravy covered arms.

I love you.

Will you PLEEEEASE email me when you post here? I know it's an extra step, but I love reading you!

T-Free said...

Of course I will email you when I post here. And then I will hug you with my delicious, gravy-covered arms! :)xoxo.

Anonymous said...

Tawni rocks!! I love reading all of your FB posts so I think I'll enjoy this also.
Leslie W :D

T-Free said...

I just saw this! Thank you for reading, Leslie. :) xoxo.