Kim and No Sidekicks (Tanya)

We all have heard about those friends that you seek out in life to make yourself feel better. You know, the uglier or plain-Janer friend, the one who dotes all over you and lets you run the show. The friend who is just a little less funny or who looks uncomfortable in her own skin, usually wearing stupid shoes with an ill fitting skirt or saggy butt pants. The kind of friend will forever be wearing braces and thick glasses, even when the braces come off and the glasses are now contacts. The kind of friend who is a nervous puppy and never finds her confidence. Of course I'm talking about the “sidekick friend.”

Well, okay, if this is the kind of friend you are seeking, run fast and far away from my rock star friend, Kim. Kim is the polar-bombs-exploding-opposite to the sidekick friend who we’ve all seen, had, or heard about, the kind starring in Mean Girls or The Breakfast Club, and Kim is even a nice gal to boot. Kim is cool, hot, confident, determined, resilient, loyal, human, hilarious, patiently blunt, and wildly adventurous to say the least, and Kim has simply got-it-going-on. Kim has also ALWAYS got your back.

So I’m writing about Kim because I was thinking recently about what I love about this friend of mine. As I work towards self evolution and increasing this self esteem stuff, I have been struck by just how life saving and awesome it is that I have found someone like Kim in my life. She has truly been a life saver too, lit-er-a-lly. We have known each other for years, but only when we were both going through our separations and ultimately our divorces did we become uber close pals. Of course, this was due to another rock star friend, Liz, who in very common Liz-form, suggested we connect up while we were going through what we were going through (Liz is forever the social matchmaker of all sorts….. LOVE YOU TOO, ROCK STAR FRIEND!!). I simply can never thank Kim enough for the strength she gave me during those dark and shady days. I mean those terms, “dark” and “shady” in many many, many many endless ways too. Kim knows what I mean.

Anyway, I had to giggle recently at a concert Kim and I attended (Poison and Motley Crue for all you 80s/ 90s children – glam rock style, garage band dreamers unite!). I went on a school (aka work) day completely exhausted, so not into it, and definitely not prepared mentally or physically appealing to the eye. I didn’t change from my matronly work clothes (aka smart black cotton dress that hit me below the knees, sensible diamonique stud earrings for jewelry, little make-up if at all visible, and a general fuddy duddy vibe) except for changing my granny shoes to my way hipper (comfortable) flip flops and removing my slip. By the way, you should never admit to anyone you still wear a slip, even if Duchess Kate is wearing nude hose these days.... Anyway, Kim, on the other hand, looked like a respectable Poison / Motley Crue concert go-er. She was blinged out with eons of sparkle and the vibe on fire to match. And, most importantly, Kim has that appeal. She ALWAYS has that appeal. I lost count of all the random men (and chicks by the way) who either high-fived her, struck up meaningless conversation, asked for a smoke, nudged me out of the way to get closer to her, or generally just ogled her from near and far. Me, well, I was the invisible, sensibly dressed friend who knew her place and bounced around in her sensible dress impressing nobody, except perhaps Kim, and of course my die-hard heavy metal band friend, Carey, who is always the FOREVER ROCK STAR FRIEND too (thanks C, Bop, Tommy Lee is friggin' amazing, huh!).

So, all of this got me thinking about the COFFEE project. I thought, okay, this is good. Everyone SHOULD have a friend like Kim. A friend who steals the show EVERY SINGLE TIME, and who rocks in EVERY SINGLE WAY. A friend who is carefree and who lives life to the fullest. A person who takes every day as the day that things will happen and nothing less. I thought, now this is also healthy humility. I am not quiet. I am not normally a sensible person (despite wearing occasional slips under my unlined skirts). I don’t wear thick glasses and I had a retainer only briefly in middle school. I feel pretty decent in my skin, and I am not afraid to speak up to just about anyone, in polite fashion hopefully. I’ve kicked some ass along the way, in good healthy form, and I feel good about that too. I have never been known to be anyone’s sidekick, and Kim certainly would not allow me to be hers. She would kick MY ass if I did that. Anyway, I love Kim, and I love that when I’m around her, she makes me want to be just a little bit more spontaneous, a little less careful, and perhaps cuss just a little bit more. Like Shania sings in her new song after a forever hiatus, “today is your day and nothing can stand in your way.” Shania must have heard about Kim somewhere along her journey…..I'm sure she plans to thank her too. Shania is polite I've heard.

I wanted to write this COFFEE post to publicly thank my friend for being my true soul friend in all of her rock star, sex appeal-ness, cool vibe ways. Rock on Kim. Sidekicks, now rock out.

I am sure I haven't met nearly all my goals, but I will keep trying COFFEE mates. You all rock on too. :)

Whatever It Is (Tanya)

What has been on my mind as of late is good ol’ fashioned love and new age appreciation for L O V E. I’ve been thinking a great deal about all the loved ones in this vast universe who I cherish dearly so I thought I would look up what exactly it (“love”) means.

Who better to tell us about love than children, right?! So….. I went digging and found some groovy quotes from kids between the ages of four and eight. I think they are spot on.

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love."
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."
"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don’t yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."
"Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired."
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
"Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you’re scared they won’t love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
"There are two kinds of love: Our love and God’s love. But God makes both kinds of them."
"God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross, but He didn’t. That’s love."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day."
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore."
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
"Love cards like Valentine’s cards say stuff on them that we’d like to say ourselves, but we wouldn’t be caught dead saying."
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you"
"You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

I also read that the definition of love is “a strong positive emotion of regard and affection.” So if this is the case, man, I love tonssssssssssssss of people and of course a “few” canine beauties (who are basically people anyway). I don’t really have that stellar of any type of memory, but I’m sure glad my dogs don’t either (which according to some glorious child, keeps me in their good graces). But, seriously, I don’t just go throwing around that expression all willy-nilly. When I really think about L O V E, it really is the stuff like giving up the best piece of greasy fried chicken or the last fun size snickers, or drawing a heart with that special someone's initials in the dirt. It’s that feeling that can make your guts go absolutely wild. Zac Brown sings about it....."cause every time I try and tell her how I feel it comes out 'I love you.' You got whatever it is....." I like sentiments like this, and I've been thinking just what a gift it is to have that amazing and all encompassing expression in our lives and what loss it can bring when it goes awry. I have been thinking, well wondering, what do you really do with all of that, all of it?? One conclusive thing I landed on is that you can (I can) keep it all close to the heart, the good, the bad, and the gut wrenching. Being mindfully accepting of all that love brings is expressively cool and muddy warm no matter how you shake it. {...And knowing how to keep it close to your heart, very silently precious sometimes, even when someone else doesn't any longer...}

So when I look at the goals of my life, I think about how I can be better, more forward reaching and present minded with love too. I know I want to be a more humbled person; I want to smile and smell the roses and moth balls; I want to be earnest and giving; and I want to take life in stride. I know I wish to be a good influence on others, thus being one on of myself, and I wish to be the kind of person who takes everything seriously but nothing too intensely personal. I want to listen to the world and learn something new and remarkable every day, and I want to be open to new possibilities even when I hit a dead end. I want to make somebody’s day everyday. I think just maybe I’m making some headway on these goals. I also know very transparently that I’m not making these strides alone and definitely not in record speed. Perhaps, the other more conclusive implication is that love is also about a whole lotta growth. I like these more murky lines of thought so I think I’m going to dote on this for awhile……. And just maybe I will instead start saying things like “I love you with all of my guts.”

Lovingly,
Tanya H.

Peace the Bull (Tanya)

There is a ton of information out there about bullying these days, particularly pertaining to kids. Listed straight away below** are some fantastic resources for you to check out in the unlikely event you haven’t heard all about this great and phenomenal stuff happening. Thanks and much gratitude goes out to all the unwavering promotional help of one of my favorite humans ever ever ever, Ellen DeGeneres. LOVE ELLEN!

Dance on, Ellen! And Madonna too. And…………………… lots of good folk.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Br7nbQSIyhg

http://www.thetrevorproject.org

(**I am certain there is a better way to post links but I couldn't get it to show up with the above "insert link" feature.... so I gave up.)

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about bullying and just how disgusting and absolutely unacceptable the whole travesty is. You know, let’s start with the most basic of basics. Is what someone is saying to another person “funny ha ha” for BOTH people or instead, is the teeter totter clearly bottomed out on one side? This is a really important place to start, I believe yes it is.

So, we know, bullying in its worst face forward is aggressive and very intentional physical or psychological abuse towards another person. We know there is a clear imbalance of power and someone is clearly positioning themselves as dominant. We also know that a plethora of bullying is passive aggressive, calculative, and indirect. Social bullying can easily destroy people, and most often, the bullies get away with it. Overall, if we look at statistics, we know that around and about 30% of our youth (almost 6 million kids) in our country have engaged in bullying as either the target or the aggressor or both. Obviously, more people report being bullied than report being actual bullies. But, we all get the point. It is wrong, and it is up to us ADULTS to cut-it-out (please again see the above resources and kudos to Ellen).

You may now be asking, “Why in the bajeezus are you talking about bulling?” Well, I will tell you. Two reasons. Number 1 ~ I don’t like what is happening with our youth, and we have been discussing it endlessly in the mental health world, specifically in relation to sexual orientation and acceptance. Number 2 ~ It has become painfully evident to me personally in the past few months that adults bully with the best of the best, and this sucks.

Adults get more savvy as they “mature.” Adults use primarily verbal bullying tactics while they strive to establish power and dominance to “show who’s in charge.” They don’t like to take “no” for an answer, and they will try very hard to squelch anything resembling no. An adult bully has many ugly characteristics, including sheer narcissism. Others are the emotionally out of control bully with no rhyme or reason to when they strike out a victim, but there is little stress afterwards either (or striving to change). Others use physical intimidation instead of actual physical gestures. They loom. They take whatever they want using intimidation. Of course, we know “sticks and stone will break my bones, but words will never hurt me” really isn’t true at all. The wordy bullies use their language through rumors, blatant humiliation and direct name calling and slurs towards another person. Then, of course, we cannot leave out the bully follower who joins in to protect him or herself. Understandable I suppose, but very yucko, people.

I will come back to why I’m talking about this. I have learned a lot about myself in my adult life. I am certain I have engaged in bullying behavior in my lifetime, and I have had and continue to have serious conversations with myself about being sorrowful and humble to make ongoing intentional changes. I realize now, that particularly as a teen, I followed more than I should have, and I instigated more than I should ever admit (especially in writing… YIKES!). As an adult, I have not only vowed to change my outlook on life to be drawn towards the Positive Polly Pool, but I continue to vow and work towards being that person who says something, sticks up for myself or someone else, and by all means for the good of the balanced soul, I will not push anyone else around or make someone’s life a living Haiti Hell. I will speak up if I’m a random bystander and I see something going down, and I will put that in writing if I have to file a report in a public place (such as Hy-Vee last month when I saw/heard the vendor guy make an obscene racial slur about an employee). I guess, too, I am also thinking a lot about bullying because lately I’ve seen this happening more with people who I really love and care about in my personal life, and I have also felt the effects of this blatant refusal to take no for an answer to thing. I would (as Patresa so eloquently phrased it to me once, nothing related to bullying but still relevant in my mind) would “cut a bitch” towards anyone who hurts someone I love. ****Interpretation of “cut a bitch” means I will turn into a wild (zoo) tiger and protect my young (and peers and elders) in nonviolent but very cutting, mindful and deliberate ways****

To add to the subject more, and to quote Madonna (which I admit I did have to look up this exact quote knowing she’d spoken out on Ellen’s show about the topic), “If you want to talk about solutions or how we can solve this problem, try to get through the day, each and every one of us without gossiping about somebody. And not only that. Not even listening to gossip. Walking away from it. Can you imagine what your day would be like? How much more free time you’d have? I also feel like you’d feel better about yourself.” I would just like to congratulate Madonna on saying something profound and incidentally prolific, and doing so without sporting a pointy exposed bra. Nice going, Madonna.

That is all I have for today about my irritation and unacceptance of bullying. Thank you for reading the Tanya Hadley Soapbox Opinion Blog.

Did I mention I will jump out of that airplane before my birthday (mid-May)? It will cost me around $200, and I will be there around two hours for “training.” My jumping will end with me being documented visually and audibly. Maybe when I do this, I will proclaim “BULLIES, BEWARE. SUCKERS!!” And then I may do a double herkie in the air (which will be tricky since I will be attached to another human body).

In celebration to the goals of all the COFFEE-mates and all the wonderful mates out and about along our journey and inside our worlds, I will end with the wise words from The Daffodil Principle. Learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time ~ often just one baby step at a time ~ and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world…

Peace out mates.

Must Love Dogs (tanya)

This is becoming a theme, but I am brain impaired, very tired, mildly stressed and have little to say or probably should say.

So I will copy off a post earlier by a Coffee-Mate (haha) and post pictures of the canine beauties and lifetime buddies who I will unconditionally love and adore forever and who soothe my heart and soul in all good times and bad. Please don't expect too much creativity here.

Lloyd and Lucy (my children).....






Ft. Scott Bentley and Allie.....







Kansas City Bentley.....






My parents' dogs, Sammie, Dottie, and Sophie.....


My sister's dogs, sweet Molly (who just died 1/28/11 at the rockin' age of almost 15), Alice and Mindy.....





And finally, two of the sweetest girls you'll ever meet and deeply rooted in my heart, Cody and Josie (I will miss them forever. Cody was the smartest dog I've ever met who could climb a ladder and shut off a light, and Josie drove with me for all of her nearly 13 year Boxer life, and made me cry harder than just about anything when she elegantly went to Heaven).....





I love dogs. And these are not even close to all of my wonderful friends' wonderful dogs, but I have to stop somewhere. I love dogs for all the reasons we all love dogs, but to say it simply without any real justice to these buddies, I love them because they make me happy every single day of my life, and they are the most genuine creatures on earth. And of course children, but that is for another blog and perhaps for someone who actually has human children. :)

Also, despite earlier stating I am mildly stressed, please let me clarify, this is predominantly golden eustress laced with many smiles, so life is good.

Happy Dog Days.

Peace,
Tanya

i will never be on a reality dating show (tanya)

Well, okay. I just caught up on COFFEE reading tonight and realized, oh, I think tomorrow is me. This is really an awful time for me to post. I will post, and I will not be offended if people ignore this quickly and try hard to forget it was ever (badly) written.

My last few weeks have been pretty not cool, but also not terrible too. AND, also, in perspective, especially with Steph’s last post, my junk just seems weak and very unimportant.

So, well, my happenings have been stewing and brewing in the relationship world for quite some time. Being 36, and being 36 and divorced, and being 36, divorced, and trying to figure out the best foot forward is clumsy. I have called this “adult dating” since I got divorced and jumped back in the dating waters, and I may now change this term to “adult decision dating.” That really does make more sense because there is so much riding on dating now. So long are the days where you throw caution to the wind or common goals in life are as relevant as matching socks or sober dates. So long are the days that you don’t question to the brutal stretched hamstring every SINGLE thing and tiptoe around all the hot buttons in life. So long are the days that you are a stupid head.

So basically, I decided (there’s that decision part again), to end a dear relationship. This was right, and this was yucko hard, but this is done. There is never anything fun or cool about relationships coming to a close, and I’m pretty certain nobody avoids feeling like a big fat turd bucket. I’ve also noticed everyone is left with lots of the sad muck layered with endless internal dialogue, but I’m focusing on the goal of no regrets with infallible respect, love, dignity and kindness.

This is my post. I got nothing else tonight ladies. I will post this tomorrow and forget we ever had this conversation. I promise. Oh, and I will be smiling though. I’m still doing that constantly, and the horizon is very very bright. J-Lo sunglasses for everyone please.

BRace Yourself, T. Don't be Stupid. (Tanya)

I’ve taken a bit of a nosedive lately. Nothing crazy awful has happened, but I’ve been dealing with a knee injury, which leaves me unable to receive my much counted on and adored daily therapy the past several weeks, and this feels crazy awful. Oprah has been famously quoted as saying, “Running is the greatest metaphor for life, because you get out of it what you put into it.” Running for me is truly the ONE PLACE, ONE WAY I am able to work through my thoughts and emotions in a fairly reasonable and productive way, and I believe, not be a completely erratic and ill-behaved person. Running is the ONE THING that, athletically, I’ve also actually performed quasi-well throughout my life. I love sports, but if we’re being honest here, I really have never been anything more than average, and I played a ton of Junior Varsity Basketball in high school. It has only been after high school that I found a super cool friend and therapist in Running (insert glorious music here). I once even ran into my former high school gym teacher at a 10K in college, and she was SHOCKED to see me there. I know this because she rambled on and on, and on and on about how I was the last person she’d ever expect to see participating in any race. Come to think of it, I believe I just smiled back at the comment, but inside, I was like “Okay lady, I got it. I was a lazy cheesy butt in high school. No-ted.”

So anyway, without my running friend and therapist, I have been a little off my roller chair and have merged hallways illegally over to the cranky-dark-gloomy-feel-sorry-for-myself side of the building….a tad anyway. What am I supposed to do, Oprah?!! I’ve been trying to keep my chin up, smile nicely, obsess as minimally as possible and not freak out that my running muscles are withering away as fast as I type this (which with all due respect to myself, I should mention I am a killer fast typist), and after weeks of sharp pain, and even a few weeks of absolutely no running and only walking, I bought a (stupid) knee brace. I first walked with this (stupid) knee brace, and I thought, “Hey, ok, I think the knee brace engineer people know a little bit what they’re doing,” and the next day, I began running. I ran 4 slow miles, and I WAS FLIPPING ELATED (insert more music and jumping cheerleaders doing multiple aerials)!! I cannot express just how my mood sprung high, the birds began chirping, the weather actually warmed up (briefly), and I felt on top of the World of Nice again, and I’ve ran 4 slow miles each day since that glorious moment a few days ago…. with my (stupid) knee brace. However, as I type this, my knee is throbbing, and I have visions of punching this computer screen to oblivion, as well as thoughts of maybe even yelling at a stranger if they dare look at me with any pity in response to my notable limp and pseudo working knee (insert Dracula or The Shining music here). Of course, I won’t do any of that, and I won’t even cry despite really wanting to throw a tantrum right-this-very-second.

I know this knee injury will heal. I know what to do. I’ve been down this slow road before, and I know it’s going to take a few months, not weeks. I actually did buy a Jillian Michaels yoga DVD this weekend, and I think I may even do it. I have several yoga DVDs that I actually quite love despite not spending any face to face time with them in the past year(s), but I thought I needed a serious kick booty new DVD to get me motivated and distracted from my good friend and therapist, Running. I know we need a break, some relationships just do sometimes. In the process, I’m also hopeful that my legs and butt won’t turn to mush, which of course in my brain they’ve already done to some degree (and maybe I already had mush, but so not the point). I also swear the whole thing makes me shorter, for reals shorter, not to mention my weak arms. I seriously soooo had Welcome to the Gunshow for arms before this injury (wink wink), totally. So basically, I just need to complain and grieve my injury right now, and I am using this forum to do this very silly shallow job. (Am I supposed to be focusing on some goals or something??) It is also providing me with some nice self indulgent therapy, thank you COFFEEs. BUT, I proclaim, I will wear my BRace during anything resembling a work out, try not to run, and stop being so stupid.

Identified goals are good one way or another….. and relationships are very hard.

Yours Truly,

Tangy T-Bop Walker
Pseudo Athlete Extraordinaire Who WILL Race Again, BRace or No Brace

Papa C Retires.... and I Admire (Tanya)

I realize that I do a whole lot of apologizing when I write a post, and I will not do that here (maybe, ok, likely I will).

I don't have a humongo progress report but limited is better than nada, right? Okay, so here goes.

1. I have been more okay with inadequate feelings and move through them cool as ice (no, not really, but progress has still been made).

2. Smiling: Oh yes, check check check. You betcha! After looking at Amy's recent pictures, it also dawned on me I need to do another crest whitestrips if I'm showing off my pearlies so much.

3. I've still been focused on being more charitable, and I have contributed and given the shout out to some important causes, but I have pulled the purse strings a tad at Mass (man, that sounds bad as I type it). I've amended this to giving the biggest bill in my purse but not the whole wad. I had to (feel like I had to).... I am a social worker (or this goal is too hard, but I am putting it all out there for full disclosure whatever it is).

4. Speaking up more: Check check CHECK. I will also admit there may have been some "did I just say that?" moments, and there has been regret.

5. Time-outs...... Um yeah, I need more work on this one. Talk about drinking the poop, Stephany. I can definitely still BE the poop.

6. Saying something nice to everyone I encounter: I am going to be honest. I forgot about this one.

7. Text less, call more, gossip less: YES! (And not always.)

8. Listening better: I am going to high five myself on this one. I have actually learned truckloads about myself as a listener, and I will keep on truckin' on. :)

9. Intentionally nicer to my mother: YES! I feel good about this, and I love my mother. (Complicated.)

10. The Rosary. Okay, this is one of those things that is so daunting, and I am failing miserably. I keep getting all this material on how to pray The Rosary, and I've given it a few half hearted tries, but I am failing. I am pretty certain God is wanting to have a very candid talk with me about this one. He also wants to talk to me about missing church a few times..... Holly, I think I need a prayer board stat......

11. Finish reading The Kindness of Strangers book. I want to lie and say I did, but I only almost did. I'm very sorry Tawni.

Well, damn, I cannot NOT apologize because I have significant focusitis.......

Okay, BUT here is what I really want to write about (so goals can suck it.... not really, I just have been saying that a LOT lately, and I'm writing this post with no edits). So my dad, also known by many who love and adore him as "Papa Cecil," has retired. He retired December 30, 2010 after THIRTY SIX (36!!!!!) years of dedicated service. When I say "dedicated," this doesn't really do any justice to what I am shouting out from my heart and gut. No words accurately capture the kind of work ethic my father has, and no words come remotely close to describing how much I admire him. Again, Webster's Dictionary doesn't have .00001% of rock star adjectives for me to accurately describe my dad. He is the kind of person who Wendy, Patresa, or Tawni could write and sing songs about that would be full of upbeat tempos and interesting notes with groovy harmony (I'm not sure that makes sense, but it does in my head). He is kind, loving, honest, true, respectful, respecting, generous, forgiving, funny, intelligent, patient, inspiring, strong, and........................forever awesomeness awesome things. Maybe it would be clearer if I had Katie or Becky take pictures of inspiring things that represent my father better than I can write it out. Any ideas Ladies? :)

Coming to terms with the fact that he decided to retire was not easy for Papa Cecil, especially leading up to R-Day. Since I first met my dad the day I was born, the man has worked ridiculously long hours intuitively. He has defined much of his life by hard work. I actually once worked for Papa Cecil (I cleaned up logos on the computer, and it was super duper awesomely fun), and he was the single best supervisor of my life. He would also let me off work on a moment's notice.... to be fair, I think I should also disclose this. I'm also pretty certain he paid me more than I was worthy.

So, my emotions are radically traveling all over the map on how I feel about my dad retiring. Of course I am elated and super super fantastically excited for his new ventures in life, but I am strangely sad for him. Now, I am his daughter and very very likely being 200% more dramatic about his retirement than he is, but I cannot help but worry. He, on the other hand, is proclaiming excitement to "just figure it out for awhile" and probably start up his own lawn or car detailing "business." It's not about the money, and he doesn't need a lot of customers, but he loves doing this. He thrives on being busy and LOVES being outside (you should see his mammoth of a yard.... really, it is like a national park). This is what I keep reminding myself of, that my dad, dear Papa Cecil, is going to be Papa Cool.

I have also had a great deal going on in my world on the job front. My dad, my counsel, helped me through a great deal of transitional anxiety leading up to the changes and new endeavors I'm taking on the last several months. For those of you who don't know, I am a therapist at a community mental health center, and I manage Crisis Services out of one of our locations. I learned in December after several months of speculation that upon one of my all-time favorite people's retirement (my crisis supervising "partner"), I will be taking over supervising crisis services in another office as well. This is scary, hairy, exciting, ball-busting, challenging, brain draining, and cool, and I very well may pee my pants at some point. Not really. I may, however, feel like peeing my pants or taking a sooner vacation than planned. How's Germany, Katie?

I just cannot thank God enough for the dad He gave me and that I have my dad to help me through any pee-in-my-pants moments to come. I do hope for my dear, cool beans father, I can lend a quality ear every once in a while or blue moon if that's his jive, and I hope he enjoys his retirement and gets used to the idea of a little chill and relaxation. I don't even need any notice for that ear, Dad.

So, for the New Year 2011, I throw out many cheers and endless admiration to Papa C........ and continue to high five you awesome blossom COFFEE gal pals. Keep on rockin' on Becky, Amy, Steph, Patresa, Wendy, Holly, Tawni and Katie!

Letter to Me: Yesteryear-ish Younger Self (Tanya)

This post will be short because I am writing it after I got home from a long day of day and night job, and my brain is half working best case scenario (when tired, I also have a bigger flair for the drama). I will do my best to get something remotely comprehensible posted.....so here-it-goes.

Okay, so I saw this book the other day that completely stopped me in my tracks (shopping for toothpaste or something... yes this was at HyVee Grocery Store but they really do have some cool books). The book I'm referencing is called What I Know Now: Letters to My Younger Self by Ellen Spragins. I thumbed through it quickly to get the basic jest, and I did enough "speed reading" to know I like it. One of the seventeen AMAZING women featured in the book (if I counted correctly) is Olympia Dukakis, and in her featured letter she wrote some great things such as "a fine mess you've gotten yourself into this time" as well as "everyone gets kicked down the stairs." So I thought, hey, I will write myself a letter, sort of along these lines. Sureo, I've been kicked down some serious stairs or more accurately tripped down most of those stairs.......

Dear Tanner May, T-Bop, Tangy, TC,

You are one stubborn lady, and one day you will drive these stubborn bones of yours in ways you never imagined possible. Your Grandma Juanita didn't call you "bullheaded" for nothin'! Although you may find yourself plowing through packs of Marlboro Lights for more years than you should, ruminating on the trials of the mini-world you've been exposed to, be prepared that stuff will keep happening to make you ball up in a chair wanting to go idle until life's muck passes through, but you won't. You will find that if you keep putting one foot in front of the other or at least doing a tiny shuffle-along, you will not be just fine but rather really cool-fine. You will learn over and over that your dear father "Papa Cecil" is right when he says "some people that'd bother, but not us...right?!" You will actually start thinking this naturally and immediately when those victimy things happens and smile inherently at odd moments when any reasonable realist person would be beckoning the troops or pursuing an appeal. The coolest part is that you will learn to want to get over yourself, but, and this is a notable but, you will struggle with this. Oh will there be some sorry feelings and firey moments, and you'll learn hard lessons like Karma really is a bitch. Lucky for you, you have amazing pals. These pals will stick with you for the long haul marathon no matter what your performance, so be good to them, always remember your pallies. And Young Person, my inner pal, you will learn along the way that you are so un-awesomely imperfect and irregular that you can't imagine or ask for life any other way. Your mistakes will be mountains, but you will try harder each time to be better than the last, make fewer intentional mistakes and turn all the mountains into nothing less than groovy hills. Some of your mountains, well, you may always regret; keep moving forward, keep shuffling no matter. Keep moving, always listen to your heart, listen to the pulse of your guts, and life really will quiet the muck.

Rock on, and high five a lot of people along the way. This is what you are born to do.

Much love,

Tanya

The Bill Art of Listening (Tanya)

So I have a co-worker named Bill Art. He’s a fascinating guy who works in Crisis Services alongside me, and we’ve done some trainings together, so I hope he doesn’t mind me referencing him. I won’t go into great detail about him other than to say he inspires me as a clinician and as a person, and I thought this would be a nice catchy title to my post. Bill Art is inherently kind, he is an exceptionally skilled therapist, very passionate about the work, and he really listens to people. He also is very in tuned with health in general. I find these things to be exceptional, and I like Bill very much as a person.

So I have been trying to work on listening. Listening is very hard. I read a statistic once that we remember something like 25 to 50 percent of what we hear, yikes! If you break down the actual time of the last intimate conversation you had with a friend or worse yet, your mortgage broker or your boss, even bigger YIZERS! Anyway, I believe listening was #8 on my list of self- improvement goals a few posts back (I re-checked that, and I am proud to say I REMEMBERED that was #8, so take that future Dementia!!).

So anyway, to really really, really really really actively listen without constructing a response prematurely is challenging. Sometimes I come up with fantastic responses before I even have any clue what the person I’m conversing with is saying, and that is just not cool, not cool at all. So, I’ve been working on listening with a wide open brain, cleared, fresh of any preconceived notions in hopes to hear brand new ideas and maybe even change my mind a time or two million. Sometimes, lately, I’ve even found myself and the other person just looking at each other with a small silence after the person is done speaking. THEN I’m like, whoa, ok! Yes, I heard everything you had to say! And I have feedback for you now on every single thing you had to say. I like it very much. Plus (and I heard this in a training once), nobody will ever listen more closely to what you have to say in return than when you summarize his or her own words back to him or her…. “So what I hear you saying is….” So really, this is a win-win for everybody!

Now, I am a trained listener. I know all the important things about good solid active listening. I know how to pay attention with good eye contact and good body language positioning myself to face someone without crossing my arms and whatnot, and of course demonstrating absolute compassion. I feel the compassion, and I (usually) mean it. I know how to use good nonverbal signals like a good “hmmm hmmm” and an occasional nod and facial expression to mirror someone’s words of pain or happiness or anxiety or whatever. I know how to give a little feedback with good timing and paraphrase what someone is saying or ask for clarifying information if I need more. I know when to not speak, and I know when to assert myself with someone a little more directly and honestly and maybe even in candid ways, obviously showing the utmost respect all the while.

Now, all of the above, I am excellent at doing these things in my professional world. Well, of course, not perfect, so perhaps “excellent” should be stated more like “usually good.” An example of this would be recently when a gentleman looked at me exasperated and said, “You are just like my wife! You are sitting there acting like you’re listening to me, but you’ve zoned me out! You’re not helping me at all, this is a waste of time.” So, there are moments like this that make me sit up with better posture and examine my listening attitude. Zoning someone out is probably far worse than throwing at them a ton of “yes, buts……” or reframing what they’ve said incorrectly. Note to self.

In my private, personal space life, where I get to wear my Vans sneakers, frayed jeans, and no make-up (or maybe more make-up if I’m all snazzed up for some fun, woo!), this is where things get really tricky and murky and sometimes a little smelly and stupid. I still know all of the above things, and I even use the above skills 62 to 78 percent of the time, but sometimes it is just so absurdly hard. I would like to increase my numbers to the 90-percentile range. I say things to people who I absolutely love and adore like, “well that sucks beans” (usually with a scowl), and I can be Queen Beezwax at zoning out and implementing avoidant behavior (i.e. opposite of any remote listening “talking to the hand, man”). If I don’t feel like listening, man oh man, do I not listen. Some eves, by the time I get home, I am literally so spent, I have nothing to say, nothing to hear, no eye contact to find. But, BUT, when I do pick up that phone and talk to someone who I love and adore, and when I do talk about his or her day, it is fabulous. When I do find that human eye contact, that face-to-face connection, it is ahhhh-mazing. I always feel a little sparkle. It is so worth it! I mean seriously, I always talk to my four-legged kids when I get home. We always have a little diddy of a conversation of, “How are you, how are you??!! How are my babies! What would I do without you two!! Did you have a good day? You did? Oh yeah? What did you do? Were you good?? You are such little knuckleheads!!! Wanna a treat?? You do, you do??! Well let’s get a treat!! Yes!! Yes!!”…. So, you get the picture, and I talk to them all night basically (because that is how I roll, and I don’t plan to stop talking to my dogs by the way).

Okay, so Goal #8. What have I done? Well, I have been picking up that phone more and calling people. I love love love listening to my music to and from work, and instead, I’ve been (sometimes, not every time, but truly a lot) using this time to call people. Real live people. I know this may sound lame, but I spend a lot of time driving going from work to work, so this is golden opportunity social time for me. I have also been trying to complain less and listen more in general. I have no idea how I’m doing on this one, but I am throwing it in here to keep me honest to keep trying. I’ve also been trying to plan more things with friends and be more open to find time DURING THE WEEK. Why is this so hard anyway? This is still very much a work in progress however. Weekends, however, they are pretty stellar if I do say so myself. Yay me!

The other things I’ve been doing are things like trying to make more connection with people in just random places (kind of goes along with smiling but I think it’s fitting). This brings me to a quick story. This past week I stopped to get gas really quick on my way home at a station I like to go to in Prairie Village (Prairie Village is the kind of place that just makes a person feel a little bit richer by the way). Of course the pay at the pump feature was not working so I had to actually physically walk away from my car and GO INSIDE and prepay the cashier. The line was long (like seven people), and everyone was seemingly grouchy sporting furrowed brows. So I walked in, and it was really stupid cold outside by the way so the “long” walk was very cold. So I walked in, made a point of smiling at anyone who looked my way, and then I struck up a conversation with the cashier. I learned that he’d had a really long night with the pay at the pump feature going out hours ago, and he was really stressed and frazzled. He was working his tail off, and he had hours of work yet to go. So here I was, first being Miss Annoyed Pants at my inconvenience at my one pay at the pump malfunction, and he was dealing with like a gazillion grouchy patrons mostly in a hurry to get home and giving out little patience or gratitude. I gave him more patience than I felt and told that Mr. Cashier Man to have a wonderful eve and that I hoped his night went smoother and expedient. He at least smiled, and if I’m not mistaken, I believe another man after me was smiling and chatting it up with Mr. Cashier Man when I left.

Okay, so this is me, which brings me up to the current of today. I have had a lot on my mind recently that maybe I’ll write about next time or something close. I am thinking this should maybe be a goal to figure out extra tools to deal with “stuff” I have little control over or that’s really just “sweating the small stuff” instead of racking up extra miles on my treadmill, which I’ve been doing a lot of these past few months. Maybe “listening” to my own knees……ha, just thought about how listening applies here too! I could most definitely use some variety (that I will stick to) in my outlets for mind muck (I also love the word “muck”).

So anyway(s), it is cold outside so I think I will pour myself a cup of coffee and find my first victim who I can actively listen to today. Hopefully I will not zone anyone out. I am also attaching a few pictures from last year; really this is for no specific purpose, but the other COFFEE chickadees have all been posting such cool videos and pictures, I thought I would join in. Included here are 1) me trying to feel and listen for the presence of ghosts at Queen Anne Hotel in San Francisco (rumored to be haunted by the nicest ghost in the world by the way), and 2) me training officers on mental health (look at how excited I am to be listened to noted by my “animated” eyes!) Woo!

tryptophan success (tanya banana)

Well well well, wellwellwellwell…………. I don’t have a ton of superstardom to report so this will be vertically challenged and sweet. In fact, once this post actually goes to delivery live zone, I will probably still be snoozing away still in my jammies, hung-over from the massive amount of the turkey’s tryptophan I’ve inhaled, topped off by hopefully some delicious cabernet and several pieces of fruit pie. So yeah, this is where my brain is currently functioning right-at-this-moment….. HOLLA TO THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY! High Five Pilgrims! And thanks, Abe, for the time off work. :)

So with that little tiny clarification and weaseling out of any humongo or life changing expectations, here is what I have noticed and what I am proud to report to my ultra coolio hipster COFFEE chickadees:

I have continued to give more wholly (or holy if you're into puns) in the offering at church, with one tiny itsy bitsy slip up. I actually thought I gave my fullest (i.e. what funds I show up with on my person) last Saturday evening, and it was not easy for the record. I hemmed and hawed about how I needed to minimally keep some moolah to pay my nine year old neighbor / dog sitter on Tuesday because I wasn’t sure I could swing the time to stop off anywhere to get some nominal cashola. Well, here’s what actually happened however. So after all of my hemming and hawing, getting the money out, putting some back in my wallet, getting it out again, I gave the wad (ha ha, “wad” is all about interpretation!!), and I made my peace and smiled about it. Well then, Monday night rolls around, I’m doing bills online, reconciling my checkbook (yes I am old school, and I still do this) and totaling up all of my millions of receipts jammed in my wallet, and right there falls out a $20 bill. I don’t know whether this was God’s little gift to me or if it was a bit of a Freudian slip. But, I will do better next time. I promise I will.

So the smiling thing. YES! I have so been doing this. I have smiled my little heart out all over the Kansas City metro, and I plan to do it all over Nebraska starting tonight (which is actually Wednesday, 11/24/10) through the weekend. The greatest part about this is that I’ve also noticed so many other souls also smiling their little-big hearts out! The other day I was checking out in Hy-Vee Grocery Store in a total hurry, grabbing a quick (delicious) sandwich to run back to work when I got (“of course”) behind the lady who needed a manager to come by and give her a refund for the turkey that the cashier forgot to ring the coupon. I took a silent invisible breath, smiled, and I decided to just stay put in my line anyway. I did have the option of just moving over to the next lane, but I thought, oh c’mon, not that biggie of a deal. By staying, this gave me like 2.7 minutes to actually get back to work and eat my sandwich before I had to see my next client, but I chose to just be patient and smile and experience the moment. This gave me ample opportunity to check out my surroundings and assess my company of Hy-Vee-ers. EVERYBODY was smiling. I totally swear I had been taken back in time to Hollywood and was a character in It’s a Wonderful Life……. “Well whaddya know about that!” Ha! It was a really cool little diddy of a moment, and I was honored to be behind Turkey Lady, who eventually got $11 off her turkey with the manager’s code, took her time paying with a check, needed help with her groceries to the car, and obviously had a lot of cooking to do to celebrate with her people. And, I have also smiled at / with approximately 10 (bordering on 11.5) other people that I did not feel like initially smiling at / with, and I am certain they did not initially feel compelled to smile at / with me.

My list continues onward, and I am giving it good solid college level thought. More to come there, I very much promise. I have to admit, some of it is so hard..... very very hard. Like hard to the point I get grouchy and glad I'm not being filmed on a reality show. But anyway, smiling.......

Oh, and I did some initial research on jumping out of that airplane. I can have the whole experience documented with pictures and video, and it’s gonna be a hoot!

That’s all I got for today. Rock on hot COFFEEs.

Unflattering Angles.... So I Will Find Better Mirrors (Tanya)

“Narcissism: Mental disorder characterized by extreme self-absorption, an exaggerated sense of self-importance, and a need for attention and admiration from others. First identified by Havelock Ellis in 1898, the disorder is named for the mythological Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection. In addition to an inflated self-image and addiction to fantasy, narcissism is characterized by an unusual coolness and composure, which is shaken only when the narcissistic confidence is threatened, and by the tendency to take others for granted or to exploit them. According to Sigmund Freud, narcissism is a normal stage in children's development, but it is considered a disorder when it occurs after puberty.” (www.answers.com)

So why am I defining narcissism? Well lately, I have been wondering if I have been living in a very narcissistic fashion, very orderly to the likes of me. Do I think I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Well, no(ish), hopefully not, please no. However, recently, I was watching this documentary, and I was SO struck on how much I resonated with the person highlighted in the story (I never intend to reveal the documentary by the way, no way Jose). Then, while watching, the expert psychologist on the show explained the person as having very narcissistic traits. My heart sank, and then I found myself crying, the kind where the tears roll down the face. I believe at that moment, I cried for many of the things in life I should have been more aware of but that I have been TOO self-absorbed to even notice. I should mention, I am not opposed to crying, I am all for emotional expression, but I am not one to do this so randomly. Yes, I will cry at the Hallmark commercials, or watching the Nicholas Sparks love story, or of course watching the powerful gut wrenching “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch, but this crying incident was RANDOM. This was a wake up. A sad but much needed wake up. I have been really caught up in me. No, I don’t need a lot of worldly praise, but if I’m honest, I don’t mind it. I don’t exploit others (I HOPE I DON’T), but I am certain I have not been honoring and truly nurturing my relationships. I have not appreciated the authenticity of all the awesome relationships in my life and all around me. And yet, I have been eons about me me me. Me.

So, I started thinking of the COFFEE project. I thought, okay, I need to do something about this, do something wonderful, make use of these tears. REALLY make a difference in this world no matter how minute the difference or silly I feel right-at-this-moment. Really change who I am for the better because this silly stupid documentary just made me cry! Screw embarrassment. Although, I will also take this opportunity to apologize a bit for my posts (1, 2, 3) being all over the universe, but I figure, that’s okay, right? That’s the point right? To be figuring it all out as we go. Take off the make-up, wear your hair down with no hair product, be bare bones… this is me, Scary Spice even more scary. Yikes!

Now, back to personalities and selfishness, and taking off the layers. I am very aware what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is. I work with people all the time who have this or strong characteristics, and there is a difference between a little healthy narcissism versus unhealthy narcissism. The healthy kind is good, and we need it sometimes for our own security and mind’s good health, the kind when you love yourself for who YOU REALLY ARE and assert yourself when necessary. On the other ugly hand, the unhealthy kind sucks the life straight out of you, and makes it impossible to love, express feelings, and you end up hurting a lot of people in very sucky ways, basically everyone in your path, and everyone thinks you’re a big fat moron (i.e. Mel Gibson, bless his heart….). Healthy narcissism is something that you can turn on sometimes for your own security and happy sanity, the kind that has you dancing alone in front of hundreds of people at a concert and only caring about the music’s beat, certainly not caring if you’re blocking the cranky old lady’s view. The bad kind is when you only love the IMAGE of yourself that you want people to believe but that’s totally bogus. And, we all have both kinds. BOTH kinds. Lately, this is what has me worried, and I find myself speculating interactions with new vigor. Have I been having the wrong kind more often than not with me being heavy sided on me? The more focused on success and all the time I spend so independent and more often alone (or working), am I turning into something a little cold and detached? A little stinky and yucko? Somebody who will start to lose people and feel unfamiliar with authentic relationships and eventually forget how to nurture these relationships? Sadly, I think a little bit. I can be very much about me. I don’t like that. I don’t like that at all. Except, sometimes, I do because it’s easier. Yuck.

Side note. There was a time in my life a few years ago, 2008-2009, where I was put-in-my-place. I shall never forget this time. During the time I was going through the biggest transition of my life, aka getting ready for “single-doom,” something strange and nightmarish started happening in my everyday existence called panic. I began to have moments in my daily routines and responsibilities that would actually debilitate me by full-blown panic. You know, the kind of things you hear about….. I would sweat profusely, black out, cry at inappropriate moments, experience heart rates so rapid that there was no doubt at that moment that a heart attack was happening. The moments where I found myself jetting out of a room, a grocery store, a mall, a restaurant, just about anywhere was fair game, and I would run for dear life to a bathroom, my car, the fresh air, whatever and wherever I could go to get away. Moments where I would get sick at work. Moments that ultimately I decided were unacceptable and stupid. So here’s what I did. Well, first, I should admit I decided that I had diabetes. Yes, I actually convinced myself that I had diabetes (however, there was that sneaking suspicion something was a little amiss with my self diagnosis). Anyway, I told just about nobody of my panic. I mean, HOW EMBARRASSING, right? I treat panic for the love of Pete’s therapist! So, I finally sought out help through a few sessions with the likes of my people. I never told that therapist about my panic symptoms, but just talking helped immensely. I don’t know why I didn’t tell her about the panic, but I did start facing my anxiety head on and never backed down. I did all the things that I advise people to do to work through it, AND IT WORKED! Nobody nobody nobody knew at my job. I continued to do presentations, run meetings, and see clients (and treat their panic). I never missed a day of work due to it. I continued to act like my transition was smooth sailing and that I had so much support that I couldn’t be bothered by stress of transition. Well, in fact, nobody at my job (except one person) even knew about my transition until a year and six months into it. So, I guess, maybe, all that was a little healthy narcissism, yes? And, perchance, my panic was quite apropos.

So, here’s the dealio. I have been reading all of these fantastic awe-inspiring posts that have been making me want to be OUT THERE. BE A YAY ME for above average reasons. I want to be a B++ student. Not worry about the image or constantly striving for the perfect A. Not worry about being perfect or scared of looking stupid or not knowing something or just whatever. There are A LOT of whatevers. But mostly, I will work on being less absorbed and all about me. I will work on perspective, and I will work on empathy. Empathy is everything. I will like people that I don’t want to or at least be more tolerable. I will be less rigid and more flexible (of course this may be more Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, but I will include it here for now). I will be more about other people because that is who I want to be. That is love defined for me, and if I am to be honest and love myself in healthy happy rock star B++ ways, I will strive to love unconditionally and show respect and genuine interest in a more global way. I will be hopeful.

So….. I am going to follow suit, march behind my COFFEE warriors and talented hot tamale sisters, and make another list. This list will be how I am not going to be the bad kind of narcissist sucko (I stole the word “sucko” from Russell Parks fyi… he will likely never read this but word to you Russell!!).

1. I am going to be okay with my feelings, and when I feel bad or inadequate or a sucko, I am going to express these feelings openly and then get over it.

2. I am going to smile more at people that annoy me, especially the people who instantly annoy me (and consider the possibility that I instantly annoy them too).

3. I am going to donate more money and trust in God that it will all work out (and I will shop less for me).

*** Since I wrote #3 (as a I wrote this post a few days before my “scheduled” posting date), I have had to follow up on my big words noted by the following instances:

A) I was at church, and the money I normally give in the offering isn’t necessarily the “biggest” bill in my wallet (you know, in case I need some cash for Sonic or whatever), but this past Mass, I decided to start practicing what I preached and gave it all (and resisted the urge to leap over the pew and grab it back from the usher once he’d passed).

B) I went to a benefit concert solely for the purpose of the listening to an amazing band but while there, actually learned what I was benefiting and now plan to do more, which I WILL figure out what because it’s been IDENTIFIED (and I still REALLY enjoyed listening to the music of The Elders and now I want to go to Ireland on tour with them in May!!).

4. I am going to speak up more when I think something sounds goofy. If I’m wrong, well then I will learn that I am wrong, and if someone thinks I’m a turd, then, well that keeps things interesting. “Interesting” is actually quite versatile.

5. I am going to put myself in more time-outs before I speak when I’m mad, terse, or believe that I was just insulted or slighted, and I will take this time to GENUINELY consider if that person has a point and if I am the above turd.

6. I’m going to say something nice to each person I encounter each day. Yes. And I’m going to try to be a mirror of hope. Cheesy, yes, but this is who I want to be. I would rather be called a stupid moldy cheese ball than a buzz kill narcissist-y person, which again, I fear can be my twin.

7. I’m going to text less, call more, and spend more time with people face to face in personal ways. And gossip less.

8. I’m going to ask people more questions about them and really listen without composing in my brain what I’m going to say next.

9. I’m going to be intentionally nicer to my mother.

10. I will pray more. And I will learn to pray better, starting with The Rosary.

11. I will finish reading The Kindness of Strangers (which is still not a fiction (another goal) but it’s not a work book… wooo yah!). Oh Tawni, Sister, I wish I had your "reading too many books" issue instead of "plopped down in front of the t.v. " issue. :)

And…………………dot dot dot………………more cool things. I will be like an open window to more really cool un-narcissistic things. Thanks for reading. Yizers.