:: WHY WE BE ::

Boo to false, self-imposed limits, we say. These champion oracles want to live enthusiastically. Follow our trip through projects that challenge, frustrate, and/or scare us. In the end (which is really the middle) we want to live like big bright free and authentically awesome people.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

i will never be on a reality dating show (tanya)

Well, okay. I just caught up on COFFEE reading tonight and realized, oh, I think tomorrow is me. This is really an awful time for me to post. I will post, and I will not be offended if people ignore this quickly and try hard to forget it was ever (badly) written.

My last few weeks have been pretty not cool, but also not terrible too. AND, also, in perspective, especially with Steph’s last post, my junk just seems weak and very unimportant.

So, well, my happenings have been stewing and brewing in the relationship world for quite some time. Being 36, and being 36 and divorced, and being 36, divorced, and trying to figure out the best foot forward is clumsy. I have called this “adult dating” since I got divorced and jumped back in the dating waters, and I may now change this term to “adult decision dating.” That really does make more sense because there is so much riding on dating now. So long are the days where you throw caution to the wind or common goals in life are as relevant as matching socks or sober dates. So long are the days that you don’t question to the brutal stretched hamstring every SINGLE thing and tiptoe around all the hot buttons in life. So long are the days that you are a stupid head.

So basically, I decided (there’s that decision part again), to end a dear relationship. This was right, and this was yucko hard, but this is done. There is never anything fun or cool about relationships coming to a close, and I’m pretty certain nobody avoids feeling like a big fat turd bucket. I’ve also noticed everyone is left with lots of the sad muck layered with endless internal dialogue, but I’m focusing on the goal of no regrets with infallible respect, love, dignity and kindness.

This is my post. I got nothing else tonight ladies. I will post this tomorrow and forget we ever had this conversation. I promise. Oh, and I will be smiling though. I’m still doing that constantly, and the horizon is very very bright. J-Lo sunglasses for everyone please.


Micah said...

:-( Always keep smiling and laughing. It truly is the best medicine.

Wendy said...

Aw, Poo. I'm sorry to hear about this, Tangy. That's enough to put a crimp in anyone's cramp. Adult dating sounds like a drag, but it just may be a blessing... knowing more precisely what you want, being mature enough to know when you're wasting time, not being a stupid head... this new found awareness will result in something truly beautiful, I just know it. And you deserve that cuz you are one fine fox!

patresa said...

ah, t. i'm so sorry you feel sad and yucko and like a big turd bucket. and i congratulate you on keeping your head on and having the strength to do difficult things. you are one of my very favorite people, and i learn much from you. big windfall of happiness on your horizon, Good T.

blj said...

hey T, I hear ya, feel ya, it's a challenge, adult dating, for sure!! But as you know and like P said, you have to do the difficult things when they're the right things. Recognition is the first step, action the second. Sounds like you've got it covered! I know it's icky though. Hang in there.

Steph said...

Oh, Tannerya.... Dang it. Suckage. Poop.
If this comment does what I wish it could do, you would feel a huge, full-of-love-&-respect hug from me. {huuuuuuuuuuggggggg} I'm sorry you had to make this decision. I'm proud of you (very proud of you!), though, for approaching it like a grown-up, with thought and a knowledge of what you both need and what's best.
Dating in these days must be difficult... grown up dating... huh. Doesn't sound like nearly as much fun as college-age dating - those were some good times. No, wait, that sucked, too! :)
I just know that this decision on your part is going to open up a door that you will be so happy about going through... in the meantime, be on the lookout for those windows, girl. They're open for you, too. Head up. Love you, T. You are a J-Lo glasses wearin' ROCK STAR!

P.S. Please don't forget we had this conversation. It's a brave, bold declaration that you have your poop together, girl. Might not feel that way, I realize. I think this post is a fitting tribute to the good, honest, and amazing soul that you are.

amy said...

Not even, T-COFFEE, on the apologizing. Love is never having to say you're sorry, and you know I love you. In my J-Lo sunglasses.

I haven't dated in awhile, but I listen to this Atlanta/Nashville morning radio show called The Bert Show and they're always talking about the perils of adult dating. And occasionally they get people who are still mentally in high school trying to navigate the world of adult dating, and those are always fun shows to listen to.

Anyway, one day they were talking about how integral texting has become to dating. And Jenn Hobby (the adult voice of reason on the show) says women have to nip that in the bud. Like, after her first date with her (new) husband, he asked if he could have another date with her again and she said, "Yes, but only if you call me first." Because the texting thing can apparently get out of hand in Dating World 2.0.
...although quite frankly, for a phone avoider like myself, this texting stuff sound pretty dang heavenly.

Either way, it sounds horrendous, and you have my ear and sympathies any time you need/want them. And having to end a relationship is never fun, even if the relationship isn't dear. But it's especially gut wrenching when it is a dear relationship.

So no deep and jumbled thoughts--just big hugs and back pats from me. I think you are chock full of love, respect, and dignity. You're good people, T. Good, good people.

Tanner May (Tanya) said...

Hey THANKS you all! Ya know, I was just thinking, J-Lo DID get it right, and that didn't look so promising for awhile. I bet she didn't let Marc get away with texting her for dates for certain. :)

Thanks again, seriously, it's just super duper to have the support and hugs from ya'all.

And really, at the end of the day, I really do talk to my dogs more than the average person so I'm totally golden one way or another.

Holly said...

Tangy T, I feel your pain. Just entering the world of adult dating after 11 years of marriage is a stressor to say the least. Boy, have I learned some lessons. None of them particularly fun. There are soo soo many things to negotiate now. ugh. I kind of hate it. But, as Amy pointed out, it never was particularly fun. One of the best parts about being married is not having to date. Maybe I need to get a couple dogs, too???
Oh, T.....so sorry about this transition even though you know it's for the best. It still sucks rocks. I think us single gals in the adult dating world could form our own blog about the crap we have to deal with.
oh, about texting and dating....I have mixed feelings. I'm going to have to think about this one.
Lots of love, hjh

T-Free said...

Oh no. My poor sweet T-Bop. Ending relationships is always the worst. I'm giving you a big hug and a bottle of virtual red wine drunk in sympathy with you. We will wear our JLo sunglasses and toast to all of the positive, wonderful things that are waiting ahead for you, my dear. Hang in there, boo. xoxox.

Katie said...

Tanya, this kind of thing is never easy, or very pretty. I'm so sorry that you had to make this kind of decision, but I am so impressed that you had the strength of vision to follow it through. Good for you, strong lady.

Relationships can be so messy, and it can be really hard to decide when they are not a good fit. I hear you, and I hope the sadness is short-lived, made shorter by the comfort of your own good judgement.

Some people have fun dating, but I never did. It was too fraught with the "what ifs" and "could bes." I eventually found Axel on eharmony.com but it was quite the road to get to him. I feel ya on the dating scene - as someone perpetually clumsy on the social front I sympathize completely.

I deeply respect your ability to make good relationship choices, even the hard ones.

But lots of hugs and warm flannel-pajama vibes coming your way in this hard time anyway :)

Tanner May (Tanya) said...

Hugs you awesome people!!