Well... This was the week that I finally announced the big news that I’m preggers! I am 17 weeks along. Due in July. BANANAS!
It’s a seismic shift in my world, to say the least. But here I am. And I have been procrastinating telling the world without knowing exactly why. I am awed by this wee little life tumbling around inside my guts - I inherently know that this baby will be the medicine that will heal my splintered world. I know this intellectually, but my heart always has a hard time catching up with my brains. It’s kind of the perpetual state of my being – not feeling ‘caught up’ to life's motion.
And, I’ve realized, that’s why I’ve been feeling so lost... because I haven’t made my move to catch up, yet. I've been feebly resting on the same wiener-ish stance: “I’m just lost... I just don’t know what to do with my life next”.
So my next big COFFEE goal is to stop being a wiener.
I need to start taking a proactive roll in my life - not some distant mirage I can't even make out. I need to stop trying to create a Play-Doh mansion out of a crème puff and start devouring the crème puff with gusto.
So. Here are my two main goals:
1. Get more engaged with my blessed baby-filled reality.
2. Start making music again.
That last one may require more explanation... Because music has represented a fair amount of hurt in my life, I’ve let my voice get stifled. As a result, my mood has gotten more and more anxious and more and more irritated.
And then, just this week, it dawned on me. I’m anxious and irritated because it’s like I’ve packed up my most favorite, prettiest dress in a box and stowed it away in the attic. I’ve buried that thing that makes me feel alive.
You sing and you write because the music is in you, not because you are trying to cram yourself into the music (world). The music world is an illusion anyway.
I have a LOT of shadowy demons to get past and it’s not going to be easy. But I’ve been inspired by Patresa – who has been making music just for the sake of it.
I want to go back to that - free of agenda, free of illusions.
Isn’t that how creativity should be? Like the 5 year old making up songs and singing them to herself in the back seat on the way home from Grandma’s? Is there a more beautiful song than that?
So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to make music because I can. And because maybe I have a few things to say. And because, when I don’t, I feel like a bluebird masquerading as a turkey. And I’m going to try to hold myself accountable to you all, my COFFEE sisters, by updating you along the way.