:: WHY WE BE ::

Boo to false, self-imposed limits, we say. These champion oracles want to live enthusiastically. Follow our trip through projects that challenge, frustrate, and/or scare us. In the end (which is really the middle) we want to live like big bright free and authentically awesome people.




There was an error in this gadget

Friday, February 11, 2011

This announcement brought to you by ... Wieners (Wendy)

Well... This was the week that I finally announced the big news that I’m preggers! I am 17 weeks along. Due in July. BANANAS!

It’s a seismic shift in my world, to say the least. But here I am. And I have been procrastinating telling the world without knowing exactly why. I am awed by this wee little life tumbling around inside my guts - I inherently know that this baby will be the medicine that will heal my splintered world. I know this intellectually, but my heart always has a hard time catching up with my brains. It’s kind of the perpetual state of my being – not feeling ‘caught up’ to life's motion.

And, I’ve realized, that’s why I’ve been feeling so lost... because I haven’t made my move to catch up, yet. I've been feebly resting on the same wiener-ish stance: “I’m just lost... I just don’t know what to do with my life next”.

So my next big COFFEE goal is to stop being a wiener.

I need to start taking a proactive roll in my life - not some distant mirage I can't even make out. I need to stop trying to create a Play-Doh mansion out of a crème puff and start devouring the crème puff with gusto.

So. Here are my two main goals:

1. Get more engaged with my blessed baby-filled reality.
2. Start making music again.

That last one may require more explanation... Because music has represented a fair amount of hurt in my life, I’ve let my voice get stifled. As a result, my mood has gotten more and more anxious and more and more irritated.
And then, just this week, it dawned on me. I’m anxious and irritated because it’s like I’ve packed up my most favorite, prettiest dress in a box and stowed it away in the attic. I’ve buried that thing that makes me feel alive.

You sing and you write because the music is in you, not because you are trying to cram yourself into the music (world). The music world is an illusion anyway.

I have a LOT of shadowy demons to get past and it’s not going to be easy. But I’ve been inspired by Patresa – who has been making music just for the sake of it.

I want to go back to that - free of agenda, free of illusions.
Isn’t that how creativity should be? Like the 5 year old making up songs and singing them to herself in the back seat on the way home from Grandma’s? Is there a more beautiful song than that?

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to make music because I can. And because maybe I have a few things to say. And because, when I don’t, I feel like a bluebird masquerading as a turkey. And I’m going to try to hold myself accountable to you all, my COFFEE sisters, by updating you along the way.

10 comments:

patresa said...

wieners.

i love this post so much. it actually made me teary-eyed. love you. love your music. love that you're bringing a quirky little bean into the world. love where you're going with this. beautiful.

you gotta good soul, lady w.

Barb said...

This is all wonderful, Wendy -- every word. Congratulations!

T-Free said...

A baby! A BABY. I am so happy and excited for you!

It sounds like the change that happened to me when I became a mommy is happening to you. It's a time of major self-reflection and re-creation. If you're going through what I was, then who you think you are and who you want to be are dancing together right now, trying to find some common ground, while there's a whole new unknown world opening up in front of your eyes. It's not an easy time, because big life changes can be scary, but your heart will grow and love like it never has before. Having a baby has been the biggest adventure and hardest, yet most rewarding thing I've ever done. And I've had a pretty crazy, fun life. :)

I completely get it about the musician stuff. Making music and being creative is so important and cathartic. Your soul needs it. If you can put the anxiety into the shape of words and music, it's like labeling it and reducing it to something tangible shrinks it into something you can deal with. It's almost like you can sing and play it right out of your system, and send the negativity away to disperse harmlessly into the universe. Music saved my life from the shadowy demons. You must keep making music, even if it's only for you. Your music has always been for you, anyhow, hasn't it?

I loved reading this blog, Wendy. Please know that I am here for you to talk/vent to about anything you're dealing with as you become a mother. And hugest congratulations to you! You are going to be a wonderful, kind, thoughtful, loving mama to that lucky little guy or girl growing in your belly. :) xoxo.

amy said...

Wendy, I said this the other day, and I will say it again (because it's true, and good, just like you): this baby is already so blessed, and in store for the *best* lullabies/car ride singin'. So lucky.

I'll admit it here, because this is a safe place to admit stuff like this--I always assumed I'd never be a mom. I was one of those fence sitters--loved kids, loved OTHER people's kids, knew I'd do well with one of my own, but wasn't sure I wanted to make that kind of committment. For years, I was a bad birth control taker, but nothing happened. And I just assumed in additional to my general malaise regarding parenthood there were also physical problems.

Then C and I had deep marital strife, there was a separation, a dark period of Amy Craziness. tm (I'm trademarking that). And then a reunion, and within a mere 3 months of all that--BAM! Huge surprise--I pretty much missed the whole first trimester because I thought I was depressed, not pregnant. And when the doctor showed me, No no...there's a living, growing little person-to-be inside of you, see it? riiiiight here...my whole world/life shifted, seismically, and in a good way.

When i told my friend Carol she immediately said: You know this baby picked you and Charles, because you're exactly who she or he wanted to grow up with. And it did feel like a big, gentle shove from the Universe saying: Okay, Amy? Are you done being nuts and lost? Because we've picked you to head up this Big Important Project and we're counting on you not to screw it up too badly. We think you've earned it, at least. And so does the incoming little person inside of you.

And I was okay after that. I really didn't feel so lost, like I got my barings back, and THIS is what all that crazy and "who the heck am I? what am I here for??" self interrogation stuff was all about.

And I don't want to sound like babies are the be-all/fix-all answers to real problems (I know of married couples on the brink of divorce who go: ooh! let's have a BABY! that'll solve everything!...no, no). And some people are really not cut out for parenthood or simply don't want it, and I don't want to make their life experiences/paths sound any less truthful or important or good.

I think, for me, it was just the *knowing* that something was growing inside of me, and depending totally on me, and the happiness and scariness and magical magnificence of it all that at once just kind of makes you (me) feel...okay, I get it now. this is good. This is important. Somebody out there trusts me to do this, and so this is one piece of the Life puzzle I don't have to worry about anymore. I don't know if that makes sense. And I'm rambling.

What I really want to tell you is: being someone's mom has been the hardest, funnest, scariest, amazingest, craziest, coolest, grossest, best thing I've ever done. And I rarely talk to people (after the initial wave I like to lovingly call Newborn Shock--come find me if you need help with that in July :-P) who don't feel the same way.

Which is why I'm so, so, SO excited for you! Happy joy, Wendy-Mommy-to-Be!! You are going to be awesome. Such a lucky little girl or boy!

John said...

Awesome post Wendy. Some of the best and most fun stuff I wrote came about because of my kiddos. The Diaper Change Song, Dance in the Water, The Day is Done (a lullaby) and about a dozen others. If I still had the chops I'd do another CD of just those songs. Get ready for a font of new material!

Wendy said...

These comments were so hearty to my soul. Thank you guys!

Tawni, Can I just say that my eyes brightened when I read your comment and realized that I've found someone who probably knows exactly what I'm feeling? This is soooo comforting to me and I may just take you up on seeking your counsel further.

Amy, Woa, I think we may have been separated at birth. I related to so much of your story and thank you, btw, for sharing all that. I had actually written, then edited out, the fact that I, too have never been someone who daydreamed about weddings and babies. Good things, just semi confounding to be. Yet here I am. And I sooo agree..bringing a baby into a marriage to 'fix' it or thinking that unhappy marriage undertones won't be written all over the baby's life....scary. I never wanted to fall into that and was borderline militant about it, I think looking back. But when my husband and I got to that really happy place, there STILL there was good ol' ME to contend with. So I listened to my head and let the chips fall...and watching people like you and the other beautiful mama's I know, that have so much love for your little ones inspires me. Makes me believe.
And I should add, I look at that picture of Melissa making a funny face at you whenever I need a pick-me-up. I love that picture! That's a happy girl. Make that 2 happy girls.

John, great idea on the baby-inspired songwriting! The Day is Done sounds so sweet... of course you still have the chops, so let's hear it (unless you shred in that particular song. Hahaha ;-)

Katie said...

WendyWendyWendyWendy!!!! And more: WendyWendyWendyWendy!!!! So stinkin' excited for you girlie!! I bet you are just going to have a wonderful time trying to figure all this out and what the heck is happening.

And the analogy of your music being like your favorite dress you packed away was just beautiful. Beautiful. You are one insightful, talented, compassionate, sparkly lady. And I can't wait to hear about your sparkly baby.

Congratulations. I wish you joy in this pregnancy, and the peace of many small comforts.

Sending you all kinds of reproductive high-fives!!

Tanner May (Tanya) said...

Awwww, Wendy. Beautiful heart felt post. I couldn't be happier for you!!! I love that you want to make music again like a 5 yr old at Grandma's too. This makes me wish I had a musical bone in my body, but as second runner up to that, I am so so stoked to hear you're unpacking your favorite beautiful dress!

I send you all sorts of baby peace with a smidge of my giggly and high pitched voice yammering unrecognizable words in an attempt at "baby talk."

Yay for you guys! (And yay for my i-pod soon soon soon!)

blj said...

Yay Wendy and hubby! Very happy for you guys and for your baby. Lucky kid. Although I love kids and music, making either are a couple of things I really don't do. I am, however, impressed and awed by those who can. So good for you and I wish you the absolute best on both your baby making and music making journies! Exciting!!!

Steph said...

Congrats, Miss Wendy-Momma... I love that you called coming to terms with becoming a mommy a "seismic shift." Truer words have never been written. It's that and so much more, but words fail when it comes to trying to describe the life-altering magnificence of your child and how it changes everything about you, everything you know to be true, and how you view the world. I'm truly thrilled for you.
And as for being a weiner, I think you've already got it kicked. At least most of the way... I have so enjoyed becoming acquainted with your music. I believe it has such soul and such heart already. To that end, I am VERY much looking forward to experiencing this music you are about to make, this makes-YOU-not-just-those-who-hear-it-feel-alive music!!! For real! Congrats for choosing this, as well. It's a beautiful, bold, and bad-a$$ choice to make! Attagirl, Wendy-Momma!