:: WHY WE BE ::

Boo to false, self-imposed limits, we say. These champion oracles want to live enthusiastically. Follow our trip through projects that challenge, frustrate, and/or scare us. In the end (which is really the middle) we want to live like big bright free and authentically awesome people.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Why I will never win an Emmy. (Amy)

First, a quick progress update: According to the gym’s scale, I lost 5 lbs. !!Excitement!! Then, when C left town for new job orientation in Milwaukee, I suddenly became a slacker and stopped going to the gym. ...Downer...

Then Valentine’s Day happened and let’s just sum that up by noting the ensuing chocolate orgy wasn’t a pretty thing to witness.

However, yesterday I finally had a come-to-Jesus meeting with myself, got back on track, mostly (I mean, I do still have mass quantities of Valentine’s Day chocolate to polish off and my birthday is next week). And I slunk back into the gym, tail between my legs. I must also note: While I supremely hate every nanosecond of working out, I do like how I feel after. I'll make this important mental note in my head each time I do something physical because I’m still great at finding excuses not to be physical.

My goals until next time:
1-register for the Run for Water 5K.

2-On March 13, there is a Cougar Run 5K in Dawsonville, GA for Relay for Life. A friend of friends just died yesterday after years of fighting breast cancer (leaving two small children behind--I am heartsick about this), and while I'm not ready to run on 3/13, I do have a goal of walking this 5K in her honor.

2-Keep visiting the gym.

3-Make less excuses.

4-Finish inhaling all this Valentine’s Day chocolate.

Now, onto this round’s project: I have made………….my cooking show.

Please know, what you’re about to witness is precisely what happens when you don’t have producers, you lack a general plan, have no real vision for what it is you’re attempting to accomplish, a large working/cooking area is non-existent, you don’t have a qualified wardrobe stylist, your sous chef is a diva, and you decide to be your own cameraman. Friends don’t let friends film themselves.

Before you view, some disclaimers and warnings:

1-The lighting/sound/angles/focus are horrifically bad, and my camera freezes to refocus whenever there are big or fast movements. Apparently, I’m a big (and very fast) mover. A lot.

2a- I’m really nervous throughout, and when I get nervous, I tend to babble to fill up silences. I’m not good with silences. I did, however, find an editing tool and was able to edit the vast majority of this babble out. THAT was a relief.

2b-Seriously: I took out 35 minutes of pure babble footage.

3-Wardrobe issues: The sous chef removed her shirt and I didn’t have time to argue about it, fearing the chicken would burn. Also, you’ll see my cleavage nearly 800 times in this video, and I apologize. I’ll write a complaint letter to Mossimo for Target on behalf of all whose eyes were exposed to this.

4-I had to bend down whenever I felt the need for my face to be in the shot. Because if I kept adjusting the camera, the focus-y thing-y would have gone haywire and you’d totally end up with migraines trying to watch this.

5a-This video is 21 minutes, 21 seconds (too long). The sound quality is bad. There was no script. The sous chef has a semi-temper tantrum once, attempts to grab dangerous knives, and insists on doing a magic spoon trick at one point. In addition, there are multiple examples of poor parenting techniques in addition to poor cooking ones. Last, my kitchen is messy. And, at the end, I’m off key in the song.

5b- Which is why I totally understand if you want to fast forward through a lot and/or just don’t have that kind of time.

6-If I had to give this cooking show a name, I’d call it: “One Big, Hot Mess with the Babbling Chef and an Unstable Assistant.”

7-On the up side: zero commercial breaks.

I made Giada de Laurentiis’ Chicken Picatta (with spaghetti). Here’s a link in case you’d like to make this on your own (minus a shirtless assistant and incoherent adult babbling in the background): Go

Untitled from Amy on Vimeo.


Wendy said...

Okay, that was hilarious. I laughed out loud at the part where you said "Melissa, if I give you a lemon, will you go away?" hahah! Thanks for the shout outs! Trust me, if I am as patient as you, I'll be doing good. Melissa is adorable! Love how she immediately launched into a little Jingle Bells dance. She is too stinkin' cute!

Also, your comments cracked me up and your hair (and rack) looked fab.

And every time you peeked down into the camera, that cracked me up, too. I think Amy the Babbling Chef is actually a great name for your new show. And I think it'd be hilarious to have a wise-cracking camera man. I vote for that! ;-)

Thanks for making me laugh first thing in the morning, and a high five on dropping 5! Wooo!

Wendy said...

I just realized that my last comment might have sounded like I was not taking your cooking very seriously. But I actually really want to try that recipe now! It looked delicious and easy!

Tanner May (Tanya) said...

Holy moly! I laughed about 87 times during this video! This is the best cooking show I have ever seen! For the record (without ever ever ever cooking myself), I think you ARE a creative cook, and you have great time saving ideas. Maybe your show can be "Cooking for Busy Rockin' Moms with Second Jobs Outside the Home Too" (is that too long of a name?). You make lots of sense and all cool cooking show moms and outside of the home workers should totally have cleavage shots, babbling and naked little minis.

Also, I also want to tell you I'm so very sorry about your friend. Reading that and watching your video.... a lot of emotions and hugs sent to you for vastly different reasons.

I think you rock, Amy. AND for the record, I think The Food Network SHOULD see this. Totally.

Tanner May (Tanya) said...

P.S. I would have totally tried the garlic bread, I was NOT glad the video was coming to the end, and Melissa Wonderful is WONDERFUL!!!

patresa said...

awesome! 5 pounds down! i will high five that. so you back slid a little bit. ehhh. ebb and flow. ebb and flow! your body probably just needed to build some momentum for the next big wave of good health.

the video is hilarious. i will absolutely high five your cleavage! and your pretty hair. also, i LIKED what you were wearing!

other things i loved: melissa's wild instinct to run shirtless. the way she kind of lurked in the background earlier in the vid. that she dances when she sings. and that the video ended with burnt bread and a poopy diaper. ha!

but more importantly: that looks delicious, and i'm going to try it! plus, capers? anything with capers is high class in my opinion. i just had some spaghetti squash. i forgot to go to the store, so all i had to put it in it was a chopped up radish and a can of water chestnuts. i covet your delicious dish.

and i'm awfully sorry to hear about your friend. what sad, hard things. take care.

T-Free said...

Oh my gosh, I love the cooking video so much! I didn't get a chance to watch it until today. Your daughter is so cute, and I am so glad I'm not the only one who uses the "Give Mommy a minute alone, please!" tone of voice, and says things like, "Do you want to go watch Diego?" Hahahahahaha. I loved her spoon trick, too.

The written parts are as humorous as the video parts. And I bet you wanted to say something worse than "Dang it!" when you realized you'd forgotten the garlic bread. I do that all of the time, too. I tell myself to set timers, but I forget the timer, and burn things. I have to open the kitchen window to air the room out more often than I care to admit.

This was so funny and cute. Your daughter is adorable. The food looked really good. You sang Jingle Bells! AWESOME. You should make more cooking videos. More! :)

Katie said...

Ok, I'm typing this comment while I watch the video and I'm at the part where you add oil and butter. And now I'm afraid your sweater is going to catch on fire while you explain that you are not a multi-tasker. And Melissa is hovering around the area dropping Kix. You. Are. Hilarious.

Sidebar. I like your jeans and your hair. And that you spontaneously say "hot." And that you try to bribe your kid with lemons.

Oooh!! Garlic bread! Kroger's is awesome. The sizzle is making me hungry. Capers! I just had capers last night, and they are salty little bits of goodness.

Cutting into the chicken to check for doneness - a wise move, Jamie Oliver would approve and maybe give you a restrained but sexy side hug for this.

Boil. The way you say it sounds southern. Cute! And I like how well you distract your child with things that are not dangerous knives. Ha!!! HAHaHaHaHa!!! Black garlic break. This makes me love you like a sister. And your Chicken Piccata looks fantastic!! SOOOO getting the recipe!!

And Jingle Bells as a dessert. Couldn't be sweeter :) Melissa is darling and I'm so glad I got to see her do her toddler dance.

This was awesome! And I'm totally giving you props for the 5 pounds down, AND for enjoying Valentine's Day the way it should be enjoyed. I got a lousy 1/2 a pack of mini M&M's that I wrested out of Axel's clenched fist and fish-hooked out of his chompers. Somehow I still managed to be up 4 pounds though! Ah, well.

So sorry to hear about your friend of friends, you and her family have my sympathies and well wishes. I think it is honorable and good that you are doing the March 13 Couger Run in her memory.

And in conclusion: You are hilarious and have excellent camera presence with just the right amount of ta-ta action. Your daughter is too cute and gets points for demonstrating a spoon trick. I don't know any spoon tricks, so I am suitably impressed. Also, the way you measured olive oil and dropped it into the pan looked very professional and business-like. Well done.

You're just awesome. The whole time I watched it I was thinking that I bet it would be fun to go on a walk with you.

Go girl!

amy said...

I tried to leave comments here last night but blogger was being whacky.

So. Let me try again:

Wendy--I highly recommend the Here, Go Eat This Lemon Trick when your little girl or boy is a toddler. The sour makes them pucker their mouths for at least 3 seconds, which keeps them quiet for at least 5 as they process this. You take what you can.

Tangy T--I LOVE this show title "Cooking for Busy Rockin' Moms with Second Jobs Outside the Home Too"! I'm going to be SO pissed if Food Network suddenly starts airing a show with that title. SO pissed!

Patresa--What you missed: me babbling about how fabulous capers are, about how I have no idea what they start out as originally, but I don't care because I just love their briny caperly goodness.

Tawni--it's so funny you said that, because you have no IDEA how many times throughout this video I really had to watch which words came out of my mouth. First, there was a 2 year old in the kitchen. Second, other youngsters might have been exposed to this--it's one thing if my own starts screaming out F words like someone with tourette's, but I don't want to be responsible for what other people's kids scream out at inappropriate moments. I simply don't have time to screw up the world, you know? (Plus, I think our last president did a fine job of that with little to no help from me ;-p)

Katie--I love those jeans, too! Every time I wear them, my mom wonders aloud why in the world people would wear clothes that look like they spilled something on themselves, and every time I say: That's precisely the point, mom.

Also, I'm incredibly excited about this new daydream image you've given me to elaborate on! The one where Jamie Oliver gives me a restrained but sexy side hug. Thanks, Katie Mac!

To all: thank you for the sweet and kind comments on my hair. Here's the story behind it: that morning, I showed up for work and my friend/coworker Jackie goes, "Amy, your hair looks really good today!" And I said to myself, "Self. You need to film your cooking show To.NIGHT." 24 hours later it would have been a totally different hair outcome.

And I'm stupendously relieved no one's eyes burned on the cleavage. I hope no young children were harmed either. It's just that I can't wear turtlenecks. They make my neck look 5 inches wider.

And finally, have I mentioned I really hope now that Jamie Oliver sees this cooking show?

Steph said...

I'm so forwarding this to food network - Jamie's eyes only, of course! He WILL SEE it! :)
First, if I had your ta-tas, I'd SOOOO be bending over all the time (except at school, blech) and on camera as often as I could! LOL!!!!!
Second, the food looks and sounds amazing, and I will be trying this recipe very soon. Thanks for the share.
Third, that sweet little sous chef Melissa is so doggone cute!!! We love some Diego at our house, as well... and Kix! And spaghetti!!!
Fourth, very proud of you for committing to run that race! It's a big step. You CAN DO it, and I'm very proud of you! I'm sorry to hear about your friend. She will be very proud of you, too, you know.
Keep up the good work, and I CANNOT wait to Episode Two... You have inspired me, btw. I have to do a presentation (interactive-style) with the senior Alpha Gams at my alma mater in one week. They will be learning about cooking & shopping for one, menu planning & healthy eating... From ME. Yeah, you read that right. I'm actually excited, and you have provided some real encouragement and inspiration here! Thanks, chickadee! ROCK ON!