salvageable (Patresa)

It's been a good month.

Nausea passed. Mostly. (I've been revisiting it in a milder form the last few days.)

I'm starting to look more pregnant. (Due to vanity, I've been anxious for it to be obvious that the reason I'm gaining weight is because I have picked up a passenger and not because I've been eating donuts and fried chicken in the parking lot.) (I have been eating waffles and french fries indoors while seated in a variety of chairs.)

And I've felt really creative. (Except right now. Right now I don't feel all that creative, which is why I'm going to cut straight to the goals.)

Progress is as follows:

1. My goal was to attend a songwriting workshop, even if a confused voice in my head called me a fake phony baloney.

Done. It was good! The voices in my head were kind. I learned things--some things that I already do naturally (which was validating) and some things that I have since paid better attention to. More than anything, I've just been writing a lot more. Since the workshop, I've written 6 songs. I like 4 of them. That's quite a lot for me.

2. My goal was to write at least 1 more original and 1 more cover on the piano.

Done. I wrote a corny song for Happy Fest. I didn't end up actually playing the song, because I later decided my set wasn't long enough to (in my mind) warrant hauling the piano around. The song is pretty corny, so I doubt I'll ever play it out unless I revise the crap out of it.

And this past weekend I figured out Angel from Montgomery on the piano, which is one of my favorite songs.

3. My goal was to tell myself at least 5 things that were great about my Happy Fest performance afterward, and forgive myself immediately for imperfections.

Done. I didn't actually count how many nice things I said to myself, but I could make a go here:

a- My voice did not give away my nerves. This was probably the best and most validating thing about the whole shebang. That's been the number one frustration for me--that when I have gotten nervous in the past, my voice has turned small and wobbly. I hate that, because I feel like it's an incorrect representation. I know what's in me, and it doesn't come out right (Incidentally, I have the same frustration when speaking.). But I think my regular go at open mics is helping me develop better control. I don't know how to say this without sounding like a giant cheese log, but I feel like I've found my voice. 

b- People said nice things to me about my songs and my voice. They seemed sincere. (And after a decade working with delinquent teenagers, I feel I have a pretty keen eye and ear for bullshit.) I know I shouldn't place weight on what other people think, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel good.

c- I didn't forget any lyrics. Also something I tend to blank on (even when I'm not nervous).

d- Chris and I discovered how much we love playing together. Strange as it may sound, in the 10 years we've been together, we've only started playing together in the last 2 months. I blame this on my lack of confidence and my locked up voice. I was too scared to even play in front of Chris. Now that I've gotten past the big scary house of doom, we plan to play together more.

e- I felt inspired by the phenomenal musicians who played before and after me. Really, some amazing talent is right here in and around Des Moines. I don't go out much, so I had no idea. 

And I forgave myself immediately for imperfections. There were plenty of them, not the least of which were my very clumsy guitar skills, several clunker chords, and the fact that just as I needed it, I realized I'd left my capo in my guitar case off stage and then had to give away my amateur status by hollering at Chris to bring it to me in the middle of my set. (It's okay. There weren't many people present during my time slot.) I laugh at this.

4. My goal was to take my old crashed laptop to the repair shop to get uncrashed and all documents recovered, including the novel I'm going to finish.

Done. The laptop was not salvageable, but the hard drive was. I've drafted several changes I'm going to make. There are big changes. I'm renaming characters and overhauling the main plot. For instance, instead of a fire, there will be a tornado. Instead of a Scarlet, there will be a Coral. And instead of a Bear, there will be a Fox.

5.  My goal for the next month is to create a vision board.

No. This is the only one I didn't do. You know why? Because it requires retrieving materials, setting up a workspace, and then cleaning up after myself. I do not like doing any of those things. Ever.

My goals for the next month are to do more of the same. 

MUSIC: I'm about 2 songs from a full one-hour set. I figure that's enough to open up for someone in a little coffee shop. I don't have much in the way of covers, so I would like to add at least 2 covers.

BOOK: Rewrite Chapters 1-3.

VISION BOARD: I'll just keep writing this down until I do it. 

Peace out. Word to the mothership.