What's Up With All The Sick & Injured Dogs? (Becky)

I’ve officially become one of those people that lays down large chunks of money for their dog child. Charlie and his joints have a long and sorted history over the course of his three short years. Last week he had everything short of a knee replacement. Luckily I haven’t procreated human children so I keep reminding myself this is way cheaper than college and everything that comes before that. He’s worth it. I haven’t decided if he’s worth the left knee yet, though. Just kidding, you know I’ll do it.

Here’s the patient Friday night after he got home from 4 days at the Iowa State University Vet College/Clinic and was reunited with his toy box.

And here he is about 45 seconds later, exhausted after being reunited with his toy box.

So we had a pretty chill weekend convalescing and taking lots of meds (well, Charlie took lots of meds) and icing his knee, and tolerating the cone of shame…

I tell you all this not only because I love my Charlie dog, but because I'm using him as an excuse for why I haven't had anyone over for dinner or made much progress with my photo project. I did manage to pull out the light box that I borrowed from my brother approximately 6 years ago for the purposes of going through my negatives so I could pick ones to digitize. I also found the mailing label for the scanning place I sent money to over a year ago. Hopefully, they're still in business. So I've moved from the "pre-contemplation" stage and am squarely in "contemplation" mode, and even hovering right on the edge of "action." Stay tuned.

Mazoto Homana (Becky)

Several years ago, I think 2006, I had a party for Malagasy Independence Day, which is June 26. I made vary miarka tsaramaso (beans & rice), ravitoto (ground cassava leaves), and ranovola (burnt rice water, trust me, it’s delicious). I found fresh lychees to serve for desert, cranked some salegy music and made people look at my pictures from the two years I spent in Madagascar in the Peace Corps. It was great fun!

I had planned to make it an annual fety (party), but the next year I had a family reunion that weekend, and the two years after that I was in Iowa City in grad school, and last year, I was just lame and not in the party mood, I guess. But this year, I hope the party will return as a powerful force. Saturday night I had a trial run.

One of my friends who attended the first annual and so far only vingt-six party, as it's called in French, is a big fan of ravitoto. It was my favorite loaky (anything served with rice) in Madagascar. Also known as ravibalahazoo, it has a unique smell and flavor, is usually cooked with onions and garlic, beef if you have it, and is delicious! It also turns your poop green, in case you were wondering. I apologize for that, but the color and consistency of our bowels was a hot topic among my fellow Peace Corps volunteers.

Anyway, said friend has been requesting that I make ravitoto for the past 5 years and I have disappointed. This friend is also a master at hosting dinner parties and a fabulous cook. Same with the other two friends I had over Saturday night for a Malagasy feast. I often show up at their houses for yummy meals either empty handed or with spicy peanut dip, which I have brought to practically every social gathering I’ve attended since I stole the recipe from the other Becky and co-opted it as my own.

So my little dinner gathering was a good way to return the favor to these culinary friends, fulfill Sara’s request for ravitoto, fulfill a COFFEE goal of inviting people over for dinner (and a theme dinner at that, as suggested by a COFFEE-mate) and see if I still remember how to make Malagasy food in preparation for my Malagasy Day fety. I think it was a success... not only because the food turned out pretty good (it tastes better than it looks)...

but because I convinced my guests to wear malagasy hats :)

It’s a Winter Wonderland until It’s Time to Shovel (Becky)

Charlie dog and I just went for a walk in the snow and it was quite lovely. Typically March in Iowa means that I am soooo done with winter but winter is not quite done with me. But since this winter was practically bearable compared to the last two, and because it was one of those perfect snowfalls… 32 degrees with big fat fluffy flakes, I rather enjoyed it. And since it was such a wet and rainy and gray and gloomy day, it was refreshing to see everything covered in white (hopefully) one last time. And since I love my snow boots as they are super comfy and cozy and warm and make me happy, I was glad to wear them (hopefully) one last time. Charlie seemed quite pleased also, except when we walked by the house with a new for sale sign in the yard. He noticed right away that the big scary thing is not normally there and dug in his heels and started growling. When I finally did get him to keep walking, he took the widest path around it that his leash would allow. Silly dog.

So while my body was enjoying a serene and peaceful walk on a lovely March night, my brain was racing with the following thoughts “it’s ten o’clock, tomorrow is my day to blog… what should I write? what should I write? what should I write?”

And this is what I came up with…

1. I should bribe some coffee shop to display my photographs. I’m finally ready to do what I’ve been saying I’m going to do for quite some time. And that is to scan all my photos and negatives and do something spectacular with them. I will print them big, get them framed, write cool captions or stories or poems to go with them and show them to people.
2. I should invite people to my house for dinner. In my struggle to reconcile myself as an introvert or an extrovert I have increasingly found myself avoiding the bar scene and groups of people. I would prefer some quality time with people on my terms. So in order to open up my life to necessary social interaction, I will open up my home in an effort to reconnect with people who are important to me.

I have taken some baby steps toward these goals. As you know, my last post included a few photos from Madagascar. And I invited my brother and his kids over for dinner the other night. Granted, they stood me up, but it’s a start, right? In full disclosure, I should tell you they eventually did come over… after I called them 30 minutes past the time they were supposed to be here and after Scott got my niece and nephew out of their jammies.

So thanks in advance for holding me to this COFFEE sisters. You all have an open invite to dinner by the way. You may want to bring your own food, though. I guess I should add "3. Cook more" to the above list.

Off to bed. Tomorrow is the day before the penultimate day of week 10 of my first 10-week Kosama session. Chances are good I may have to shovel first. I’m so looking forward to sleeping in next week! But I’ll be back at it soon enough, only this time I will allow myself some appropriately placed sleep-in mornings. In the first 10 weeks, I only missed 1 day! 59 out of 60 workouts….not a bad percentage if I do say so myself.

Tiako i Madagasikara (Becky)

Hazolahy tours southern Madagascar

Akory Aby! Inona voavoa?

As requested, here are a few photos from Madagascar... It's so beautiful, someday I must return. I lived in Ankaramena, a small village in the far southeastern part of the island from 2000-2002. While my time there was certainly full of ups and downs, challenges and setbacks, and moments where I wondered what the hell I had gotten myself into, my selective memory has filtered all that out. My recollections center around the wonderful families in Ankaramena who looked out for me, taught me their langauge, customs, and beliefs, and made me feel at home halfway around the world. I remember the mangoes, the ocean, the kids and the striking beauty of the landscapes and the people. I was introduced to an entirely new perspective on virtually everything, a different set of rules, a refreshing set of priorities. Ahhh, the Malagasy Republic. Mahafinatra. Take a look.

My little shadows. These kids knew what I was I doing and where I was doing it all times. That took some getting used to...

Heading home after a
long day of shark fishing...

Off to market. I did not master carrying anything on my head, just in case you were wondering.

Preparing the rice fields... They set up an intricate irrigation system to flood the paddies which always amazed me (as we lacked running water and electricity). Then they chase the zebu around to break up the mud clumps and it's ready for planting.

My neighbors and friends... who are as amazing as the view

A day in the life...

And I'll end with some malagasy music... here is one of my favorite songs.

Veloma, COFFEE-mates!

Hmmmm.... (Becky)

So I’ve been a little stumped ever since the balance exercise from my last blog. And that balance exercise was much harder than tree pose or half moon pose, yet nowhere near as hard as the WTF?! pose, I’m sure! (and I apologize for the bad yoga humor). Anyway, it seems that I’m ok with the tangible stuff. The first four categories… job, house, money, health… you either have it or you don’t. Sure it’s fragile and can be fleeting and temporary, but it is all stuff that’s pretty easy on which one can rely only on oneself, no? On the other hand, the next 4 categories… social outlets, family, friends, lovers, a higher power... seem to involve intimacy and community. They are essentially about RELATIONSHIPS. You have to depend on other PEOPLE (or powers) for satisfaction in those areas. You can’t do that stuff alone.

But I’m surprised that my wheel came out skewed in this way. That’s not how I thought of myself. I’ve always believed I’ve been able to get my energy from other people; always thought I worked better in groups. I imagine people would describe me as flexible, forgiving, willing to compromise, non-judgmental, basically pretty easy to get along with and even fun to have around. I used to consider myself a fairly social, well-liked person that most people thought was a good addition to almost any social gathering. I used to like to be in the middle of the action, always hated to feel like I was missing out on something. My college roommates still me tease me about missing stuff just so they can see me get riled up. But the thing is… I don’t get so riled up anymore. I seem to be going through a... phase?... where I don’t so much like people. They disappoint. I know this is not a good place to be nor is it a good thing to admit on a public blog. When did I become a cynical introvert? And why? And what do I need that I’m not getting and how do I get it? I understand it’s probably more my issue than anybody else’s.

I think American society is interesting and weird. Our need for privacy and solitude and independence is very foreign to so many other cultures around the world. When I lived in Madagascar, I was never alone. No one was ever alone. It just didn’t happen. There was no translation for the word--let alone the concept--of privacy. Yet here, living on your own is highly valued. Someone in their 30s living with their parents or other extended family members? Loser!! But this is the norm many other places. I'm not saying one is better than the other, just different. Both have their place, their pros and cons.

I live alone and own all the things one needs to live alone (dishes, car, shelter, etc.). One of my friends lives alone around the corner, my brother lives alone a mile away, I have at least three other friends who live alone less than 10 miles away. I am NOT saying I want to live in a commune with all these people, yet it does seem impractical and a waste of resources. But I wouldn't give up my space, my freedom, my independence. Solitude is a good thing. I just think it’s interesting that our society is set up this way. And I’m trying to figure out what it means that I’m often lonelier when I’m around people than when I’m by myself.

I don’t have much of a point for today’s blog, just confused ramblings. Did any of it make any sense to anyone? Later COFFEE sisters. Until next time…

I weeble and I wobble but I won't fall down (Becky)

Balance has been a common thread among the coffee posts, so I decided to take a little inventory and boy is my balance way out of whack. A quick online search yields many interactive "balance wheels of life." Here’s my lowdown on the most common categories.

Physical health: Check. Between good luck, good genes, hard work and exercise, I’m very fortunate to be healthy.


Physical environment: Check. I own a cute little bungalow and it’s full of fluffy white Charlie hair. Despite the lack of an ocean, Des Moines is a pretty nice place and has grown on me over the years.


Career: Check. Despite my best efforts to not know what I want to be when I grow up, my experiences over the last 20 years have combined nicely and led me to a field and a job that is a pretty good fit for me. And I was recently accepted to the DNP program at Iowa so my next goal of becoming a nurse practitioner is in the works.


Financial: Check. I feel pretty secure in this area. Would like to spend more money on travel and less on student loans, but that’s OK, I can deal.


Community/Social/Recreation: I have many acquaintances and any number of people I can call to go on a bike ride or grab a beer or a glass of wine. But I seem to be getting less out of those activities than I used to. Which leads me to another common theme, distraction. I'd like to find a little more meaning in my social outlets. Speaking of, I'm proud to be part of the COFFEE community.

Friends/Family: I need to do a little work here. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life, but I may have been pushing them away… not sure why… It's always been important to me to be a strong independent woman and rely on myself. I don’t like to need people. I don’t like to seem weak, so I don’t reach out to people when I feel weak. I also have this belief that if people are interested in what I think or feel or need they will ask. If they don't ask, they don't want to know. So I won't bother or burden them with my opinions, my thoughts, my stuff. So I wait for people to approach me, engage me. And if they don't, I think no one loves me and I'm all alone in the world. That makes me kind of grouchy and then people really don't want to be around me so I isolate and really do become all alone in the world. Vicious cycle.


Romance/Significant Other: Ugh. Why is this so hard? My past relationships have typically been distractions, fun little diversions from work and school and life, etc. But I haven’t really put the work into figuring out what I want and expressing it to a partner, or finding out what my partner wants either. Relationships are hard work, I know that. I’m finally ready to put that work in, but where are the hot, single, straight guys?!? I'm taking a much needed break from the online dating scene so am back to square 1.


Spirituality: Hmmm. My purpose, my calling, the meaning of life? I got nothing. It seems that many people live their lives for their children or their God. I have neither. As a 38-year-old agnostic women without a ticking biological clock, what is my purpose? I’ve never felt the need for either children or God and I’m trying to figure out what that means for me, if anything.



So, I’m about 50/50. There's a lot of positive in my life and I have to remember that. Lately I've been focusing on the empty half of the glass. That approach seems to throw into question/chaos all the good that is in my life. I've been second guessing my career and my decision to go back to school again and my decision to move back to Des Moines and everything else. So, I've got a lot of work to do. I have 4 very important categories that are sorely lacking. But I also have to keep it all in perspective. It's not necessary to scratch everything I have and start over. I'm half way there. And I love a challenge. And I love the COFFEE chicks.

Instant Coffee (Becky)

2010 was a strange year for me. It was a year of transition, confusion, second guessing. I was happy to say goodbye to 2010. Welcome 2011!

So I'm entering 2011 feeling physically strong. I swam the 100 100s New Year's Eve Day and I've been going to Kosama at 6:00 AM each morning since Jan 3. The early rising thing is no small feat, by the way. And I'm happy to report that it hasn't been nearly as hard as I thought it would be. The abdominal work, on the other hand, is just as hard as I thought it would be.

So physically strong, yes. Emotionally, spiritually, creatively strong? Not so much. As a matter of fact, I feel downright weak, like a wet noodle who can't stand herself up, like I don't belong anywhere near the rest of you coffee chicks. I'm instant coffee in a tattered-edge, faded packet that's been in the back of the junk drawer for who knows many how years. And then there's the rest of you... rich, dark, brown, freshly roasted, and aromatic whole coffee beans. I feel utterly intimidated by all your skills and insight and positive energy. Lately I've spewed way more than my share of negativity into the universe. So I've been avoiding you. I blew off my last two posts and I seriously thought about bailing on this whole project.

But here I am posting, albeit over 12 hours late. And instead of listing all the things I'm going to do and then feeling like a failure when I don't do them, I am going into this again with no expectations. My scary project is just doing this, just showing up. Here I am. I think it'll go better for me without the self-imposed pressure I've been self-imposing.

As the unorganized person that I am, following is how I make lists. And this is how I will now approach my COFFEE goals:

• I write down a bunch of things I've already completed
• I add a few things I still need to do.
• I cross off the stuff I've already done, look at my list, think "that's pretty productive" and never look at that particular list again.
• Some days, weeks, months, later, I'll make a new list.
• I've probably accomplished a few of the things that were not crossed off on previous list so I'll write them down on the new list.
• Then I'll cross them off.
• I add the rest of the un-crossed-off things from the previous list.
• I continue to procrastinate the above.
• Rinse and repeat.

So, I'm not going to tell you what I'm going to do until after I've done it. Two weeks from now, I hope I have something to report regarding my journey to work out my mind the way I work out my body. I think I probably will, but I'm not sure what it will be. Whatever it is, I'll do it because it feels like the right thing to do at the right time and not because I feel like I have to produce something worthy of freshly roasted aromatic coffee beans and public display. This may seem like an odd strategy, but I'm hopeful.

Stick with me coffee chicks. Don't give up on me just yet. I hope to eventually make it worth your while.

Too bad I can't get Charlie to blog (Becky)

I have nothing to say today, except that I think you should all see how cute my Charlie dog is. So here are a couple of pics:

Time to Brew a New Pot of Coffee (Becky)

If you recall from my last post, I was feeling pretty negative and cynical and gave up on nanowrimo. I’m not ready to scrap the writing thing altogether, but that was a little (a lot) unrealistic for where I’m at right now. I seem to be stuck in a bit of a rut, just going through the motions, so one of my new goals—or maybe it’s more of a strategy to identify and then achieve my goals— is to become more observant and aware and mindful and to live with intention.

I stopped at the grocery store after work last night and as the check-out guy was scanning my groceries, he said, barely looking up from what he was doing, with little emotion or expression. “What did the blanket say when he got on the bed?” “Oh sheet!” Or something like that. It seems like a pretty lame joke so I’m not sure if I’m retelling it wrong, or if it is just a really lame joke. But that’s not the point. The point is: How often do you run into deadpan, teenage, check-out boys telling jokes? This is the kind of random stuff that makes life goofy and interesting and helps you to get out of your head. These are the kinds of simple pleasures I need to notice and embrace and enjoy. (Thanks, Tanya for tuning me into the check-out lane).

Then I went to a yoga class. It’s been a really long time since I’ve done that and I forgot how much better it makes me feel, not just physically, but especially mentally. The instructor talked about having an intention for the class. What do we want to get out of class tonight? How do we want to feel after class? And then, of course, to direct our movements and thoughts toward that intention. Seems simple, but for someone who’s been in a fog for awhile, it was a valuable reminder.

Another reason I want to be more observant of my surroundings is because on Thanksgiving day, I slammed the back of my brother’s car door on my head. Not one of my better moments. I walked back to the house holding my head, wondering how the hell I managed to do that, not noticing the gushing blood until I took my hand away to open the garage door. I then had to knock on my aunt’s door to ask for a towel while looking like Carrie minutes before 19 of my family members were sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner. Those head wounds sure can bleed! Blood was dripping down my forehead, into my eyes, off the tip of my nose, and all over the garage floor. There was a slight delay in saying grace and piling our plates with turkey and lefse as we applied pressure and mopped my blood up off the garage floor. I felt pretty stupid for self-inflicting a blood-gushing head wound with such fabulous timing. Pay attention to your surroundings, Beck! Sorry for the gory aside, but I thought it was kind of a funny story.

So in order to live with intention and listen to my body and mind and observe my surroundings, I should have some specific things that I intend to do. I am going to swim the 100 100s every 100 on New Year’s Eve Day. But I don’t know if that counts as a project because it doesn’t scare me and it’s something I would do anyway, COFFEE or no COFFEE. Likewise, I think I’m going to do the Kosama 10-week Complete Body Transformation in January, but that probably doesn’t count either. I’ve always been in touch with my athletic side. Granted, in varying degrees over the years, but getting in shape is always something I return to eventually. It’s my creative side that has long been neglected so my COFFEE project needs to be something that pushes me in that direction.

So these are my new ideas . . .

• I have some really nice photographs, especially from my time in Madagascar. Sure, it helps that the content and landscapes were amazing, but I also think they have a pretty good composition and balance. I’ve long been meaning to do something with them, beyond scrapbooking. So I need to get them scanned in and reprinted and framed. I’ve got tons, could decorate my house, my office. Hey, maybe I could sell them at a craft fair! I’ll be interested in your next steps, Katie!
• I’ve also always thought it would be fun to make jewelry. . . . or at least fix the pile of broken earrings and necklaces I’ve been hanging on to for that day when I start to make jewelry . . .
• Take an art class—drawing, painting, pottery, still looking into my options. A quick search online reveals that most classes don’t start again until the new year and the schedules aren’t posted yet.
• Journaling, morning pages, gratitude journal, do-be-have. I really want to set aside at least a few minutes at least most days to put something on paper.
• Continue to post comments on new and old friends’ blogs. I posted comments on everyone’s blog during this last round, albeit often several days late and not very profound, but I did it. Doesn’t it seem ridiculous that this is even a goal? Seriously, writing comments should be effortless. I’ve never considered myself such a shy introvert that I can’t think of anything to say in response to the amazing stuff you ladies you are doing, but whatever, I’m clearly in a bit of a funk right now.
• Listen to more music, both at home and out and about. Do I know anyone who is going to be playing any coffee shops/open mics soon?!?!

And in conclusion (to borrow a phrase from Amy), there you have it. Round 4. Wish me luck.
P.S. I thought I remembered another post about living with intention so just went back and read Stephany’s post. You said it, Steph! I will read and re-read that for inspiration when I need it! How easy it would be to just forget all this business and keep doing the same old, same old, but it’s NOT WORTH IT!

Random Thoughts by Becky

So, I’ve been a big blob of inaction. BIG BLOB. I’ve made very little progress on nanowrimo. It’s been so long since I’ve written anything for it that I don’t even remember if it was before or after my last post. I’m still perseverating about the things that I wish I would do, but that I can’t find the motivation for. We’ve already established that I wish I would write more. Here’s a short list of some other things about me that annoy me.

1. I hit the snooze on my alarm for. . . oh . . . I don’t know . . . . about an hour! Every morning! Pathetic. Get up and get going!
2. I haven’t posted one comment on the fabulous writings of the COFFEE chicks. I read them, I love them, I admire them. I’m impressed and awed and moved by them. But for whatever reason, I feel like I’ve got nothing to say.
3. I’m incredibly unorganized. In fact, I was voted Least Organized, Boone High School, Class of 1990.This has worked well for me for 37 of my 38 years. But it seems to have either taken a turn for the worse or it has suddenly become problematic. I think my mind is more fragmented, scattered lately, thus it can no longer keep up with my organizational “system” or lack thereof.
4. I seem to spend a lot of time waiting for something to happen. Not sure what. If I know what I want to happen, I’m usually pretty good at making it happen, but I currently am just not all that excited about anything. So I wait . . . .

On the flip side, there are some things I do that make me feel good.

1. I swam 2.4 miles this morning. I hooked up with this group of swimmers at the Y who are training for 100 100’s on 100 seconds on New Year’s Eve Day. In other words, 100 yards every minute and 40 seconds, 100 times. I started swimming with them last week. Today we did 48 and will add more each Sunday. My lane alternated 75’s and 100’s for 4200 yards or 2.4 miles. Whew. Great workout. I may even go for the 100 100’s on Dec 31.
2. I have posted 3 coffee blogs! I was really, really tempted to blow blogging off today, but I didn’t, and for that I’m proud. The fact that I’m doing this at all is kinda scary. I mean, anybody can read what I’m writing. I usually keep these random thoughts pretty close to the vest.

I’m sensing the common thread or motivator on list #2 is a sense of community. Since my self-motivation seems to be on sabbatical, I need to rely on others for a little mojo. I would never swim that far or long by myself, but time goes pretty fast with a group of swimmers (even when your arms suddenly weight 100 pounds each). And you see how well nanowrimo is going left to my own devices. But it’s the COFFEE community that got me writing this blog today, even though I could have easily taken a nap or watched Glee (while commiserating about why I have no musical talent).

So I’m going to cut myself a break on nanowrimo and concentrate on interacting with my community and finding new ways to overcome my current “life-is-a-crapshoot-philosophy .” I will post comments to the COFFEE chicks. I will engage and fully participate. And I will also work on finding a new focus for my COFFEE project. Because I know this whining about my mid-life crisis (?) is going to get really old, really fast.

Beware the Double Negatives . . . (Becky)

Some people do things because they can’t not do them. Musicians can’t not play. Scientists can’t not research. I am not one of those people. I’m really good at doing nothing while admiring everything others do and pondering, “Why don’t I do that?”

I haven’t always been this person. When I lived near the ocean, I couldn’t not get in it. Cold, windy, big crashing waves . . . didn’t matter. I was there, I had to get wet. Body surfing, floating, lap swimming across the bay . . . whatever, as long as I was immersed in salty, sandy water. A peaceful powerfulness came over me as I took in the sounds, the smells, the feel, the taste of the ocean. My hair has the perfect texture and curl after a day in the ocean. My attitude positive, my outlook brighter, after a day at the ocean. But now, I sit and think about people who live near the ocean and wonder, “Why do I live in landlocked Iowa?”

I knew a guy once. Smart, funny, creative, had been places and done things. But he started thinking he was stuck in his life, so he became stuck in his life. He became negative and cynical and stopped doing things that he used to feel compelled to do. I thought to myself, I don’t want to be like him when I’m his age.

But now I’m his age. And I don’t really know what makes me happy. I don’t feel engaged in my life. Nothing compels me. I’m going through the motions. When I was in my early teens, my mom would not let me go to the college town about 15 miles away with my friends to see a movie. They had a theater with more than one screen and the movies were new releases. She said if I did all the exciting stuff in junior high, then there wouldn’t be anything to look forward to in high school. Surely that can’t be what’s happening? Have I already used up all my adventures?

So I thought maybe a creative outlet would pull me out of the numbness and parathesias I’d been experiencing. Quick, before frostbite sets in and I lose the extremities all together. That’s right, I need a creative outlet! I’ll write a %#!@$& 50,000 page novel in one month! Amy, what was that you wrote about making sure your goals are reasonable? Right, goal setting 101, realistic ones. I haven’t written in years, and yet I decide to go for the marathon of writing. As you may have guessed, I’m about 12,000 words, no 12,308 words, off track at this point.

Is it supposed to be this hard? It doesn’t really seem like 1,667 words a day is that unreasonable. Is it doing it every day that is difficult? Or is it the fact that I don’t feel compelled to do it that is the hard part? I want to be that person who can’t not write! Or can’t not do something! Anything! What drives me? What is my passion? When did life become a series of things I have to psych myself up for, hoping that once I get going, it won’t really seem so bad?

“If you think you don’t know what you want, remember, that’s just a story you’re telling yourself. Give yourself space to figure it out. You probably already know and you may even already be there.”

The above is a quote from none other than myself. It came in the mail today, addressed to me, in my handwriting. To remind me that I'm really doing OK. Good timing, as last night's musings were starting to sound pretty pathetic. The letter was a result of a mindfulness meditation class I took. At the last session we wrote ourselves a note and they’d drop it in the mail in about six months. It was a good reminder that if I’m always thinking about my next move, then I’m not living my life now. I tend to make things more complicated and overwhelming than they need to be. Break it down, Becky, keep it simple.

So I will keep writing and if I let go of whatever weird wall I've put up, I will start to feel transient moments of joy and a sense of accomplishment. And those moments will increase if I don't over-think things and develop crazy and convoluted expectations. What’s the alternative, really? Worst case scenario, I don’t get to 50,000 words but I’ve written more in the month of November than I did in “the aughts” or “the zeros” or “the nadas” or whatever the hell it was we called the last decade.

And when I am "finished," I will plan a trip to the ocean.

Clarity or Carpal Tunnel? (Becky)

I signed up for NaNoWriMo last night, about two hours before the November 1st kickoff, which is also about the same time I chose my COFFEE project. And I chose my project just a few hours before I was scheduled to post my first blog. So I need the pressure of a deadline to get anything done. Why is that? Maybe this is one of the many things about myself that I’ll explore in my 50,000 word novel. So to back up a little, NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month. All I have to do is write 50,000 words in the month of November. 50,000 words that somehow hang together to form a “novel” (read memoir) and I win! Here’s the link in case you want the details http://www.nanowrimo.org/

This is a good strategy to help me tackle my fears while still avoiding them. Does that count? You see, if I decided to try and understand my fear of relationships by blogging about my adventures in online dating (fear #1 if you refer to intro page about becky), there exists the potential to be embarrassed and expose myself to the dreaded vulnerability (fear #4). If I chose to do a specific project such as take a painting class or get back into photography; that would require a certain level of decisiveness and commitment (fears #3 and #2, respectively). But signing up for NoNaWriMo was accomplished with little forethought or planning, signing up takes seconds! (Can you tell I’m still in denial about the daily writing?) And since only my keyboard will be privy to my ramblings, I’m won’t be stricken with the same anxiety regarding the inadequacy of my musings as I am when I think about updating my status on facebook (fear #5).

So by avoiding all these fears publically on the blogsite, I will face them head on privately through a sort of forced journaling. Just me and my laptop. And I think I’m ready to be vulnerable in front of my laptop. Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, for a brief moment, I was a writer. And that’s the end of that story. For some reason, I stopped writing. Then I stopped feeling guilty about not writing, and eventually I stopped even thinking about writing. But I do remember that writing had a way of making things seem clearer and truer. Writing unravels complexities, helps to illuminate contradictions and inconsistencies, helps me to sort out where I stand and what I think. So I will write 1,667 words everyday for 30 days (give or take).

By writing a 50,000 word novel in one month, I will regain my creative confidence, start posting fabulous facebook updates and comments, figure out what’s behind my fear of commitment and relationships and teach myself to make clear cut decisions without wavering or second guessing! I will gain insight into who I’ve become and where I’m going. Through quantity over quality, by resisting the temptation to edit, by writing in sheer volume, the answers to my deepest questions will be revealed and will guide me towards a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment! Or maybe I’ll just get carpal tunnel syndrome.