COFFEE Post 12: Nobody promised smooth sailing… Nobody’s a liar. (Stephany)

I remember my mother and also her mother telling me that “Nobody promised smooth sailing.” I recall thinking that this Nobody was an alright, optimistic kinda fella, although a little “off.” “Sailing” for me as a kid wasn’t exactly smooth, but surely this Nobody would eventually make good on his promise. After all, a promise is a promise! And smooth sailing’s not too much to ask. Right? RIGHT???

Well. Big deep breath… When I get my hands on this Nobody character, his butt’s MINE! I intend to PUMMEL this individual. This Mr. Nobody’s a BIG, FAT, LIAR! Smooth sailing, my backside. Humph. I have a few other choice words and names for him, too, when I bump into him. And a swift kick in the “cookies,” as my sons like to say, is most assuredly in order. (Sorry, John.)

Three big things knocked the wind completely out of my sail in the last two weeks.

First, chronologically speaking, our sweet Maya dog (who came to live with me & the kids after her owner, my mother-in-law, passed away in August) got VERY, VERY, V-E-R-Y sick. SICK. She’s gone from a healthy, muscular almost 60 pounds to a scrawny 38 pounds. They’ve identified some evidence of liver failure or intestinal “issues,” but her lab values don’t substantiate any of that, specifically. Yeah. I know. Basically, two local vets and a specialist in KC are stumped. They have all kinds of what-if and if-then scenarios that we could follow, but each option essentially renders this gentle, loving dog a science experiment with no guarantees. Not good options. Steroids and a special diet should mean she’s gaining weight like crazy, and that’s just not happening. No one knows why. We have until Wednesday of this week for her to gain some weight or for yet another set of labs to show some improvement. After that, if she’s not better, we (the almost-ex and I) don’t see any options. She’s wasting away, and I can’t bear the thought of her suffering. The almost-ex and I agree on this.

Yes, I know. She’s a DOG. I actually had someone say those words to me, and I nearly “Nobody’d” that person. She is a dog, yes, but she’s OUR dog and all we have left of my mother-in-law, AND she’s the one creature who’s been there for me when my kids were at their dad’s and the house was otherwise empty. She’s been my snuggle-buddy, my foot warmer, my companion. She’s not JUST a dog, dammit. I’m beyond sad at even the prospect of her not existing anymore…

Second, my half marathon is not to be. Suckage. I’d taken a week or so off of running because my knee had been giving me some trouble – swelling, pain, the usual. No big deal. On March 11, however, I was walking down the hall after lunch, heading back to my classroom, and my knee completely buckled. It just went out. No warning, no nothing, just GONE. Ship SUNK. I bawled like a sissy girl in the hallway in front of MANY students and had to be helped to the school nurse, finally emerging on crutches and in tremendous pain.

Anyway, on Wednesday, I saw the surgeon, who did the fourth surgery on this knee almost a decade ago, and he decided that I have again dislocated my kneecap, (I really despise the word “patella.” Something about it just grosses me out. Sorry.) something that was supposedly all-but-impossible after they re-aligned the entire joint in 1995. Surgery is almost a certainty, as is the fact that I will not be racing in April as I’d planned. I’m beyond bummed at this little development. I feel ripped off, and I’m frustrated at my aging physique. And this stupid knee??? I could Nobody it, but it’s basically jacked enough at this point. I’m just… I just hate this.

Third, an incredibly special woman, my Grandma Marge, passed away peacefully Sunday at the age of 94. She’s been in ill health for awhile, so it’s not like it was a huge shock. But it was a HUGE SHOCK.

This woman was remarkable! She worked the farm with my Grandpa right up until his health failed him and he passed away 6 years ago, raised kids (GREAT kids, by the way, one of which is my dear Daddy), cooked, cleaned, sewed, and took care of EVERYONE around her, whether you belonged to her or not. She accepted my mother when she & Dad started dating almost 20 years ago, and she took me & my kids in like we were her own flesh & blood, counting us all as HER grandkids and great-grandkids. She was all heart and an absolute character – ornery and clever, honest and spirited, opinionated and kind all at the same time. She was wonderful.

I can’t explain what a rock she was to this family, nor can I explain how virtually impossible it has been to watch my Daddy cry over losing his beloved Momma. I can’t say I’ve done too many things that hurt my heart as much as holding him as he shakes and sobs. His heartbreak is more than enough to do my own little heart in, and my heart is sad all on its own over losing her. (And, later today, I get to tell my kids they’ve lost another grandparent less than 7 months after burying their Grandma Joyce. They’ve been skiing in Colorado with their Dad for Spring Break. A whole other heartbreak I can’t even get into at this point in time.) The only good thing about any of this is that she’s with Grandpa again, and goodness knows those two are doing a mean polka right now. Man, how those two could dance. And he’s shining that killer smile all over his woman, and she’s beaming and basking in that smile… That thought makes ME smile, and in all honesty, I’m happy for her. She’s free of pain, of being tired and unable to do what she wants to do, of being confined to her bed, of missing her dear husband. Knowing that takes the sting off just a bit, it really does. And that’s a little relief in the many waves of loss…

So all in all, my COFFEE goals have taken a back seat to Life things, to the not-so-smooth sailing things. Sometimes that’s just what has to happen. Like it or not, Life happens. Life will continue to happen. And, in all likelihood, Nobody’s not gonna come through for any of us. He lied. There’s no such thing as smooth sailing.

Hug your family, COFFEE friends. Hug your friends. Say “I love you,” especially when you don’t feel it but know you mean it anyway. The waters might not be glassy and smooth, but they’re the waters we get to navigate. And honestly I can’t help but be thankful for the people in my boat, who are banding together to keep this boat floating in the midst of all of this Life stuff… my peeps… and I count many of you among those. Hugs and many thanks for all the kind words and prayers…

COFFEE Post 11: Happy Birthday, Babies! (Stephany)

The eight days between Feb. 23 and March 3 are a BIG DEAL at my house. My youngest, Eli, celebrates his 4^th birthday on the 23^rd, and my sweet daughter, Abby, celebrates her 10th birthday on the 3^rd. (In years past, I’d have celebrated a wedding anniversary on the 1^st of March.) It’s a big whirlwind of a week for us!

Yeah, so my kids have birthdays. ALL kids have birthdays. They sure do; it’s true. The big deal, though, for us is that birthdays are the biggest deal all year long. We celebrate New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, St. Patty’s Day, Mother’s and Father’s Days, Memorial & Labor Days, 4^th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and some other little things throughout the year. We do enjoy those, but we just do it on a smaller scale than most, particularly Christmas. But birthdays, BIRTHDAYS? Birthdays! Yes! They’re the best! A birthday is the only day of the year that is ALL ABOUT the birthday person. What’s better than that? I’ll tell you what is: nothing. To that end, a person’s (specifically, a child’s) day of birth is a big to-do in my house.

It starts with breakfast of choice for the star of the day. Treats and treat bags for the kid’s schoolmates. Then it’s the supper of their choice – out or at home – followed by gifts, cake & the like. The older kids have friend parties, too, although we keep those fairly simple and make them tons of FUN, and we have a party with extended family at some point. See? A big deal!

So, Eli’s big day started with biscuits with cinnamon & sugar sprinkles and apple juice. We took Transformers cupcakes and treat bags to his school for a party there. After opening gifts at his dad’s, his choice (obviously!!!) for birthday supper was Chuck E Cheese’s, which was actually a great time! Chuck E. brought out his cake and sang a special birthday ditty for him! I SOOOO wish I had the correct cable to get the pics off my phone and onto this page…. The look on his face was priceless, probably much like mine would be if Colin Firth or Jude Law brought out my birthday cake and sang to me (although the lusty yearning was absent from Eli’s eyes that would soooooo be in mine). Yeah, buddy! Then he opened gifts with Mom, too. On Sunday, we celebrated with my family back home: more gifts & cupcakes! His birthday finally ended yesterday when the package came from his Uncle Jason & Sanford… it was a good birthday. He’s thrilled to be so big, and I’m thrilled that he is thrilled. “I wuv birfdays, Momma. Turning 4 wocks! Now I’m so big!”

Abby’s day is quickly approaching, and the planning has been underway for quite awhile! She’s looking forward to pizza omelets for breakfast, pizza and treats with her class, dinner out somewhere – she still can’t decide (Girls! Sheesh! HA!), her gifts, and her party with friends at the Flip Shop (the gymnastics gym where her cheer team works out). We also celebrated her birthday with my folks on Sunday when we did Eli’s “thing.” She’s stoked about double digits, and I’m stoked for her!

I so love their birthdays. I love them getting excited about themselves. I love that they feel extra, extra, EXTRA special one day out of the year. They know they’re loved every day, but a day that’s ALL about them? That’s a great gift that they’ll never forget.

I look at these kids of mine, growing so quickly, becoming who they’re going to be, and I just can’t help but pinch myself. For real. Life the last few years has sucked (!!!), and, unfortunately, they’ve endured some of that suckiness. That’s totally unfair to them, and I hate that MY poop and their dad’s poop has run down to and on them. They have been one of the few bright lights through all of this, well, POOP, and it’s just so extra great to be able to share these special days with them and celebrate them this way. They remind me that the poop is part of it, and that there are so many tremendously and completely GOOD things in my life. THEY are among the best of those good things, and I’m so grateful for them.

Speaking of good things, I’ve made some progress on my COFFEE goals. And I’ve made some progress on ME… Check it out:

1. U 2.0 – U 2.0 is complicated, people. It’s liberating, to be sure, and it’s right. It’s just complicated, too. Seems contrary, I realize it, but that’s life, I’m learning. It’s not what you get that counts most, it’s what you DO with it. I’m learning to DO (and actually ENJOY) some good and fun and special things. One of the counselors at the school commented to me on Monday that the ornery sparkle was back in my eyes. I just grinned and told him to watch his back. I think that’s proof that I’m coming back. Yay, me!

2. Training for the Half – Despite continued hacking and spitting, I’m running again. One might think me a pro baseball player to watch me during a run, minus the grabbing, readjusting, and scratching part. Yum. My apologies to those with whom I will share the course in April if this doesn’t stop soon. Grant me wide berth, or you might get hacked on. I’m still running more on the treadmill than I would care to, but it’s mileage. I don’t know that my original goal of 2 hours is doable, but I’m going to finish this sucker if it kills me. And if I happen to finish anywhere inside 2.5 hours, I’ll have a real victory on my hands. So there, clogged lungs. Take THAT!

3. Book project – I can’t tell you what a relief it is to just be able to sit and reflect on the stories I’ve gathered to this point. No pressure to write, to make anything of them. Ahhhhh…. I will admit to spending more time with these than I thought I would when I gave myself the break, but I’m thinking that’s a good thing. We shall see.

4. Pondering studenthood – I. Found. A. Program. It’s a specialist’s degree, but it’s at a school that will allow me to roll that Ed. S. into a doctoral degree should I choose that within 6 hours of finishing! Plus, it’s about ten grand less than the other program I was considering, and it’s equally accredited and recommended! HOO-AH! Application process will begin this month. PRAY FOR ME, please.

5. Co-parenting – Someone told me way back when I first got separated that I would come to appreciate getting a break from the kids every now and then. “Think of all the things you’ll get done, that you’ll get to do that you never have before.” I told them I would probably like that – NEVER. Now I’m not saying that I do like it when the kids are at their dad’s, because this whole sharing thing’s still an open, raw, and bloody wound in my heart and in my head. I will admit, though, that I’m coming to be more productive during that time. Whereas before I would be all but paralyzed in my empty house, unable to sleep from the quiet and stillness, sick with missing those kids, I’m now able to clean, do laundry, take care of projects, leave the house more, cook just for me, and sleep a little better. Last night was the FIRST night that I have ever slept a whole night (more than 4 hours) in my own bed when the kids are at their dad’s. Is that weird? Maybe. But I did it. And it was a big deal… so maybe that person I thought was a completely heartless IDIOT (who enjoys their kids being away from them??!!!??? Please, IDIOT!) might be on to something… Just maybe… someday…

6. Awareness of Others – How interesting! More focus on other people, less on me… Shouldn’t be a surprise, I suppose. Less of me is such a breath of fresh air. Holy crapola! Why the heck did I ever get so wrapped up in ME? I’ve learned some very cool things about people in my life –students, new friends… I’m loving this and plan to try very hard to make this a lifestyle. Two thumbs, folks.

So it’s birthday week at my house, and COFFEE goals are coming around. All in all, life’s getting better all the time. I can’t help but include the quote again because it’s just too appropriate. Forgive me. Actually, no. Don’t if you don’t want to. I’m okay with it either way, because:

I choose to live by choice not by chance; to make changes not excuses; to be motivated not manipulated; to be useful, not used; to excel, not compete; I choose self-esteem, not self pity; I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinions of others.

I’m enjoying this week. I’m enjoying my kids. I’m enjoying things anew. And I wish all my COFFEE sistas the same…

COFFEE Post 10: Enough already…Then, ENOUGH. (Stephany)

OMG!!! HOLY SNOW! We survived. I’m actually, legitimately stunned in a way that we did! You read about the cluster that Snowpocalypse 2011 (SP11) created in the Tulsa, Okla., area. I’m here to tell you that SWMO was in pretty much the same boat, although we didn’t get quite as much of the evil white crap the second go-round that Tulsa did. But we got ENOUGH, for sure, MORE THAN ENOUGH. It’s been COLD, nasty, and actually a little scary. The school district I work for was closed for NINE school days; our last day of school was Jan 31, for Heaven’s sake. ENOUGH time off already! We just went back yesterday (2/14). Granted, we were able to get around some after about the 5^th day, but it was still fairly slick, so we didn’t run around just for the sake of running around. Needless to say, this “lovely” weather (note deep sarcasm) has put a SERIOUS damper on my COFFEE goals, at least a few of them… So, with that, a quick update:

1. U 2.0 – It’s U 2.0. It’s my life. It’s a work in progress, just like me.

2. Training for the Half – Not only have I not run a single mile outside on the road, I have run less than 10 on a treadmill in the last two weeks. I DID get in six core workouts and a couple of weights sessions, but I’m in trouble here, folks. Really serious trouble. In just a few days and two months, I am running 13.2 miles for charity. I have paid money and recruited friends to join me in this endeavor. THIRTEEN POINT TWO miles, and I’ve run less than ten miles in the last two weeks… yeah. That adds up, doesn’t it? Um, if it does, I would like to talk to you. Now, though, that I can actually see some pavement, I will be getting back into my training and praying like heck that I’ve done enough work to be able to pull this out of my butt. Cross your fingers, say your prayers, send me some mojo – I need it ALL. Gracias, friends.

3. Book project – I said last post that the fire was lit and I was ready to get back to work. Well, I’m not. I did some work on this project during our two weeks of snow-induced hell, and what I’m seeing is that I’m running everything together. It all sounds the same. I’m trying to tell important stories about the lives of incredible people, and I’m mucking it all up. A good friend looked me in the eye and spoke much-needed truth: “You gotta get your own sh*t in order, Steph, before you can deal with other people’s sh*t and do it any justice.” I had no response. She was ABSOLUTELY, completely right. SO, I’m granting myself a break. I swear to you (already swore to myself) that I will come back to this project when I have a little more of my own sh*t in order. I think maybe once the divorce is final and all that’s behind me, I’ll be worthy of even HEARING these stories, let alone trying to tell them. I need your help with this, too. I need you to ask me about my sh*t and if I’m getting it together. Give me a couple months and let me tell you I’m divorced first, but then you have my permission to ride me like a racehorse until I can honestly tell you I’m back to work on this project. Thank you in advance, by the way.

4. Pondering studenthood – I’m narrowing down my list of potential schools and have talked to several more people about what I need to pursue in terms of which degree, and I am feeling much more equipped to make this decision. Application deadlines for fall semesters are the end of March, so it’s go-time. I’m excited.

5. Co-parenting – The kids are pretty pleased with the arrangement we have right now, this sharing of the children poop. I hate it, personally. It gives me whiplash, and he doesn’t deserve this. THE KIDS, however, are happy, and THEY deserve both parents. SO, I am biting my tongue and praying for peace about this mess we’ve made. I know of nothing else I can do.

6. Awareness of Others – I spent some time during Snowpocalypse looking out for a couple of my neighbors who are older, and it was really nice to know that they felt better knowing someone was concerned for them. I also got to spend TONS of quality time with my kids, and to be able to focus that much on THEM and doing stuff they enjoy was really terrific! Instead of running around from practice to practice, game to tournament, we got to sit down, watch movies, play cards, bake stuff, read stories, do puzzles, play on the computer, snuggle and talk… It pains me to realize that the evil snow made this possible, but I’m grateful. Good times. I’m making it my mission this week in particular, as my students are returning to school and routines, to really focus on my students, too. I can’t spend lots of extra time with them, but I can be more observant and careful with the time I do have with them. I’m going to really be more aware of these kids and what’s up with them. I think it’s going to pay off. I don’t know how or why exactly. I just do. Stay tuned…

I spent some time during SP11 doing some things for me, too. I spent some time with friends, albeit online, who are in the same boat as me. We got to talk and commiserate and share and vent and laugh about our lives and the poop we’re going through. It was actually good medicine. Much-needed medicine. Check this out:

I choose to live by choice not by chance; to make changes not excuses; to be motivated not manipulated; to be useful, not used; to excel, not compete; I choose self-esteem, not self pity; I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinions of others.

I remember reading this for the first time on one of the boards and ROLLING MY EYES. Gag, I thought. PUH-LEEZE. I read it again about a week ago, and it was like I’d never really seen it before. Yes, I thought. Absolutely. Church, girl, preach it. So I stole it. And I’m sharing it with you. To whoever it is I swiped this from, thank you. (I did intend to give you credit, but I can’t find your post now. I’m sorry. Surely you don’t mind me sharing your – or, whoever you stole it from, their - wisdom.) I have read and re-read this quote and broken it down piece by piece, which leads me to the following… (stay with me, okay? There IS a point, I promise.)

Also during this break I got seriously caught up (and WAAAAAYYYYYY ahead – ahem…) on facebook. (P.S. If you’re a COFFEE chick, and we aren’t facebook friends, please send me a request or be on the lookout for a request from me. This should NOT be. We are sistas in COFFEE, thus should be FB friends. Jeez.) One of the best things I read/saw on FB the whole two weeks was posted by an old college friend from one college I attended and another college roommate from the school I graduated from (who do NOT know each other), within two days of one another. I do believe I was meant to watch it. I believe you were, too.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

This video is a bit lengthy, but it cut to the heart of so much of what I was able to feel and learn about myself from ruminating on the quote above and the whole of much of my adult life. Yeah, I know. Admittedly, I haven’t done my research on this lady, but what she says in this presentation is spot-on, in my opinion. She nailed ME, anyway, squarely on the heart. Ironically, the message at the end of this video is exactly the same message that my Bible study group has been studying. This is the concept of being ENOUGH and allowing yourself to be ENOUGH… In fact, I am seriously contemplating having this single word tattooed on my person: ENOUGH. I am enough, doggone it! And so are YOU… I could say so much more about this, but I really feel led to just put this link in front of you and leave it up to you to watch and evaluate and feel. Watch and see what you think.

I have to tell you, COFFEE chicks and followers (thank you, by the way, for reading what we have to say even though you aren’t posting with us!!!!!), that I feel like you are all very much a part of my coming back to life after all the turmoil and, well, POOP from the last couple of years. You help me open up, share, be vulnerable, allow myself to be seen, really seen, and to choose the good over the bad. You are the voices of support (I’m sorry. I really dislike that word, but I can’t come up with anything else that seems to fit right now.), of reason, and of love… So, in light of the fact that it was just Valentine’s Day, please know that you are all appreciated, and you are all good. Much love, COFFEE friends, much LOVE.

COFFEE Post 9: Big Girl Undies… (Stephany)

The last couple of weeks have been “interesting.” So much going on around here… I’ve been frustrated and moaning and groaning (which, unfortunately for you, you’ve been witness to), and I’ve been a real pansy in general about life. Some of what’s happened around here has really made clear that my moaning and groaning and complaining and whining and pity-party-throwing is just ridiculous, frankly.

One, an extended family member, a young man my age, has been battling brain cancer for some time now. He’s done great, remarkably well, in fact, and he has a terrific wife and three fab kids. He went to the doctor this week and found out that his tumor is not only growing, but it’s inoperable if he wants to continue to be able to speak.

Two, another acquaintance, the mom of one of my son’s basketball teammates and the wife of a high school classmate, was diagnosed with breast cancer. She doesn’t know too much yet, as it’s very early, but still. She’s afraid for her life and for what this means to her hubby and kids.

Three, a student of mine is dealing with the imminent death of his father. Another is dealing with a mother who just left the family behind. Still another lost a childhood friend and love interest in a car wreck this week.

Four, a friend found out that her husband’s former military commander’s children were murdered by their own mother this week. (Yeah, absorb that one for a minute…)

In light of those things and so many others, I just have to question myself and my motivation. I’m healthy. My kids are healthy. My parents are here still, healthy and supportive. My brother just got a very coveted and much-deserved promotion in the Army. I have friends and love and lots to be thankful for and am dealing with nothing that is life or death. Time to pull up the big girl panties and keep living life… and time to start thinking about someone other than ME. You may have detected this: I can be quite self-absorbed, and I usually find that I’m in a funk when I’ve been most self-absorbed.

Bingo.

Focusing too much on ME magnifies my problems and diminishes the blessings that are all around me. It also diminishes the stuff other people are struggling with, stuff that I should care about and be actively working to fix or help with. Time to get over myself.

Don’t hesitate to call me on this one, please.

So, in light of this reality check and the acquisition of a new pack of big girl undies (thanks, Mom – yeah, literally, she gave me a pack of underwear this weekend. I knew there was a reason for this. I adore my practical, wonderful Mom!), here is the update on my COFFEE goals:

1. U 2.0 – Still plugging along… can’t wait to go into more detail about this “situation,” but it’ll have to wait just a bit longer. Doggone it.

2. Training for the Half – Still coughing a bit, but I’m getting better. Thanks to the 9” of snow we already have on the ground and the 9-15” more we’re projected to get, I’m a little worried about my training schedule. Yeah, I can head to they gym and put miles in on the treadmill, but with almost a foot of snow on the ground, I doubt I’m driving anywhere today. Crap! No excuses here, this is for real! I’m so frustrated… April 17 isn’t going to wait on me to get my butt in gear. Would be nice, but that’s just not gonna happen. Here’s hoping the road crews rock it, and I can get back to work tomorrow. In the meantime, though, I’ll be doing a core workout along with some tae-bo or kickboxing here at home.

3. Book project – Fire’s lit. Trying to keep up. Have much to do… exhausted and excited just thinking about it. Whew.

4. Pondering studenthood – Have scheduled a couple of online “visits” to complete in the next couple of weeks, so I should know what I’m going to do (or at least what my options are) very soon. Scary poop, ya’ll! Scary poop.

5. Co-parenting – I’m not sure this is ever going to get easier, but like other things in my life right now, it’s gotta be an hour at a time, a day at a time, a week at a time. I also have to keep in mind that this is what the kids have asked for right now. They may get whiplash from all the back and forth stuff eventually, but this is what they’re asking for right now… that means I can survive this. I can. I will.

And I’m adding a #6: Awareness of Others – I don’t know if I need to focus on one particular “other,” or what. I just know I need to keep the focus off of my own poop and focus my energy on other people. I really do think my time would be better spent, and I’m almost completely positive that this will keep me from slipping back into such a nasty funk! Suck it, self-absorbed Steph.

Well, ladies, it’s time to go get into a pair of those new big-girl panties & get my butt downstairs for my workout… and I wish all of my COFFEE chicks a big-girl britches kinda week!

(Hope everyone is warm & safe & out of this stupid blizzard!!! And P, kickin’ mojo & all my love are comin’ your way for Thursday night!!! ROCK IT, girl. Work it, own it! LOL!)

COFFEE Post 8: I got nada. Maybe tomorrow…(Stephany)

I so want to write something clever or profound this evening, and it just ain’t happenin’. It’s Dad’s night with the kids, so it’s just me, the keyboard, some random show on TV to provide some noise, and Maya, the sweet boxer that I’m foster-parenting for awhile. (See Goal #5)

In light of the fact that I really just feel like getting rip-roaring drunk and going to sleep until, say, Wednesday night when the kids get home, I think I’ll just update you on my COFFEE project goals and call it a day. (I’ll have accomplished another goal in doing that – NOT getting rip-roaring drunk and crashing out until Wed., thank you very much.)

1. U 2.0 – No real updates here, but I would still appreciate your prayers and good mojo vibes… (Thanks!)

2. Training for the Half – Thirteen-ish weeks to go, and I’m starting to get really nervous about this. I have a respiratory “thing” right now, and running HURTS right now. That, and I cough & hack like a 70-year-old man who smokes about 20 packs a day (and has for 5 decades) and wipe snot for hours on end after I run. Plus, I’m really nervous, and my gut gets queasy just thinking about running in a race. So I run with a queasy stomach, a hacking cough, a full-on booger fiesta, and I just want it to be easy, dang it. Ugh. I’m hoping once I’m healthy, I’ll get out of this stupid running rut and get my head out of my butt about this. It will get easier, and I’m going to enjoy this process. I will.

3. Book project – After taking most of the holidays off, I’ve had a hard time getting back into the writing groove. I hate that I voluntarily put the kibosh on things and let the momentum screech to a violent (and stupid) halt. I did have a great conversation with someone who is going to be very important to my project this week, so that has re-lit the fire under my butt.

4. Pondering studenthood – Research continues… I’m getting excited about this. And scared.

5. Co-parenting – I’m in survival mode here, folks. We did okay through the holidays. We did. Now that it’s back to the everyday stuff of life, it’s a little tougher. I miss those kids so much when they’re not with me that it hurts. I wonder what they’re doing, what they’re feeling, how they are. I know they’re fine. I cared for them 99.9999% of the time for their whole lives, and now I have to share. That hurts. The house is quiet, and the quiet hurts. Maybe if I moan about it some more, it won’t hurt anymore. Ya think? Yeah, I know. Not so much…

I know, I said I’d list ‘em and call it a day… and I should. It’s just that I’m trying to be positive about this whole ordeal. I know it’s for the best, and I know the kids need their dad. They’ve needed him for ages and ages. And now they finally have him. On one hand, I’m so happy for them I can hardly take it. On the other, I am so angry that it’s taken THIS for them to get him….. Breathe, Steph. Down, girl… in through the nose, out through the mouth… rinse and repeat…

I just looked at the book I’m reading (a juicy historical romance a student let me borrow) right now. The bookmark I made myself a yellow sticky note) is sticking up out of the top, so I opened it up and read again for about the bazillionth time what’s scratched on it in Sharpie.

“It’s not what you get in life, it’s what you do with it that counts.”

I have no idea where that came from, who said it, or anything; it’s the truth, though. It’s my new mantra, and it’s something I’ve strategically placed through the house, the car, my desk at work, and in my planner. It’s my reminder that I get to choose. And when I’m like I am right now, I really have to help myself remember that I can choose to throw the self-serving (yet destructive) pity party OR I can choose to remember the kids and what they’re getting out of all of this. It’s what I do with all of this that counts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah… maybe tomorrow…

COFFEE POST 7: Don't Drink the Poop! (Stephany)

Happy 2011! It feels like forever since I’ve posted here in COFFEE-ville. After all, it was LAST year! Heh, heh, heh… yeah, lame joke. I’ve heard it about 2.7 billion times in the last couple days from students, and I’ve survived; so, you get to roll your eyes at it, too! Happy to share, thank you very much!

I have to tell you a very funny story that has absolutely nothing to do with COFFEE or the new year or anything relevant, but it is SOOO FUNNY. I think so, anyway!

My youngest, E, will be 4 in February. He’s one of those kids who notices EVERYTHING and remembers the tiniest details. He will say things like, “Mama, remember that time at Ronald McDonald’s house when that girl was crying because her toy fell on the floor and you said that’s why we shouldn’t take our toys into Ronald McDonald’s house?” And I have to think – HARD – about whether this happened, when it might have happened, and how the heck he remembered it. Eventually, I can usually find it in my cache from a couple months before and say, “Yes, Eli. I do remember that. And that is why we don’t take our own toys into Ronald McDonald’s house.” Wow. There’s almost always a connection for him, too, but I swear I can’t figure it out most of the time. He gets it, I guess, which is what matters. That kid has a MEMORY. Scary.

ANYWAY, we were sitting around playing a game and watching tv not too many evenings ago. A commercial came on for Pull-ups training pants. He thought carefully and said, “those kids are still babies. They poop in their pants. Uncle Jason drinks poop, Mama. Did you know that Uncle Jason drinks poop?”

WHAT??? I argued with him for about 10 minutes, patiently saying intelligent things like, “no, Uncle J doesn’t drink poop, Eli. You shouldn’t say that. It’s not true, and it’s gross.”

He continued, confident in the fact that his Uncle does, in fact, drink poop. “Mama, he DOES TOO drink poop. I know he does. I saw him. He drinks the poop out of a red cup.”

That stopped my argument cold. I started laughing so hard. My child was RIGHT, at least partially right, anyway. Holy Poop!

See, my brother chews tobacco – a lot. And when we are at my parents’ house, he always uses a red plastic cup to spit in. That way, no one ever confuses it with a drink. Gag… blech… NASTY!!!!!!

Anyway, I’ve always told the kids (from when they were tiny) that tobacco is “ca-ca.” It’s still called that around my house. SO, Eli, seeing J put that stupid cup of crap to his lips, thought he was DRINKING POOP!!!!!! I was able to explain to Eli that his Uncle wasn’t really drinking poop but spitting poopy stuff into a cup to throw away, and he got it. My stomach hurt from laughing so hard, though, and that story got more than a couple belly laughs over the holidays, too…. Maybe you had to be there, but that’s good stuff, I’m telling you!

Okay, back to business… I took a vacation in my last post from my original COFFEE goals to whine and moan about end-of-semester crud – my apologies for that. It’s part of the job, and I shouldn’t complain about it. I also set a couple of extra goals for myself. I have to brag a bit about those, by the way, because I accomplished EACH OF THEM!!!

1. I got the work done. I had everything graded and entered before I left school for the break. I did NO WORK over the vacation, except to glance briefly at the plans for the first day the night before we went back to school. YAY, Me! That was HUGE!

2. I was focused and PRESENT with the kids! We were enjoyed our outings and time together, so there wasn’t a LOT of downtime at home. When we were home, though, we did even more things together than we usually do, and I reserved as much work (or incorporated the kids into it) as I could for when they were down for the night or otherwise occupied. It felt good, and they appreciated it a lot. I will continue this practice… Truly, I’m committed to this.

3. I did relax and enjoy the break. I did keep activity to a meaningful minimum. I didn’t get to see everyone I wanted to see, but I made the absolute most of the time away from school. It was liberating, to say the least. I’m going to apply this concept to life in general.

4. I wrote – a lot. I reflected on the year, on my life as it is to this point, on the kids, on my “situation…” I dispensed some much-needed and long-overdue forgiveness to a few other people and also to myself. I focused on blessings, and I embraced those I love as often as I could. I also embraced the Season and the time… it was awesome.

It was a good break, a much-needed break. It was well-spent time, and I’m thankful to have had it.

And now, back to COFFEE… since it’s been awhile, I’m going to just list my COFFEE project goals and give you the quick down & dirty update on each.

1. U 2.0 – The end is near. Officially Unmarried 2.0 is sooooooo close. I can almost taste it. I still have my moments of panic and fear, but mostly I feel empowered and brave and good. Please continue to pray and/or keep your fingers crossed for me.

2. The Caffeine Kick – MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!! I’m good here. One cup a day, and I’m not craving more than that. Some days I have my morning Joe, others I wait for an afternoon soda. But I really don’t want more than that anymore… Who knew that was possible? I didn’t! And my headaches are practically gone, which is always the biggest sign that I’ve won the battle w/the stuff.

3. Training for the Half – FOURTEEN weeks to go… HOLY CRAP! If it weren’t for being petrified of having to look P in the eye and tell her I’m not ready and Tom Holland’s wisdom, I’d be nowhere on this. For real. I’m back to eating normally again and have gotten back into the gym groove, and I’m better. I WILL BE READY. I will finish this Half.

4. Book project – I took a break and didn’t do a whole lot on this over the past month. I have contacted several other sources for their stories, so I hope to be very busy on this project in the next month or so…

5. Pondering studenthood – I actually had a couple conversations with key people in regard to going back to school. I did. It’s a matter of deciding how big I want to go. Will a specialist’s degree be enough, or do I need to go all the way to the doctorate? THAT’s the million-dollar question. I’m getting my questions and doubts addressed, and that’s progress.

6. Co-parenting – We made it through the holidays with some back-and-forthing for the kids. It might not have been ideal, but it went. They enjoyed Christmas, got lots (two separate Christmas events’ worth) of cool gifts, had fun on New Year’s Eve, and they are okay. It was difficult and heart-breaking at times, but it was alright. We made it, and ultimately that’s what matters. We’ll keep on keeping on; and as long as the kids are at the fore-front, we’ll keep making it.

So my six goals are down to five, and that feels good. It’s GUUUUUD. Very good. The five remaining goals are long-term, day-by-day goals, but I’m excited to tackle them.

Isn’t it funny how we get all excited about tackling challenges at this time of the year? I mean, I used to write resolutions and such, but that’s really all they were – written resolutions with no action to back them up. I can’t think of but a couple that I actually acted upon or that resulted in some kind of change in my life. That makes me wonder: why is it that we take this time each year to think about what we want and where we want to be? And then why don’t most of us see those things through to fruition? Seriously. Why?

I guess in a way, each of us COFFEE chicks chose challenges and resolved to tackle them when we signed up for this adventure. Following each other’s journeys has been exciting and empowering and uplifting and encouraging. We’ve each accomplished some things, and we each have boldly declared that we’ll be better for this experience. I know I am.

So what’s the difference? What makes a person take action and commit and then follow through? Also, what holds us back? When I’m honest and look at all the resolutions that I’ve made and didn’t act on, I can see that I wasn’t committed to making change. That was mostly because I’ve been such a chicken-$h!t about change, about life really. And so, despite the fact that I could have bettered myself or my life by making those changes I claimed to want to make, I let fear of failure and fear of success and doubt and all that other poop win. I drank the poop, if you will. Huh. Gag… blech… NASTY!!!

Well, COFFEE chicks, I gotta tell you that I’m so proud of us. Proud that we all accepted this challenge, proud that we put it out there, proud that we are finally leaving the poop in the red cups and drinking in the good stuff of life! SO, as we venture boldly into 2011, I beg of you to join me in focusing on the good and please, please, PUH-LEEZE, don’t drink the poop.

Teacher-itis (Stephany)

As of this morning, we officially have 3.5 days until Christmas break. As a teacher, I can’t tell you what a big deal this is. Most people think that it’s just the kids that get buggy at the end of a semester, as they look forward to Santa’s arrival and no school and no teachers and no books and no dirty looks and all that… well, the folks who think it’s just the kids are absolutely, completely, totally, and in all ways WRONG. The kids are buggy, of course, but we adults get pretty buggy, too, when it gets close to a vacation! Apathetic students, end of semester grades and deadlines, general holiday stress, and this nasty cold weather conspire to create an atmosphere of chaos and, well, BUGGINESS, and presents itself in so many as the condition called Teacher-itis.

[Speaking of chaos, in my last post I dared to fly the bird at the week I’d had. “BIG mistake. BIG. HUGE.” (That was my homage to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. I love that movie.) Why do I tempt the Fates, challenge the status quo, complain and moan, and in general set myself up to teach myself that things usually can get worse??? Why, oh why, do I do this? Well, I suppose I am a little like Tangy T but not as smart as Wendy, and I’m a BULLHEADED asshat. I sure am. After my last post, I mean RANT, I made a real mess of some very important and delicate things. I will spare you the gory and unnecessary details. (You’re welcome.) I made a couple bad choices. I procrastinated on a project that I really, REALLY needed to nail. I drove five hours one way to watch my daughter’s cheerleading team compete, only to have a fender-bender and get a ticket for said wreck, ONE BLOCK from the convention center, missed her performance, and then drove five hours back home. I lost two students’ book reports – yep, LOST THEM, and then I had to fess up and ask them to forgive me and to do another (albeit modified) book report. I wracked up a late fee at the video store, dang it! Basically, I topped the week that I claimed deserved the BIRD. Wah, wah, wah… okay, crying about it doesn’t help. Maybe a couple bottles of wine will do the trick… Hmmmm…. Might be worth a shot! Who’s in???]

If you aren’t a teacher, you may be rolling your eyes right now, thinking (quite sarcastically, I’m sure) “poor woman… gets holidays and summers off, only works from 8-3 every day… POOR THING.” If you are a teacher, you know just how much I’d like to punch the crap out of anyone who’s thinking that. A for instance: I was at one of the kids’ activities this week and made the comment that there just aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done. An oh-so-wise woman (sarcasm intended) looked me right in the eye and basically called me a whiner, “Don’t you teach? You get off everyday at 3. Maybe you need a lesson in time management.” Now, she may have been trying to be positive and remind me how good I have it. (I do know I have a pretty doggone good gig, by the way.) Maybe she was trying to break up my pity party. Maybe she was. I wasn’t thinking in those terms in the instant that came out of her mouth, though, and it took everything in me NOT to set her straight (meaning punch the crap out of her). If you are a teacher, you know that your work day begins WAY before the bell rings in the morning and usually ends sometime after your own kids are in bed. If you are a teacher, you know that grading (especially as a high school English teacher) NEVER ends, and you know that your mind never really shuts off in terms of coming up with ideas, assignments, projects, and strategies to improve your teaching and help your students learn more. (If, however, you know how to shut this off, I’d really like to have that installed as an option! I never want to totally shut it off, though, because I find that some of what works best for me and is best for my students comes at the most inopportune or random times. Every now and then, though, it might be nice to shut it off for just a bit…) We work 50+ hours a week all school year long, and THAT’s why we get our summers and breaks off!

ANYWAY, the end of a semester is one of those times when I (and every other teacher) want an Easy Button, for sure. It’s a time of last-minute scrambling so kids can get their grades up, test writing and grading, essay grading, catching up, planning for next semester, and just wrapping everything up. It’s an exciting time, too, because there is the prospect of starting fresh in just a few weeks, but it’s still a few weeks away and I’m thankful for that. All of that adds up to Teacher-itis, for which there is no cure but time and the pulling up of the big-girl panties, shaking off the funk, and just DEALING with it with a smile and an appreciation of the fact that we’re half-way to SUMMER break!

To that end, I’m going to modify my goals for the time between now and my next post. I sure hope that’s allowed. If not, I’ll take my punishment, and I ain't skeered a'you, Warden P! J

My goals for the next post, then, are as follows:

1. Get the work DONE. Grade & enter. Plan. Move on.

2. Be home when I’m at home. By this, I mean that I need to be PRESENT at home, especially with the kids. Reserve work & “me stuff” for when they’re occupied or in bed. This is a gift I want to give my sweet babies all-year round, and it has to start sometime. Now’s as good a time as any, I’d say.

3. Relax. Enjoy the break. Choose carefully how to spend the precious few days we have away from school. If it isn’t going to be fun or be beneficial in the long run, skip it. Some things just need to be done, but I want to keep the activity to a meaningful minimum. (Oh, I like that… a MEANINGFUL MINIMUM. Yes.)

4. Reflect. Forgive. Count blessings. Embrace. The holidays are a great time to take pause and really reflect on the year that’s passed… It’s going to be especially important for me this year to reflect, forgive myself, remember all the blessings, and allow myself to move forward and embrace the blank slate that 2011 is.

After writing and re-reading these, the teacher in me just has to come out for a moment. (Humblest apologies.) I would like for you to focus on goals 3 and 4 for just a moment. Your assignment, then, is as follows: In 1-2 detailed paragraphs, and keeping in mind that there are no right or wrong answers this time, explain to me how these goals might apply in your own life. Are they or are they not in line with your year-end goals? How?

I’ll kick this Teacher-itis, I’m sure of it. And I’ll do it in time to enjoy the holidays: my kids, my family, the amazing food, and the time away from work. COFFEE chicks and anyone else reading this, I wish you the same: that you can kick your own “– itis” and that you are able to truly ENJOY yourself, however it is and whatever it is that you celebrate! I wish you laughter – at yourself and others! I wish you peace – in your own heart & mind, with your past & your present, and with those around you! I wish you time – for solitude & reflection and with those you love the most! Basically, I wish you the COFFEE-est Christmas ever!

COFFEE POST 5 – What P Said… (Stephany)

I could literally copy and paste the first part of Patresa’s post from yesterday. Middle finger, last ten days, MIDDLE FINGER!!! The most frustrating part of flying the bird in this instance is that I have to direct it mostly in my own general direction. (I actually just smiled as I typed that. P & T, surely you remember Megan saying this: “I fly the bird in your general direction.” Thanks, Megs; I needed that smile today!) It’s so much easier for me to try to fly the bird at the time and the lack of “results” from the last ten days, but the cold, hard truth is that I earned the bird.

I’m almost ashamed to post this, to tell you the truth. My last post was all about how thankful I am for the good stuff in my life – and there’s a LOT of that, and I’m TRULY thankful for all of it. This post… the middle-finger-pointing post… is quite different. Ah, life and ah, me, for allowing life to jack with my head like this… My apologies for the drastic difference in tone, but I think there has to be a reason for the last ten days. There’s gotta be!

Allow me to recap by goal:

1. U 2.0 - It’s been a trying couple of weeks on this front. And as of yesterday, I made some decisions that are going to complicate this even further… more later… If, however, you’re the praying kind, send some up for me. I’m going to need them. (Thanks, in advance!)

2. The Caffeine Kick – The last six days have been an EPIC FAIL in the realm of kicking the caffeine habit! E-P-I-C fail. My youngest came home from Thanksgiving with Dad a very sick little fella. After a visit to Express Care on Sunday, he and I spent the next two days at home, battling a fever, lots of snot, and a nasty cough. Sleep? Um, not so much… Coffee & Diet Cokes? Um, MULTIPLE. The rest of the week was spent playing catch-up at school, including a marathon session of grading Thursday night through Friday morning that came as a result of my famous procrastinating… Caffeine– too many to recall, Me – ZERO.

3. Training for the Half – Um, let me just say that I put in a whopping TWO miles in the last ten days… I did do a couple of ab workouts, but I didn’t go into the gym ONE time or follow my training schedule a single day. And I will not even discuss the amounts or kinds of food consumed over the Thanksgiving weekend. Yeah. Go me.

4. Book project – I made “some” progress on this project, but admittedly I said “some” because I’m choosing to be positive and look at this one glass-half-full. I did do some work on one story, and I’m feeling pretty good about that story. It’s a good one, truly.

5. Pondering studenthood – I didn’t put more than 30 minutes of thought into this decision, but I think my brain needed the break.

6. Co-parenting – I survived a first over Thanksgiving. I survived it. Thanksgiving was the first holiday the kids spent with Dad, away from me. They had a good time, which I’m thankful for, and we all made it. It was gut-wrenchingly awful, though, to hand them over. And for the first time, I had to answer the question I dreaded: “Where are the kids?” My reply: “They’re with their Dad, having a ball, I’m sure.” MIDDLE FINGER without question or hesitation on this one. I doubt I’ll ever get used to this one, but maybe someday I’ll not feel the urge to fly the middle finger every single time. (A girl can hope, right?)

Goals for the next ten days:

1. U 2.0 – I’m going to tackle the devil head-on. You have no idea how literally I mean this. I’m petrified in a way I haven’t been in an extremely long while. HOWEVER, it’s the absolutely right thing to do, and my fear will NOT allow for the rest of my life to be dictated to me. That’s one of the reasons for U 2.0 in the first place, and I will not allow it. WILL NOT ALLOW IT.

2. Caffeine Kickin’ – ONE CUP A DAY. Despite the fact that caffeine made it possible for me to get through last week, it’s time to return to normal. With my new fave creamer (Peppermint Mocha) in the fridge, that’s going to be tough; it’s so dangerously delicious. I will have ONLY one cup per day and will just have to savor it.

3. Training - Tom Holland, P, & T, my apologies, however I WILL return to the program on Monday. I will follow the training schedule you so carefully designed and printed for me. I will eat like I’m fueling a healthy, active body and not like a group of seven depressed teen-aged girls whose boyfriends just dumped them so now they don’t have dates to the Prom. This may require regular infusions of Advil, Beano, and ice packs, but April 17 is approaching rapidly. Besides, the bones held together by the screw in my knee feel every extra OUNCE of weight on my frame, let alone the 2.5-ish pounds I have packed on in the last two weeks! This is going to hurt, but the burn will be so good in the long run. It has to be! It WILL BE, so good.

4. Book project – I’m going to make contact with a couple more sources this week, and I so look forward to hearing their stories. Beyond adding to the chapters of the book, I always feel so empowered, so convicted, so humbled, so encouraged by the women I talk to. These are tremendous women who are a real example, and I could use some of that right now – in a BIG way!

5. Co-parenting – I’m going to stop making comparisons between Dad and Mom. I’m going to start focusing again on making the most of the time I have with these kiddos. I’m going to remember that my example can be just as detrimental as Dad’s can be. I want to have fun with the kids and still teach them what they need to know, just like I always have. That doesn’t have to change, and I have almost allowed it to at times, especially lately. Today, for instance, we’re going to take care of household stuff after church and then go have some fun rocking & rolling at the skating rink for the first time in months! That’s how we always used to do things, how it should be, and how it’s going to be again. I’m looking forward to this!

Middle finger, last ten days. Middle finger, me. Okay, I think I have that out of my system now. It’s time now to re-focus and re-purpose and get back to the business of being ME and living life as it ought to be lived. Wish me luck, send up some prayers, and I wish you a week free of middle fingers!