Inside Out and San Francisco Serendipity (Holly)

When we last met, I was going to go on a massive cleanse and by next post, due tomorrow, I was to come up with a plan.  A schedule.  Attack time!!  Well, I don’t exactly have that, but what I do have, I think, is better.  I found a book I had been looking for since last post and have chosen to implement my cleansing project around said book.  And, in fact, what my project actually will be is organizing. My home.  My office.  My life.  Yes, it will include cleansing, but really what I need to do is organize.  Which includes  an element of purge.  But purging is just an element of the overall goal.  This book, called Organizing from the Inside Out by Julie Morgensterm, details a plan to get organized and stay organized.  That’s the good news.  Bad news is that it will take time.  And, a lot of it.  It’s time to do it though.  My excuses have run out.  Essentially, it’s a fail to plan, plan to fail philosophy.  And taking a close look at what’s keeping one from being organized right now.  She organizes this into three areas: Technical Errors, External Realities, and Psychological Obstacles.   For example, one of my four technical errors is that many of my items “don’t have a home”.  One of my external realities is that I’m bordering on an “unrealistic workload” being a full-time employee, two kiddos, decent sized house with a big yard, exercise goals, blogging projects, group leader for a small group, etc.  One of my psychological obstacles is “sentimental attachment”.  My dad died in 1992 and I still have sooooo much of his stuff, including clothes.   I’ve hung on to quite a few memorabilia from high school, backpacking trips to Europe, notes and emails from 1995 and 96! I found these recently in a 3-ring binder.  What was I thinking?? But, yet, I can’t bring myself to throw them out.  Oh, and what do I do with the huge bag of love letters from my ex-husband?  Anyway….this is just a sampling of things that need to be addressed to become a more organized person.  

The next step is to analyze and “take stock” in the area you are about to organize by asking yourself five questions:

1)      What’s working?

2)      What’s not working?

3)      What items are most essential to you?

4)      Why do you want to get organized?

5)      What’s causing the problems?

Room for improvement!
Note the piles, triple clock
(Des Moines, London, and Dushanbe),
a phone book (why?),
 a Russian Dictionary (why?), and
of course, a picture of a Llama. And,
some bug spray I bought on sale.
In August.



The author says you CANNOT skip any of these steps and warns vehemently against giving into the temptation of diving in and starting purging and cleansing.  Exactly what I was going to do! And, I was going to start in the basement.  She also says to start with a smaller project in a highly utilized area so that you can really see the results and reap the rewards.  Consequently, I have chosen to start with the “Household Information Center”.    I have what should be in this area scattered all over the desk it’s supposed to be in and all across the kitchen.  I have answered the five questions as it pertains to the information center, and have to tell you…..I’m not proud of the level of disorganization I operate under and the periodic results of said disorganization. 

So on the plane to San Francisco, I took time to analyze my “household info center” by answering the five questions.  As I was on the plane I couldn’t see the area and so I’m going to take a second look now that I’m home.  It has been a good process to really examine what is working and what isn’t.  And, I suppose good to look at what’s causing the problem.  Julie lists “organizing is boring” under technical errors.  I definitely have this problem. I would much rather be blogging  than trying to figure out where my Runner’s World, Women’s Health, the Writer, and Food Network magazines should go.  I have a subscription to each of these.  What if I need to reference one someday? What if ummmm……why is it I can’t toss these? I even have some Veggie Times from 1998 and 1999.  There were some great recipes in there!! When was the last time I pulled one out and made something from one of them?  Well, why would I do that? I get Food Network now! And, I have about 20 cookbooks in my kitchen and I cook out of those.  Oh, and a 3-ring binder with recipes I pull from the internet.  The way I’m talking, you’d think I’m cooking all the time! Ha! See external reality referenced above.  Too much going on to cook the way I love to cook.  Half the time it’s pasta with a side of vegetables or frozen chicken nuggets in the shape of dinosaurs.  With a side of broccoli, of course!  Anyway, if I can’t even bring myself to organize something as fun as great magazines, why would I want to address bills and 529 and 401k and deferred comp and car registration notifications????? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Well, that’s exactly why you have to answer the WHY do you want to get organized.  For the information center it’s important that I get organized for several reasons.  One biggy is that it will save me a lot of money.  I’m not as bad as I used to be, but I still get the occasional late fee or penalty.  I’ve been ticketed more than one year for not getting my car registration done on time. Hey! When was that due? Oh, October? Okay…..listen COFFEE mates, I’m in danger of it happening RIGHT NOW! And guess what? My driver’s license expires on my birthday this year.  In TWO WEEKS.  Ok, you get the picture.  Another main reason I need to do this area, as well as the other areas in my home, is to feel a sense of calm and control.  When I’m organized, I feel so much more free and light.  A big challenge after getting organized is staying organized.  For the information center this requires 5-10 minutes of daily attention.  Zzzzzzzzzz  And, periodic “tune-ups” zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Information Center clutter in the kitchen.
Children's art, pasta with Cauliflower
recipe, Christmas CD, BRMC CD, 
Wilco CD, magazines, and lots of bills. And,
Puffs Plus with Lotion. And my keys.
And, a knife.

So, next on the path to creating an organized information center is to strategize and create a plan of action.  This is where you think about the area’s activity zones, the supplies used in each zone, and then the corresponding storage unit.  I have started this activity and the zones are things like Mail and Paper flow, Bill paying, Meal Planning, kids’ school papers, etc…..

By next time I write in two weeks or so, I will be done with strategizing and plan creation and most likely moving in to ATTACK! Getting the job done through SPACE!

Sort       Purge   Assign a home  Containerize      Equalize

Again, Julie insists on doing all of the steps and they must be in order.   Tune in next time to see how it goes for the information center SPACE. 

But before I sign off, I must tell you about San Francisco serendipity.  As you may recall, I wrote a lot about serendipity last year.  Though the serendipitous events have waned a bit, I’ve noticed a resurgence recently.  Last week fellow COFFE mate, Becky Johnson, and I were in San Francisco for work.  I posted something about being there on Facebook and fellow COFFEE mate, Angie Ryan, saw the post and we arranged to meet in North Beach area for a drink Friday at 5:30.  Neither Becky nor I had met Angie before and we were both very excited to get together and talk about COFFEE whilst having a cocktail.  During our lunch break on Friday, in an ENTIRELY different part of town, Becky and I were walking to a restaurant for lunch.   We both saw a woman that looked a heck of a lot like Angie walking up a brutal San Francisco hill.  I thought to myself, nah, couldn’t be her.  Becky said, out loud, HI! Is your name Angie??  And, yup! You guessed it.  IT WAS!! Don’t tell me that was just a coincidence! We chatted for about 10 minutes and agreed to meet later as previously arranged.  And, we did. And, it was fun! And, why we didn’t get a picture is beyond me!  Then, I could post it here, now.  Here’s to hoping that I get to meet the rest of you that I haven’t yet!

The Brutality of the Dice (Holly)

Tonight the decision dice are really pissing me off.  I realize that it’s highly suspect to make decisions based off of what the decision dice say…..but, I’m telling you, they’re so on target so often when I do it, that it’s hard not to put a little faith in them.  Because of this respect that I’ve developed for the decision dice, I don’t bother them too often.  Only when I really want an idea on how something might turn out.  I guess we could also call them fortune telling dice as you’re allowed to ask questions about the future.  One method allows for vague questions like, “What will happen with my love life in the next 3 months” or, “how’s it going to go with me, the Artist’s Way, and the blog”….stuff like that.  So, I got answers tonight that I did not expect!!  And, they weren’t really what I wanted to hear.   One result of the brutal honesty of the dice, I have decided that I cannot do the Artist’s Way as my COFFEE project.  I still want to do the blog, but I think that the project that I’m really supposed to do is to clean and organize my life.  Cleanse. Deep and thorough cleanse.  I mentioned the importance of this project at some point last year in a COFFEE blog.

I fully intended for this first blog to be about what I learned from last year’s blogging COFFEE experience and why I didn’t end up finishing the whole Artist’s Way course.  But…..I just can’t bring myself to do it.  Turns out it has to do with this clearing, cleansing, purging thing…..as many of you COFFEE alum may recall, I learned a lot about listening to the universe and being open to the many serendipitous events that it presents to me.  Well, that’s what is happening now and all roadsigns lead to a major cleanse as top priority.  I’ve been stuffing it for years. No pun intended.  I have no excuses anymore. 

Here’s what the Artist’s Way has to say on this topic:….(and I highlighted the crap out of it last year)

By tossing out the old and unworkable, we make way for the new and suitable.  A closet stuffed with ratty old clothes does not invite new ones.  A house overflowing with odds and ends and tidbits you’ve held on to for someday has no space for the things that might truly enhance today.

When the search-and-discard impulse seizes you, two crosscurrents are at work: the old you is leaving and grieving, while the new you celebrates and grows strong. As with any rupture, there is both tension and relief.  Long-seated depression breaks up like an ice floe.  Long-frozen feelings thaw, melt, cascade, flood, and often overrun their container (you).  You may find yourself feeling volatile and changeable. You are.

Be prepared for bursts of tears and laughter. A certain giddiness may accompany sudden stabs of loss. Think of yourself as an accident victim walking away from the crash: your old life has crashed and burned; your new life isn’t apparent yet.  You may feel yourself to be temporarily without a vehicle. Just keep walking.

This is just a bit of what I'm up against!

I am excited and terrified all at once by this choice that I’ve made.  That last paragraph from Artist’s Way certainly resonates with me….old life crash and burn and what is the new life?

My goal is by the next time I write, in two weeks, I will at least have a schedule and plan of attack for a major home and life cleansing!

Oh, and btw....it's good to be back, COFFEE MATES.

Maybe it's Okay (Holly)

Maybe it's Okay.......
........to live unconventionally;
........to take to time to breath; even Jesus went to the desert to meditate.
........to go OFF THE GRID for a Yoga & Meditation Retreat on Lake Atitlan in Guatemala;
........to go on a solo retreat in Durango, Colorado and use the GRID SPARINGLY.

Tulips and Cow Skull...in my courtyard

Maybe it's Okay......
........to live and learn that your roots are in Central Iowa, but your branches thrive and grow by seeing the sun in other places;
........to follow your instincts and ask for matches when you need to light a candle;
........to spend $40 on herbal therapy products just cuz your in Durango and it feels and smells right.

Maybe it's Okay.....
........to walk 14 blocks "home" in the rain cuz you're on vacation;
........to sleep the first 18 of 22 hours of vacation. You must've need it, right?
........to buy and eat a whole bag of "gourmet cheese puffs" because they're made out of cheddar and BLUE CHEESE!!YUMMY!

Maybe it's Okay....
.......to set better boundaries when you get home;
.......to be awestruck by handsome dudes in Durango who are not ashamed to do Yoga. Nor are they ashamed to take their shirts of when it gets warm.  All of them.
........to be a woman alone and go out alone on a Saturday night;

The Office-Coolio Lounge in Durango

Maybe it's Okay....
........to ask to sit with an approachable woman in a lounge called "the Office" in Durango, CO;
........to let some beautiful Spanish women set you up with a Gringo named Doug---just cuz they seemed so confident and they're beautiful and they said he was hot....and a lawyer...in Durango;




Maybe it's Okay ......
to spend $485 on a pair of cool cowboy boots. Maybe they'll change your life....just in case Doug fails to.

Kill all of the Mice (Holly)

About a week or so ago, I dreamt there were about 20 mice chewing on my pant legs. It was freaky.  I wondered why the hell I would dream about mice and decided it must be significant, so I looked it up.  Here’s what it said,

“To see mice in your dream, indicates that you are spending too much time dwelling on minor problems and insignificant matters and may suggest that someone is trying to bring down your self-confidence. Someone may be nipping away at your resources.  Mice can also symbolize minor irritations and annoyances. Perhaps you are letting petty problems or insignificant issues eat away at you.”

COFFEE mates, it seems a little sacrilege to write about these mice when I have so much other Let’s Get Happy! Festival news for you.  The Universe has been extremely kind to me since I last wrote and the Happy! Fest is going strong!  However, tonight, I’m home alone…feeling a little sad and lonely from killing one of the mice earlier today.  It had to be done, but it’s still sad.  Tomorrow, after a good night’s sleep, I’m sure I’ll be fresh and good as new- and glad to have the mouse dead. 

Here’s what I’ve learned in the last three weeks- having a rewarding, yet demanding, full time job, 2 kids 50% of the time, solo parenting in general, and planning a kick butt all day musical benefit, is a shit ton of work.  It requires excellent time management, energy, and drive.  There is no time for “minor irritations and annoyances”. And, guess what? I do often let them eat away at me.  I spend way too much time trying to figure shit out. Sometimes, a lot of times, it just doesn’t matter. More importantly, all the time and energy used to fuss about insignificant issues could be used for what should be prioritized in my life. Like Artist’s Way, COFFEE Blogging, a meaningful job, my children, and earning money for an organization that probably saved my life.  (HAPPY! FEST)  I need to be Mark in this Love Actually clip.

So there you go. Enough. Enough now.  Holly is moving on to bigger and better things.  Going to live up to my “potential” and more.  One of my greatest joys in life has been to learn about other people and see things from their perspective.  I gathered new experiences and perspectives like a starving woman.  I went to college, I moved to Denver by myself, and I went to Europe five times, visiting most of the countries, some more than once. I’ve slept on a park bench in Paris, cried at Auschwitz, and smoked up in Amsterdam.  I’ve skinny dipped on the Italian Riveria and crashed a moped on the Amalfi Coast.  I met my first husband in a youth hostel in Zakopane, Poland and then racked up a $1200 phone bill calling him as I traveled solo on the fjords of Norway.  I hitchhiked from London to Dublin, once in the pouring rain.  This is when I learned to say that I need a lift, not a ride. I spent a hot day in Rome with only enough money to buy a loaf of bread to spread the peanut butter I brought from home.  I showed up in Malta with no money and no place to stay.  Two weeks later a Maltese woman was shoving Valium down my throat after I got the call that my dad was dead.   I’ve been to two countries in South America, hiking the Inca trail to Machu Pichu in one and adopting my son as well as doing a yoga and meditation retreat in the other.  I’ve been to at least four cities in Mexico and five countries in the Caribbean.  

I told Sam (my ex-husband) that I was lonely a couple months ago and he asked what my definition of loneliness was as it seemed to him I have people around me constantly.  It took me awhile to respond (this was all through text).  Finally, I said that loneliness to me is not having anybody that gives a shit about your day to day life, the little things, the big things.  That day there was a ½ inch of snow covering the back hoe, the dirt piles, the 8 foot hole in the ground, and the remnants of my deck (some scattered across the yard and some still attached to the house).  The birds were happy.  In one swoop of the eye I could see a white-breasted nuthatch, chickadees, both male and female cardinal, and a red-bellied woodpecker.  Though I appreciate what’s going on at my house, I felt like saying to someone, “Look at this mess! Look at those birds!” 

Yes, I have a lot of friends. Real friends.  Angels really.  Nothing is the same, though, as an intimate relationship with a lover.  So, though I will always want to gather more experiences and perspectives, right now, deepening my life is what is important to me. Right now, I’m most interested in quality. Not quantity. All of the things that I mentioned that I’ve done, I essentially did them alone.  It was great and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  I would love to explore the world around me, both near and far, with someone else this time.  Someone I love and who loves me.  Until that happens, I will attempt to focus my energies on adding depth to the life I have now. 

I asked the Decision Dice what the next three months of my life would be like.  Here’s the answer:

I’m not sure Lady Luck smiles on anyone who pushes her too hard. But, having said that, it might be worth a go. Try demanding whatever it is you want. Stand in a field at dawn and scream your demands to the universe. So what if there isn’t anyone there to listen. I bet you get results. But you have to make the first move. The universe has to know what it is you want. Be wild and impulsive. Dare to dream. Have the guts to push your luck. If you dare, you’ll be embarking on a new path in life – one that’s permanent.  All you have to do is make whatever it is you want, known.

Bring it! Better go work on that Bon Jovi proposal:) 
Oh, and any mice?? Beware!

Drunken Punch-up with the Universe (Holly)

Thank you for being honest, and admitting to all your lies-Don’t think I wanna get even, let the Universe decide…...

Half Smile by the Hank Dogs

I tried to insert this song. I don't know how. If you feel so inclined, download it to your iTunes while you read this blog. It's bloody good and so apros pos to so much of what we talk about here.  Also, there was an Axis I (as in the Triple Axis of Evis) episode since we last spoke that I wish I could write about, but posting this song will have to do.  It was amazing, validating, affirming. Trust your gut, friends. If you're friends with your gut, that is.

The Universe slapping you upside the head can either be amazingly beautiful or brutally painful and destructive.  And ugly.

Which one do you want first? Let’s do ugly first.  Okay….since I last wrote, the sewer problem was finally resolved. What I mean is: The problem was FINALLY discovered.  Some yahoo plumber from a couple years ago left 200 feet, yes, let me say it again, 200 feet of cable in my sewer!! Apparently this amount of cable is worth about $1200.  Build up of crap and shit (literally) and another thing for tree roots to grab on to equals a clogged sewer and over $15,000 in repair.  My insurance company will pay for about $6,000 of it.  I have a $1,000 deductible.  OUCH! I’m not doing the math.  I’m going to dissociate, thank you. What’s not resolved is that Holly needs to figure out WHO the plumbers from couple years ago were and sue their plumber tushies. Cracks and all. Bloody hell. Like I have the time, energy, or inclination!!

Meanwhile, damage to van equals over $1600.  $500 deductible. Bloody hell.

To top it off, my internet, home phone, and replacement blackberry from the blackberry phone dropping in the toilet in December (on significant day) die. Dead. All of them.  Creepy. NONE of it was tied to the work done around my house or to each other.  Bitch slap upside the head by the universe. “Stay home. Solitude is where it’s at.  Quit trying to fill up by reaching out. Lean on yourself. It’s all there.  You know this sista, why you no listen?”  Bloody hell, Universe. Fine. Not only will I stay home, but I’ll be home with NO NONE NO NONE connection to the outside world. BOOM.   

Damn it. It’s a friend’s birthday. No. Must not go out. Universe says NO! Other friend comes over. YES, you must go. UGH. No! don’twannadontmakemegouniversesaysstayhomemuststayhomeokayfinei’llgoihavereallycooljeansiwannawearanyway.  So, yup. I left the house.  And, the Universe had lovely things to say.  Including, those are cool fn jeans! Are those your underwear? No, just lace fashionably piped at the top…..

Enter HAPPY UNIVERSE story!!  Remember Happy Party Extravaganza (HPE) 2011 from last blog? Well, Ms. Universe really wants this to happen.  Two weeks ago I told you that there were soooo many serendipitous things that were happening that it would take too many pages.  Well, now that seems like the Universe was whispering. Now she’s shouting and punching me (love punches this time).  The things I’m about to tell you pretty much have fallen in my lap.  No joke.  Firstly, I’m hooked up with the Man & Woman of the Year Campaign through the Luekemia/Lymphoma Society (LLS).  I’m not running for Woman of the Year, but am on the committee for a colleague of mine, Theresa, who is running. It’s a time limited fundraising campaign.  Built in is a lot of publicity and resources through LLS.  Theresa is going with my happy live music idea as are several other people that are working on this campaign.  There are marketing opportunities including web, audio, and tv being handing to us.  Because of the time limit on this fundraising campaign, HPE needs to be earlier than I would’ve wanted, but could possibly result in an appearance by a BIG name-a man who has aged amazingly well……dreaming….oh, I digress.  But, before we get to that, let me tell you that even if we don’t get him, we are going to have an AMAZING line up!! Rewind to the fun cool jeans evening….after a lovely dinner, friends and I saunter in to Star Bar.  Who’s playing? Chris Ranallo and his beautiful band members.  Chris Ranallo has a very successful local band called the Decoys and he happens to be the ex-husband of the mother of my new born niece! Who happens to be the mother of Austin, 14 year old Luekemia survivor, who happens to be wrapping up his 2-years worth of treatments this May!! Of course they’ll play the show!

 



Yours truly, Iowa Jam, Des Moines, IA 5/19/1987.
How much do you want JBJ to come to Happy Party?? Thiiiissss Much!!!!



COFFEE Mates, the story could end here and I would be thrilled.  But no, it does not.  While I was schmoozing and connecting during the kickoff event of the LLS M&W of the year, my partner in crime, Theresa, was doing the same.  At the end of the night, we got together again…both of us all atwitter, I spill my news, and she says, well, the Nadas are in! SHUT THE F*(K UP! The NADAS? You mean one of the most famous Iowa bands currently playing? You mean the NADAS who opened for Bon Jovi in 2005 at Wells Fargo Arena???? You mean Bon Jovi?  The band I saw in 1987 at the Iowa Jam…..what was that song they did for one of their encore songs????   Ummmmm…..let me see….I think it was DRIFT AWAY!! The reason I fell in love with that song! (I put Dobie Gray’s version in last time’s blog because it’s 4 minutes shorter than Bon Jovi’s from 1987 (which you CAN find on YouTube)).  Do you mean Bon Jovi who I saw in 2005 and 2007 with my fellow class of 1987 sistas and COMPLETELY rekindled those friendships- invaluable angels that were there for me when fighting Lymphoma.  That Bon Jovi???  Waaaaaiiiiiiitttttt a gosh darn minute!!! Isn’t Bon Jovi going to be here in May sometime?? Hold on, let me check….. OMG! They’re here on Thursday, May 12 and not performing again until Saturday, May 14 in Atlanta.  That decides it.  HPE 2011 will be on Friday the 13^th (think of the beautiful juxtaposition and possible marketing strategies!) and Jon Bon Jovi is going to come and sing Drift Away. To me.




Jon, Show us how much you want to come to Des Moines for HPE 2011!! THIIIIISSSS MUCH!!

 

Pick us! Look how HAPPY we are!!!!





Jon!-How sexy do you think Holly is? Ok! And, how much do you want to sing Drift Away at her HPE 2011???



I really have great lips and have aged gracefully. I really want to be part of HPE 2011.

There aren't many things happier than maracas, right???

COFFEE Mates start thinking about travel plans.  I know it’s not a long weekend, but taking time off work to be happy is WHERE IT’S AT!!  We’re thinking of having a COFFEE Beans booth where we share the first phase of the project and KICK OFF the second phase.  Also, I’m hoping some COFFEE talent will be up on Simon Estes stage…….spreading our COFFEE LUV!!

Give me the beat boys, and free my soul (Holly)

What is my COFFEE project and why am I doing it? Let me just revisit this a minute.  I decided to do the Artist’s Way 12-week course.  Why? The short answer is to feel more alive. To embrace life. To live with intention. Creativity through spirituality.  Tap into the hidden Holly? Who is she? What does she want to do? What is she capable of? What is that potential all those teachers talked about, why didn’t I live up to it before, and is it possible to find it and live up to it now? 

Well, I’ll tell you.  I’m still stuck on Chapter 7.  I've been on chapter 7 for at least 4-6 weeks! No artist’s date since my snowy meditation in the kids’ fort.  Only my morning pages. (Yes, we’re friends again).  In my last blog, I wrote about wondering what my owls had been up to.  I hadn’t heard from them in quite awhile, especially compared to how hard they were pounding me there for awhile.  I also hadn’t really had any serendipitous or synchronicities occur in quite awhile.  In Artist’s Way, this question is asked at the end of every chapter.  Well, I was just sure that I was being punished by the universe for not continuing the AW course.  “No OWLS FOR YOU” (Said like the soup natzi from Seinfeld). 

One night I had a dream.  In my dream, it was spring and I was sleeping in a day bed under some weird lean-to by a river.  As it became dawn, a bald eagle soared by soooo close.  It was breathtaking! Then, amazingly!!! It came into the lean-to area and sat.  He looked at me with strength and confidence.  He stayed for at least a full minute.  In my dream, I was sooooo appreciative of the eagle visit, but also yearned for my owls.  I didn’t need to yearn long.  The biggest owl I had ever seen flew right in the lean-to area and sat right beside me.  She was white.  She looked at me with gentleness and love. Like Crusoe’s love for Angus in the Water Horse.   I think she stayed with me at least 5 minutes.  When I awoke, I felt much more at peace than the day before. 

What about the synchronicity? I hadn’t had any type of serendipitous occurrences in quite some time.  More punishment from the Universe? No, Artist's Way? "No serendipity for you!!" (Soup Nazi voice again). Well, you guessed it. I wouldn’t have to wait much longer for that either.  On Saturday night, I was introduced to the woman who just moved into the house I lived in 5 years ago.  I lived there for 3 years. It was where I was living when Owen was born. It was where I was living when I almost died giving birth to Owen.  There were so many things I’d loved about that house.  I asked her if I could see the inside and we promptly went over.  Her decorating style is unique and creative.  She doesn’t work outside of the home and I was jealous of the time she has to do creative home beautification projects.  I was also feeling very inspired to continue making my home beautiful and unique.  Then, I noticed we had a wall hanging in common.  It’s not a mass produced piece, so I was quite surprised. 

Wall hanging in common with my new friend.

I was having a lot of flash backs about the time I spent in the house trying to recover from my near death experience.  We were chatting away and I mentioned that I was in remission from cancer.  She seriously said, “May I ask what kind”.  And, I glibly said sure, and continued to tell her what kind, blah, blah, blah.  She said, oh, that’s what my friend had.  And she started telling me about her friend's diagnosis and subsequent ordeal.  As she was talking, it occurred to me that this girl did not survive. So I asked.  No. She did not.  Twenty-nine fucking years old. Gone. Non-Hodkin’s Lymphoma.  Look up from the sofa and there is her beautiful picture on the wall staring at me.  Beautiful young woman with long brown hair.  1980-2009 it says.  I hugged my new friend and we started to cry.  You may not believe this, but I haven’t cried about Non-Hodkin’s Lymphoma since June 20, the night in the emergency room.  A light-hearted children’s birthday quickly turned into a bizarre slap upside the head by the universe.  I need to think more about what the universe is telling me, but a short version may be something like, "uhhhh....Holly could you take your Lymphoma diagnosis as seriously as your other near death experience. Dumb ass. " (Said like the father in "That 70's Show")

Now we need to talk about the “HAPPY” PARTY EXTRAVAGANZA.   Earlier that week, my friend and I decided we would have a contest on who could make the HAPPIEST mixed CD.  There are rules and judges.  One CD will be called THIS Happy CD and the other THAT Happy CD so judges won’t be biased by who the mix master is.  Well, I love making mixed CD’s and I’m taking this mission very seriously.  When talking about the project, other people started saying, HEY! I want to make a Happy CD! So, then we thought we could have a HAPPY CD tournament with a tournament bracket.

Then, we thought, Hey! Let’s have a HAPPY party where we play all the HAPPY CD’s.  We’ll wear the happiest clothes we can come up with and have it be a potluck and bring the HAPPIEST food we can think of.  Then, at young child’s birthday party referenced above, I asked the Grandpa, who is an amazing blues musician living in Branson, MO if he’d come up and play at the HAPPY party.  (Yes, I get the irony.  But, let me tell you…the Blues make me happy.)  Then, I was like, well, hell, I know quite a few musicians.  Maybe we should have them ALL come and sing ANYTHING, cuz live music is just EFFIN HAPPY!!  Then, it occurred to me that it should be a fundraiser for the Luekemia/Lymphoma Society.  I know so many people who have suffered from either Luekemia or Lymphoma as well as some kick ass connections to pull this puppy off.  There is tons of serendipitous shit happening since I gave birth to this idea that it would take another 500 words to tell you about it all.  One thing is that I just so happen to have a coffee date scheduled with a friend of mine this coming Friday who does this kind of planning for a living.  Currently, here’s my vision:  A two day Woodstock-esque extravaganza complete with music, tents, peace, love, and happiness. 

COFFEE chics unite and start planning your trip to Des Moines.  Bring your creative talents and instruments.

Foot note about Eagles appearing in a dream. I was shocked to have a dream about two Eagles, so had to look it up: Here’s what it the dream interpretation folks say it means: To see an eagle in your dream, symbolizes nobility, pride, fierceness, freedom, superiority, courage, and powerful intellectual ability. It also represents self-renewal and your connection with your spirituality. You will struggle fiercely and courageously to realize your highest ambitions and greatest desires.

Stick it where the sun don't shine, MP's!! (Holly)

On Sunday, I told my morning pages to stick it where the sun don’t shine. Actually, what I said was “eff you morning pages”. Only I used the real F bomb. Essentially, I did this for three consecutive pages. Only to be interspersed with “Eff you so and so (anybody who I felt had “done me wrong” in the last 15 months or so)”.  My rant was only interrupted by the occasional lucid and conscientious “I really need to pay bills and go to COSTCO today”.  So, yeah…."eff you morning pages" and "eff you so and so" (fill in the blank with any one of about five or six people).  Then I saw a bunny rabbit hop by in the newly fallen snow, and I thought about the CNN news article about the Owl attacking the Chihuahua. 

http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/01/19/illinois.dog.attacked/index.html

Ummmm…..I think maybe I’ve finally arrived at the “Anger” stage.  Maybe I’m sick and tired of having empathy for others. Well, at least today. Okay, this week.  So, what does it mean that I’m in the anger stage? I don’t know. I’m too angry.  I hate being angry.  I’m really an optimist at heart. No, I’m not. I’m a realist who would prefer to be happy. Unfortunately, reality is not always all that pretty.  So, maybe anger is okay?  Well, it’s okay if we don’t stuff it and let it get pent up.  The only way is through, Sugar.  Right, P? That’s why I succumbed and even wrote those damn morning pages.  I didn’t write them most of the past week.  I was sick and tired of hearing myself drone on.  I didn’t want to hear what I had to say. So, I shut the hell up.  Clever girl that I am, I knew I couldn’t stay in this pissy mood, so out came the morning pages-even though I knew what they were in for, that I was going to abuse them.  I had thought about all the different ways I could abuse my morning pages the 20 minutes before I crawled out of bed.  My beloved pages took the beating with style and grace.  At least they’re getting some attention….unlike my “required” Artist’s Date.  Or, the Artist’s Way chapters for that matter.  Or the extra credit tasks. Yeah, right. 

So let’s talk about the Artist’s Date- I haven’t gone on an artist date one single time since I started Artist’s Way this time around.  Ironically, while I was in my blissful denial and oblivion about my artist’s date, I opened up the book I got my hair chopping quotes out of to read the daily meditation for February 1^st and you know what it was about???? I should take myself on a “creative outing” it said.  On and on about what that could be and that I should carve out the time and go by myself.  What? Is it a conspiracy?? This chick did the Artist’s Way, I bet!! She goes on about how hard “creative outings” are to do, but oh, so important.  Ugh!! Can’t I just not do it and say I did?? What is my problem here? Why should it be so difficult? Can I blame the winter? The snowstorm? My crappy minivan with crappy tires? How about my crazy long and hilly driveway on a cliff?

Mine's the hilly, snowy one on the left.

Surely anyone who’s had to deal with my driveway in the winter would write me a note to be excused from any activity I want to be excused from, right?  Well here’s what happened on Sunday a few hours after I told my morning pages where to stick it.  It had snowed (again) the night before so my iPod and I went out to shovel.  Having gotten about 150 “fuck you’s” out of my system, I was feeling pretty groovy.  I was getting a workout in, listening to some good tunes, and having a pretty productive day. 

View from the garage.

I was almost done, getting a little tired, and was sweating in my ski jacket, waterproof mittens, and prAna hat.  I looked up from the packed snow I was trying to break into pieces and noticed that it had started to snow.  It was truly beautiful. I thought, hmmmmm……I could just lay down right here, right now, in the middle of the driveway and let the snow fall on my face.  How peaceful would that be? Instead, I decided to go to the kids’ swing set and get up in the little fort area at the top of the slide.  I made a snow pillow and lay down for a half an hour.  I let the snow fall on my face. I thought about the spring and my hostas and other perennials poking up.  I thought about the song birds in my yard and resolved to feed them when I got up.  I wondered what my Owls have been up to. I breathed. And then, I breathed again. Deeply. I felt better.

Designing a retreat for a complete chicken shit (Holly)

After the triple axis of evil that was HY2010, I wanted to go to Guatemala again like I did in January 2009 for a yoga and meditation retreat.  It was wonderful.  Scrumptious, fresh, whole vegetarian food at every meal.  Natural beauty (it was at Lake Atitlan-a rather large lake surrounded by 3 volcanoes).  Meditation and self inquiry. Skilled instruction on therapeutic yoga. Every day. For seven days. One of the only vacations I’ve ever been on where I came home more rested than when I went.  So, why wouldn’t I want to do it again? Did I mention that the cost is actually very very reasonable? It is. Unfortunately, the airfare right now-not so much.  So, I’m using my air miles to go to Durango, Colorado instead. By myself.  My original thought was that I would just recreate Guatemala in the beautiful Four Corners region.  Then panic set in.  WTF was I thinking????? There will be no group, no instructors, and all sorts of temptations to indulge in distractions. Not to mention, I could get really really lonely. It’s SOOOO NOT THE SAME!!

Alright, Holly. Get a grip.  Let me tell you about DISTRACTIONS. One of the first exercises we did when we were in Guatemala during a self-inquiry session was to talk about our “distractions”. What did our teachers mean by this? They wanted us to think about things that we did to avoid. Avoid feeling. Avoid doing. Avoid whatever. Avoid growing.  These could be things like excessive use of internet, facebook?!, television, drinking, drugs, sex. Even seemingly healthy behaviors can be distractions…over exercising and reading! Hmmmmm….I had not ever thought about these things in quite this way.  We got into pairs and were to share with each other what our major (and minor) distractions were.  The lady I was with avoided being close to her husband by moving out. Ha! She stayed married, just got her own apartment.

So, guess what….this spiritual growth and creativity blossoming thing is going pretty well, for the most part. But like what seems to be the theme for us COFFEE chicks the last couple weeks, I’m in a bit of a slump. My slumps are different than before. Until last March, I was not familiar with anxiety. I didn’t get it. Depression and disassociation I could understand. Not anxiety. Anxiety seems to make pain and loneliness worse.  Maybe more intense. Well, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a different side of the same coin.  Pema Chodoron says,

“…disappointment, embarrassment, and all these places where we just cannot feel good are a sort of death.  We’ve just lost our ground completely; we are unable to hold it together and feel that we’re on top of things. Rather than realizing it takes death for there to be birth, we just fight against death.

Reaching our limit is not some kind of punishment. It’s actually a sign of health that, when we meet the place where we are about to die, we feel fear and trembling. A further sign of health is that we don’t become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it’s time to stop struggling and look directly at what’s threatening us. Things like disappointment and anxiety are messengers telling us that we’re about to go into unknown territory.”

So, it seems it’s pretty much human nature to run away from fear and discomfort.  And, that’s the advice we usually get. “Sweeten it up, smooth it over, take a pill, or distract ourselves, but by all means make it go away” (Chodron).  I’m trying very hard to learn from my wonky feelings….try not to “distract” myself from them….go toward them and learn what they’re REALLY trying to tell me. Just like everyone else, I’ve only got one life, so why waste a bunch of time fooling around with mind numbing activities that only lead to living in a haze. Numbed out haze. Nah….that’s why I’m doing artist’s way, right? To wake up! To live a more awake, spiritual, and meaningful life. Laugh more, love more, be authentic.  At least I should try to do this on my “retreat”, right???? Ok, please humor me with reading one more apropos Pema Chodron quote…

“To stay with that shakiness-to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge-that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic-this is the spiritual path.”

 

So…that’s the plan. That’s the goal.  Now, my “retreat” in Durango. I think I’m going to give my friend my crackberry at the airport. I will not bring my computer, and I’m really going to have to think about even my iPod.  No TV and no borrowing someone else’s computer. No novels. I will bring the Artist’s Way and a couple of my writing books.  I will go on daily hikes and do yoga at the studio in town every day.  Oh, and maybe a massage or two.  I will schedule it in advance so that I’m not worrying about what to do everyday. I already looked up the yoga schedule.  The little studio apartment I’m renting is walking distance to hiking trails and downtown. It's decorating style was described as Cowboy Zen. Smile. And, it has a Japanese bath tub. Cool!

I am also reevaluating my Artist’s Way schedule as I’m falling way behind.  I’m still doing my morning pages about 75% of the time, and I’ve read a chapter.  I remember it being good, but I didn’t write about it so I can’t even tell you what it was about.  I have not done any of the optional exercises and NO ARTIST’S DATES. Artist’s dates are the one other thing that is supposed to be non-negotiable in the course. So here’s the plan:

I think I will start doing one chapter every two weeks. With our new posting schedule, I think that’s reasonable and works out fab!

1) Do 75% of morning pages;

2) One Artist Date

3) Read the Chapter, do all exercises IN the chapter

4) Do at least 50% of the tasks at the END of the chapter. 

Please give me advice on how to make this mini retreat the best it can be. I’m going from April 22-26. It’s Easter weekend. Didn’t realize that until way after I booked it.

So, my dear COFFEE friends, thanks for sticking with me through the creative juicy times as well as the anxiety ridden dessert of doom and gloom. It’s 5:30 am in Iowa and I’m going to get this puppy posted and catch up on some COFFEE reading instead of doing my morning pages. I’ve written enough in the last 24 hours right?

Boom.

Wabi Sabi and the Astrological Cat Lady (Holly)

Setting the tone-yo!

Quotes and clichés from the last couple of weeks:

Where there’s a will there’s a way.

Children need slow to grow (hey, guess what? So do adults!)

Relapse is part of recovery………

Or is it Recovery is part of Relapse? Think about it……now play it over in your head again…

Sometimes you have to be out of balance to achieve balance.

First writing since the winter solstice for me. And, yes. The days are getting brighter, both figuratively and literally.  I’m still doing the Artist’s Way, but not nearly as diligently as I was in the beginning.  I have been doing my morning pages about 75% of the time and still suck rocks at the Artist’s dates and the extra tasks.  I feel a bit guilty about these things, but not too bad as I have evidence that I actually am becoming more creative. In addition, I feel like I am living a more authentic life.  Consequently, I am happier and have a renewed energy. One might even say zest.

Holidays- I took the advice I doled out on the winter solstice. I slowed down and enjoyed my friends and family.  It was my first year divorced and the holidays could have been crap. But no.  My family and friends, both old and new, came through. I had fun. I laughed a lot and cried a little.  I loved and I felt loved. It was genuine, good stuff. It’s what life is all about. Full stop.

Alive- I’m alive and I’m going to stay alive. And, I feel more alive than I remember feeling.  Besides the friends and family mentioned above, a lot of this has to do with music.  My life changed last year when I received my first ever iPod and the corresponding iTunes.  Since then I’ve been introduced to a lot of new music, seen a lot of live shows, and dabbled a bit in writing songs! (much to my complete surprise, amazement, and chagrin).  It all started with Truck Driver’s Daughter last March, then The Flood in July. In December I wrote two! I ain’t gonna beg and Owl and Hedgehog. January I wrote Back Road Boy.  They’re all kinda different from each other, but I kinda like them all.  I have no idea what I’m going to do with them.  I don’t play an instrument and I can’t sing.  No, I mean, I REALLY can NOT sing.  But, I’m trying to remember the line from the Artist’s Way book….I’m to take care of the quantity and god will take care of the quality.  I feel like if I feel like writing songs, which on the surface seems nonsensical to me, I should do it.  The answer of what to do with them will come later. Yup.

Bucket List- Somebody asked me in August if I had updated or created a “bucket list” as a result of having cancer.  I stupidly stammered and said, uhhhh….no. I guess not.  Well, in retrospect, I was too much in the thick of it then….intense chemotherapy, newly divorced, etc….I was not thinking clearly enough for a bucket list. I was in survival mode.  Now, however, I’m ready to create a bucket list of sorts.  It’s going to tie in nicely with Artist’s Way and cleansing.  What I’m going to do is set short, long, and lifetime goals. With SMART goals. (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time bound). In several different areas of my life. I’ve never done this before.  Areas will be things like career, financial, education, family, artistic, attitude, physical, pleasure, public service, and spiritual. There will be backpacking in Utah and learning Spanish involved.

Owls, Hedgehogs, Wabi Sabi, and the astrological Cat Lady-  I can’t tell you how tempted I was to name this blog something to do with Owls and synchronicity.  Again. I’m telling you! This shit won’t stop! Just when I forget about it, something happens again! It’s freaky, creepy, and well, a little bit amazingly beautiful.  Just one example…..when driving home from work on New Years Eve day, the streets were quiet as nobody else was foolish enough to be working on this particular holiday day.  The air was cold, it was overcast, and the earth was brown. I had my grant on my mind and a little bit how much last New Years sucked.   Suddenly, a very large bird flew from one side of the street I live on to the other-low and right in front of my car.  You guessed it. An Owl.  I had actually never seen a real life Owl. And there she was. It was stunning.  Is it god or the universe guiding me? Nudging me? Slapping me? Or is it that “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear”.  I have to say, I always took that saying a little bit more literally. Like a human teacher would appear, like in robes or a snazzy suit.

For Christmas I received a lot of things to help with writing.  I didn’t necessarily ask for any of these things. Through doing the artist’s way, I’ve mused about what my creative outlet will be. Well, based on synchronicity, I’m going to start with working through some of my writing gifts. 

Implosion of Gratitude

I can’t stop thinking and feeling so grateful. I sometimes feel completely overwhelmed with gratitude.  On the surface, this sounds lovely, right? Well, it’s actually a problem.  My gratitude is so powerful that I am moved to inaction.  There are so many things and people that I want to honor for how they’ve touched my life and for what they’ve given me that I am moved to complete inaction. It’s embarrassing and it’s bullshit. And, really unacceptable.  I simply must come up with a plan on how to remedy the situation. Ok, well, I have a plan. I need to effing make it happen. And, learn how to show my genuine gratitude more often and as it happens.

So, ladies, my friends……it’s 5 am and I’m drinking COFFEE and writing this.  The COFFEE is warm and delicious and I’m savoring it.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude for YOU ALL. I’m grateful for the time anyone spends reading my musings and even more grateful for the feedback received. It always moves me and means so much.  I wish I could do more to show my appreciation. Like pay everyone’s travel to Des Moines for a vision board party…but alas, my words will have to do for today.

Rock on and make today your bitch!