Clarity or Carpal Tunnel? (Becky)

I signed up for NaNoWriMo last night, about two hours before the November 1st kickoff, which is also about the same time I chose my COFFEE project. And I chose my project just a few hours before I was scheduled to post my first blog. So I need the pressure of a deadline to get anything done. Why is that? Maybe this is one of the many things about myself that I’ll explore in my 50,000 word novel. So to back up a little, NaNoWriMo is National Novel Writing Month. All I have to do is write 50,000 words in the month of November. 50,000 words that somehow hang together to form a “novel” (read memoir) and I win! Here’s the link in case you want the details http://www.nanowrimo.org/

This is a good strategy to help me tackle my fears while still avoiding them. Does that count? You see, if I decided to try and understand my fear of relationships by blogging about my adventures in online dating (fear #1 if you refer to intro page about becky), there exists the potential to be embarrassed and expose myself to the dreaded vulnerability (fear #4). If I chose to do a specific project such as take a painting class or get back into photography; that would require a certain level of decisiveness and commitment (fears #3 and #2, respectively). But signing up for NoNaWriMo was accomplished with little forethought or planning, signing up takes seconds! (Can you tell I’m still in denial about the daily writing?) And since only my keyboard will be privy to my ramblings, I’m won’t be stricken with the same anxiety regarding the inadequacy of my musings as I am when I think about updating my status on facebook (fear #5).

So by avoiding all these fears publically on the blogsite, I will face them head on privately through a sort of forced journaling. Just me and my laptop. And I think I’m ready to be vulnerable in front of my laptop. Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, for a brief moment, I was a writer. And that’s the end of that story. For some reason, I stopped writing. Then I stopped feeling guilty about not writing, and eventually I stopped even thinking about writing. But I do remember that writing had a way of making things seem clearer and truer. Writing unravels complexities, helps to illuminate contradictions and inconsistencies, helps me to sort out where I stand and what I think. So I will write 1,667 words everyday for 30 days (give or take).

By writing a 50,000 word novel in one month, I will regain my creative confidence, start posting fabulous facebook updates and comments, figure out what’s behind my fear of commitment and relationships and teach myself to make clear cut decisions without wavering or second guessing! I will gain insight into who I’ve become and where I’m going. Through quantity over quality, by resisting the temptation to edit, by writing in sheer volume, the answers to my deepest questions will be revealed and will guide me towards a lifetime of happiness and fulfillment! Or maybe I’ll just get carpal tunnel syndrome.