What a tool. v-log #2 (Patresa)

I haven't done much the past 10 days (anything I did, I basically pulled out here at the end); but I don't feel too bad about it. I'm not going to shoot any middle fingers. I haven't even been swearing too much. I just decided I needed to "rest."

Here is V-log #2. You may need to turn the sound up or put in headphones, because I was practically whispering. Chris was in the next room, and I feared his ridicule. Really, talking to your laptop is not normal behavior.

Guitar practice time = 4 hours or so. A guesstimation (I've been very unstructured.).

Narrative evidence of progress: I didn't swear very much, and I made helpful observations (see below).

New Song Development: Yes! Today, as a matter of fact. I scratched out the beginnings of The Messenger, and you can see it in the v-log.

Cover Song Development: No. 

Helpful Observations: My frustrations are less about a skill deficit and more about feeling like I have no flow. I rely on this flow for nearly every area of my life. It kind of feels like channeling spirits, and it helps me feel peaceful about tasks. 

When I try too hard, things don't happen. Or they do, but they're clumsy and untrue. Sometimes I sit down to write, and I realize I'm trying too hard to compose. It's not coming easily; it's not enjoyable; and I misrepresent the things in my head. When I feel this happening, I stop and follow these steps:

1. open a new, fresh, blank document

2. inhale, exhale

3. then, depending on my mood I say one of 2 things:

            a. What do you want to say, dear? (Question directed to self.)

            b. What would you like me to say? (Question directed to God, Guides, and The Universe.)

4. write simply and directly.

I can't think of a single time this didn't work. I even do it at work when I'm writing things like quarterly summaries and Quality Assurance plans. "What do you want to say, dear?" Maybe I got that from The Artist's Way; I don't remember. But I do believe that there is universal "material," and that when we are  clear and open, we become vessels for whatever material/product/message needs to be shared. (Which is also why I think that there is really no excuse for arrogance when it comes to art and expression--or ever, actually. You like my words? You like my painting? You like my song? You like what I'm doing here? Cool. It's not really me, though. Kind of like when people compliment me on my name. Awesome. I love it, too. I'll tell my parents.) In this respect, we're all tools.

So, this happens when I write. I can channel.

I can do it with how I interact with people, too. When my mind isn't quiet, and I know that I'm being called on for something important--handling conflict, being supportive, offering solutions--I will stop and take a moment (in my head) and say, "Who do you need me to be right now?" And then, my brain clears. (The problem is that I don't always think to do this. I need to remember more.)

I hope this doesn't make me sound crazy.

Anyway, the point is that I rely a lot on this natural, channeling flow, and with the guitar... it ain't happenin'. When I started this last round, I realized I was trying too hard, so I stopped. Put the guitar away. And focused on something else to reconnect with my flow. I pulled out a canvas and some oil paints and played.

What's nice about painting (for me), is that I genuinely don't care what I produce. It is one of very few things in my life where I truly have not a single expectation for myself. Seriously! (Sometimes I say things like that, and in the back of my head, I am thinking something totally contradictory. But in this case…nope. All of my parts are in agreement.) I am not a painter. I do not aspire to excellence. No piece of my identity is wrapped into what comes out on the canvas. So I play. I like color. I like the smell of paint. I like experimenting with brushes. When I fudge a line, I just shrug and say, "Huh. I guess I'll go that way, then." It's like a road trip with no map, no destination, no annoying passengers, and no schedule. I don't swear when I paint, because I don't get frustrated. For someone like me, who spends 95% of her day spring-loaded and hiding from her imperfections… this is a powerful reprieve. (Writing this has just clarified that I need to paint more often.)

So… Goals...


COFFEE is taking a break and then altering the posting schedule a bit. We'll be breaking Dec. 25-Jan 2. Starting January 3, we'll each post every 2 weeks (with a few little breaks in the middle and at the end of a round). So… 

Goals for the next 19 days:

1. Create a more complete version of The Messenger (see v-log).

2. Figure out at least the verse for No One is to Blame. (Will this to-do item ever go away?)

3. Make a list of all the positive things to be gained from this experience. (I forgot to do this.)

4. 10 hours of practice.

5. Attend an open mic. Note: I did not say PLAY at an open mic. I said "attend." I should start scouting these things to see how they work. Like a shark circling a wounded pelican. I'm the shark. The nameless audience is the wounded pelican. Watch out.