Kill all of the Mice (Holly)

About a week or so ago, I dreamt there were about 20 mice chewing on my pant legs. It was freaky.  I wondered why the hell I would dream about mice and decided it must be significant, so I looked it up.  Here’s what it said,

“To see mice in your dream, indicates that you are spending too much time dwelling on minor problems and insignificant matters and may suggest that someone is trying to bring down your self-confidence. Someone may be nipping away at your resources.  Mice can also symbolize minor irritations and annoyances. Perhaps you are letting petty problems or insignificant issues eat away at you.”

COFFEE mates, it seems a little sacrilege to write about these mice when I have so much other Let’s Get Happy! Festival news for you.  The Universe has been extremely kind to me since I last wrote and the Happy! Fest is going strong!  However, tonight, I’m home alone…feeling a little sad and lonely from killing one of the mice earlier today.  It had to be done, but it’s still sad.  Tomorrow, after a good night’s sleep, I’m sure I’ll be fresh and good as new- and glad to have the mouse dead. 

Here’s what I’ve learned in the last three weeks- having a rewarding, yet demanding, full time job, 2 kids 50% of the time, solo parenting in general, and planning a kick butt all day musical benefit, is a shit ton of work.  It requires excellent time management, energy, and drive.  There is no time for “minor irritations and annoyances”. And, guess what? I do often let them eat away at me.  I spend way too much time trying to figure shit out. Sometimes, a lot of times, it just doesn’t matter. More importantly, all the time and energy used to fuss about insignificant issues could be used for what should be prioritized in my life. Like Artist’s Way, COFFEE Blogging, a meaningful job, my children, and earning money for an organization that probably saved my life.  (HAPPY! FEST)  I need to be Mark in this Love Actually clip.

So there you go. Enough. Enough now.  Holly is moving on to bigger and better things.  Going to live up to my “potential” and more.  One of my greatest joys in life has been to learn about other people and see things from their perspective.  I gathered new experiences and perspectives like a starving woman.  I went to college, I moved to Denver by myself, and I went to Europe five times, visiting most of the countries, some more than once. I’ve slept on a park bench in Paris, cried at Auschwitz, and smoked up in Amsterdam.  I’ve skinny dipped on the Italian Riveria and crashed a moped on the Amalfi Coast.  I met my first husband in a youth hostel in Zakopane, Poland and then racked up a $1200 phone bill calling him as I traveled solo on the fjords of Norway.  I hitchhiked from London to Dublin, once in the pouring rain.  This is when I learned to say that I need a lift, not a ride. I spent a hot day in Rome with only enough money to buy a loaf of bread to spread the peanut butter I brought from home.  I showed up in Malta with no money and no place to stay.  Two weeks later a Maltese woman was shoving Valium down my throat after I got the call that my dad was dead.   I’ve been to two countries in South America, hiking the Inca trail to Machu Pichu in one and adopting my son as well as doing a yoga and meditation retreat in the other.  I’ve been to at least four cities in Mexico and five countries in the Caribbean.  

I told Sam (my ex-husband) that I was lonely a couple months ago and he asked what my definition of loneliness was as it seemed to him I have people around me constantly.  It took me awhile to respond (this was all through text).  Finally, I said that loneliness to me is not having anybody that gives a shit about your day to day life, the little things, the big things.  That day there was a ½ inch of snow covering the back hoe, the dirt piles, the 8 foot hole in the ground, and the remnants of my deck (some scattered across the yard and some still attached to the house).  The birds were happy.  In one swoop of the eye I could see a white-breasted nuthatch, chickadees, both male and female cardinal, and a red-bellied woodpecker.  Though I appreciate what’s going on at my house, I felt like saying to someone, “Look at this mess! Look at those birds!” 

Yes, I have a lot of friends. Real friends.  Angels really.  Nothing is the same, though, as an intimate relationship with a lover.  So, though I will always want to gather more experiences and perspectives, right now, deepening my life is what is important to me. Right now, I’m most interested in quality. Not quantity. All of the things that I mentioned that I’ve done, I essentially did them alone.  It was great and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  I would love to explore the world around me, both near and far, with someone else this time.  Someone I love and who loves me.  Until that happens, I will attempt to focus my energies on adding depth to the life I have now. 

I asked the Decision Dice what the next three months of my life would be like.  Here’s the answer:

I’m not sure Lady Luck smiles on anyone who pushes her too hard. But, having said that, it might be worth a go. Try demanding whatever it is you want. Stand in a field at dawn and scream your demands to the universe. So what if there isn’t anyone there to listen. I bet you get results. But you have to make the first move. The universe has to know what it is you want. Be wild and impulsive. Dare to dream. Have the guts to push your luck. If you dare, you’ll be embarking on a new path in life – one that’s permanent.  All you have to do is make whatever it is you want, known.

Bring it! Better go work on that Bon Jovi proposal:) 
Oh, and any mice?? Beware!