whole foods dancers are odd, but i bet they're no slackers. (amy)

Before I begin my official post, let me say: Happy Mother's Day (and as I type this: Happy Mother's Evening)! I hope all moms (to small humans and growing humans, dogs and/or cats and/or other pets who totally count, too), daughters of mothers, sisters and brothers of mothers, husbands of mothers, sons of mothers, and everyone in between either got to be honored or do some honoring today. Moms are so good. They can really bring out the neuroses in you (I know I like to do this, particularly during bath/bedtime), but they are so vital to the world. Ditto dads (you're up next).

On to my post:

I am late! I am late. With this post, among other things. My life, starting with the CRCT (Georgia's version of end-of-year high stakes testing), just kind of went: KABOOM. Here's how bad it's been (you are going to laugh and LAUGH--I did): remember that April 30th 5K, the run for water one? The one I've been semi-training for (in a very wax on/wax off kind of non-committal way) since beginning my COFFEE project nigh these 6 months ago? The one that, about 3 months ago, I went on and on about, proclaiming things like: "This is IT! This is the ONE, everybody. I'm in! I'm committed and there's no going back now. Booyah!"

Yes, that one.

That race was to begin at, like, 7:30 AM or something on Saturday, April 30. Guess where I was at 7:30 AM on Saturday, April 30? In bed, totally asleep. Blissfully unaware it was April 30 and I was supposed to be in Johns Creek, GA at that moment speed walking my behind off (to an honorable placement of #150 or something not too ambitious). I think I only realized it was THE April 30 around 4:30 that afternoon, in fact.

I would like to officially blame the creators (and passers) of NCLB, the test makers of CRCT, Spring Fever, my inherent laziness, adult onset ADD, and a really poor sleep schedule for this catastrophe. Oh, and the end of April and beginning of May. They deserve honorable mentions as well.

And then? Today, I realized it was THE May 8. This is my COFFEE posting day! And I got nothing! Nothing but news that makes me look like a lazy, shiftless goof-off committment shirker. It's 9:11 PM and I almost forgot to swing by here and let everybody know what a lazy, shiftless goof-off committment shirker I've been.

On the other hand, I was successful at controlling my expletive-laden mouth-offs to other drivers...until this past Friday evening when I was turning into the parking lot to the annual Relay for Life festival, got confused at which lane I was to turn into, and the man in the very large, white pick up truck next to me laid on his horn for a full 5 minutes while proceeding to drive all angry and speeding through the parking lot (nearly mowing down one pedestrian who didn't have her own huge white pick up truck horn to blare).

That person got called a buckin' moe boe, and Melissa heard me call him that and I did not even care. No, not one bit. I guess even cancer survivors and/or their caretakers and/or their supporters are not immune to being buckin' moe boes. And then? After that? I started noticing all the rude people around me on the roadways--the aggressive and angry driving, the laying on of the horns (I think it's fine to toot a polite: "Hey, go--it's your turn, slick" or a surprised: "What the hecking heck are you doing, freakapotamus??" but there is simply no need, no need whatsoever, to lay on your horn for 5 minutes straight because in that moment you're absolutely convinced you're the best driver ever in all the history of drivers...I think that, unless you've never, ever made a stupid move (like picking the wrong lane to turn into) and are just THE exemplary example of how to be a fabulous driver, just can it, Jack. The rest of us don't care to see you and your inflated, angry ego on display all over the roadways--we're all perfectly content at blasting our fellow drivers with our profane, passive agressive epithets, and we think you should be, too.)

So! That's that. On that goal.

Back to April 30. What I DID do: I went to Whole Foods Market for some experimental shopping at Whole Foods. Spent $101.82 on the following:

• 5 organic apples


• a bag of mandarin oranges


• 2 mangoes


• 1 gallon of organic milk


• 1 dozen organic eggs


• 2 boxes of cereal


• 5 Amy's organic burritos


• 1 package of vanilla animal crackers


• 1 cup of organic mozzarella cheese


• 1 package of organic unsalted butter


• a bag of organic chocolate granola.

I decided that--in addition to being unsure my checking account could handle the shock of future Whole Food trips--I just wasn't a big fan of the darker color scheme and narrow aisles that Whole Food seems to love. And also, I like to take my time and read labels, really ponder if I actually want to plunk down that much cash for what's in my hand. The crowd I was shopping with on April 30 didn't really seem to like to do that, and I could tell many of them were really laying on their inner automotive horns so I'd move on. And then, Melissa, overly tired and not really aware of the importance of buying and eating organic, had a 2 1/2 year old meltdown. And then I could really hear other people's horns starting to blare.

On the upside: In the cereal aisle--and I promise I am NOT making this up--I got to watch a man singing in some type of Slavic language do several grandiose ballet jumps at various intervals. To no one in particular, for no real reason. That alone was worth $101.82, and I would love to go back some day (minus a tired 2 year old) just to look for this grocery aisle dancer man again. That type of zany just isn't something I get to see out here regularly in the suburbs.

Still, the Slavic grocery ballet dancer just wasn't quite enough for me to come back and spend hundreds of dollars on a week's worth of food again, so I decided I'd try Trader Joe's and Wal-Mart next. I'm not a big fan of Wal-Mart (unless it's 2 AM and I need a Jerry Springer fix), but I've read good things about Wal-Mart and organics in my sustainable food research (and also, way back when, I remember Tawni also pointed them out as being a surprisingly good source of organic foods). I will report back my experiences with those 2 stores next time (and will take copious, copious notes on all the interesting human specimens I encounter in my shopping adventures).

The writing hasn't happened. Again. Let's talk about something else. Look! There's a tall man behind you! Perfecting plies!

I will let everyone in on my new blog: What the Gac? I seem to like to set up blogs, but not actually write in them. Though I do think I clearly outline in my first (and only current) post to passersby and other potential readers that blog is merely a summer experiment.

So, my goals for next time:

1-Visit Trader Joe's & Wal-Mart. Be on the look out for grocery store dancers.

2-Continue whisper-cussing out other drivers so Melissa can't here me. Unless they're acting like big jerks. And then I think it's okay for children to know: some people are big jerks. And it's okay for us to cuss out big jerks.

3-Try not to be a slacker.

The End.

Oh, and in keeping with my dancer theme (and I apologize for acting like a stage mom--those of you who've been exposed to this on facebook), here's a video of Melissa getting down with a belly dancer at an art festival we went to this weekend (I would like to note: after watching this show, I seriously (but briefly) considered making belly dancing my next COFFEE challenge...I may still try it. I cannot think of anything more challenging and terrifying than wearing a belly-baring outfit and shaking my hips in front of hundreds of onlookers. My new heroines are the belly dancers in this video) (which clearly may include my child as well, one day) (and I also highly recommend this festival if you are in the Duluth, GA area next year the first weekend in May: Barefoot in the Park. It's not too crowded, but full of artsy types and THIS kind of good stuff: