If I were a dog, I would be hanging my head in shame with my tail between my legs right now. I feel so unworthy to be here. Really, what a schmuck I am for not even having posted/commented on COFFEE lately. I truly love reading ya’lls writing. You guys all intimidate and amaze me with your mad mad writing skillz.
Truth is, I have started countless COFFEE blogs and, as soon as I got to the part where I dig down in the dirt for a bit of honesty, my mind goes on strike and that Janice-like, nagging voice chimes in with “who wants to hear you whine, anyway?” But I skirted my last post and I know that it’s time to face the music.
The last few weeks, my brain feels like big bowl of alphabet soup. Fragments of thoughts... incomplete insinuations of ideas... mists of insight dissipating before my eyes... all disconnected and swirling in a broth of indecision and anxiousness. Why? I’m not really sure. I just lost my footing somewhere along the way and am having the hardest time finding it again.
Maybe it was the pressure of 2011 and the idea that I should have some inkling of a plan for it... Or maybe it’s the fact that a few dozen wrenches have been thrown into my original plans over the past couple years/months. (Yes, big changes are coming… more on this at a later date).
All I know is that my biggest obstacle right now is trying to picture my future. Trying to...what’s the word...visualize? Those of you that know me know that I’ve worked at this music thing for a long time. I’ve literally arranged my life around it. I used to know exactly where I wanted to be. But lately, I just feel lost.
I’m officially disillusioned with the music industry. I’m officially disillusioned with myself.
The accumulation of disappointments has caught up with me and is holding me down like bullies in a schoolyard. Lately, I feel like my fear is this hardened wall of plaque that’s built itself around me over time, protecting me/enslaving me. I feel literally immobilized by it at times. I know, intellectually that it’s ridiculous to let fear hold me hostage. If I was giving myself advice, I’d slip into my best Cher impression and say “Snap out of it!”, but even Cher can’t penetrate the plaque.
Have I lost anyone yet?
The last thing I want is for this post to require a violin soundtrack. I don’t mean to sound pitiful or like I’m fishing... I’m actually hoping this is the beginning of some great epiphany... I’m just awaiting the materialization of said epiphany -- something to sink my teeth into - because frankly, I’m well versed in all the philosophical and spiritual renditions of this tune.
Yes, I could set some tangible, detail-oriented goals like “write 3 new songs a week” or “schedule 4 more gigs” or “walk for 1 hour each day”, but that feels gratuitous and empty at this point. Until that proverbial apple clunks me on my head and knocks the funk right out of me, I will live up to my name and wander...
So, for the purpose of COFFEE, (that is, setting goals and doing them) still...I got nothin’. Waa waa waaaaaa.
9 comments:
Oh, my friend. We have all been there. It sounds like you're experiencing some major upheaval and uncertainty. I want to kick the asses of the disappointment bullies holding you down, but I know you are strong enough to do that yourself. I hope you shake them off soon, and take some names while you're at it. Stupid mean old disappointment bullies.
You don't sound pitiful, you sound like a girl going through a transitional period. And I know that when the funk-clunking apple hits you on the head, you're going to take a bit bite of that sucker, and write an amazing song about the experience.
Keep your chin up, Wendy Coffee! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo.
wendy wendy wendy.
i have so much to say here! i hope it comes out in a way that makes sense:
of everyone i have ever known in my whole entire life, you are one of the VERY BEST at getting to the heart and core essence of people and matters. i know you will turn this gift inward.
therefore… although i am so sorry that you feel so unsettled and so disappointed and so lost, i am so unbelievably excited for your REINVENTION. --a word i use only figuratively, because you don't really have to be anything. you just have to be, and then you'll probably be joyful. (a riddle!)
because i know at your very essence to be such a warm, alive, brilliant and beautiful soul, i am so excited to see how you reconnect with the purest part of you and express without the trappings of expectations, agendas, ambitions, definitions. what a weight that has been! what beautiful part of you has been hushed?
i am 100% confident that only good things will come when you figure out how to shake off the business and industry of your expression and get back to core.
and frankly, because you may find such safety & habit in ambitious goal-making and marching orders and diligence, maybe getting quiet and still and learning how to just BE (without label or expectation) is the far scarier and more challenging project for you. in which case, that is perfect for COFFEE.
(in my humble opinion)
oh my lands. i just saw the moonstruck clip, and that made me laugh and laugh. the thought of you doing this.
Wow, Wendy, that is exactly how I feel when I blow off my posts. And you expressed it so well! "Fragments of thoughts... incomplete insinuations of ideas... mists of insight dissipating before my eyes... all disconnected and swirling in a broth of indecision and anxiousness." Sometimes just putting that icky-ness out there takes away some of its power. I hope that's the case for you. And I soooo relate to what you wrote about setting empty goals. That's why I started and stopped a few times on this COFFEE journey. Without the big picture behind the little goals, it means nothing. I love P's stuff about being still and just being and how that can be scary and a coffee project in and of itself. Because that's when you really have to listen to your soul and it's all too easy to distract from that and listen to static and then make empty goals. So sounds like you're on the right track to me!! Keep on keeping on!
Tawni, A transition period... yes, I like that spin! And I may take you up on kicking the bullies' asses... thanks girl.
Patresa, I think you're so right. I have been bound by the trappings of expectations, agendas, etc. etc. for a long time. Not by anyone by myself, at that. You are one wise owl, Lady. And getting quiet and still is brilliant. It's something that I've realized is really hard for me. Because I feel like I'm wasting time. Which is the stupidest thing ever because I habitually waste time as a casualty of my indecision. I love that, BE without label or expectation. Yes, maybe that will be the next challenge for me. Hmm.
Becky, Yes! "you really have to listen to your soul and it's all too easy to distract from that and listen to static and then make empty goals". YES. Listening to the "static". Man, that is so great. So accurate.
Wendy... I have to say that I feel humbled by your post, for real. You have a way of just saying it - exactly like it is, and I respect the h*ll out of that.
I think those of us prone to expression as a way of life get most bogged down when we get in a funk. Our one "thing" gets mucky, and we can't do it. And then we get even more frustrated cuz that's the one thing we should be able to do in our sleep, with both eyes closed, with hands tied behind our backs, w/out assistance of any kind! WHAT THE H? So, I wish I had all kinds of inspirational and/or kick a@@ things to say. I got nothin', dear, 'cept to say this:
WHAT P SAID.
You put the funk out there, and that took guts. Kudos. Know we're all anxiously supporting you and waiting to see what comes from Apple Clunk '11... in the meantime, we're here, and we're behind you 100%, Miss Wendy COFFEE. Much love, chica! Much love.
Sweet Wendy, these are my thoughts on your thoughts:
1-You are a lovely writer and have a nice way with words. And you always spell correctly. And that's nice.
2-My brain feels like swiss cheese lately. I don't know what alphabet soup brain feels like, but I imagine they're very similar. (I've always enjoyed a good grilled cheese sandwich/soup dinner--I think it's good combo). I have no words of wisdom or help for your abc soup brain. But I would hold your hand and sing the song with you, if you needed it. (You would be in tune, creating good harmony. I would not.)
3-Disillusionment is bad psychic plaque. Which is I think you're on the right track for dealing with it, this just staying quiet thing. In fact, I agree with P--staying quiet and waiting for an apple to knock the funk out of you is a most excellent challenge. I'm not sure I could do it (the background music to a movie bio of my life would be whatever's on HGTV or E! Entertainment).
4-In addition to Paula Deen, I also would like Cher to adopt me. Just so I could make her do that "Snap out of it!" line every now and then.
Wendy girl, I would be holding Tawni's coat while she kicked the poop out of those disappointment bullies. Because I think she is in better shape than me, and I mostly slap-fight which is girly and not very effective.
I feel like I know exactly what you mean when you say you are waiting for something to sink your teeth into. When I have only my own voice in my head, no lists, no task-master speaking, the jobs are gone, I feel totally un-moored. Listless and flat. I lead a goal-driven life (pretty much anything except fitness goals, and better eating goals, anyway) that focuses on Things That Need To Be Done. Planning my wedding took a year, and I loved every minute of it, because I didn't have to FIND my new project - there it was! And it was an umbrella project that gave rise to many new little and reachable goals. Now, when there is nothing looming, no timelines and no END point, I am struggling. With most things. Motivation, work, communication, weight loss. You name it, my global response is: meh.
It sounds like some other things have happened that brought on this un-mooring, so I hope they are not too upsetting. But, for what it's worth, I agree with all the comments before me - transitional, yes! Learning to listen in the quiet, yes! Kickin funky ass, yes!! Spelling correctly, yes!!
You got tons going for you Wendy, and you are resilient. This is the lull before the turned corner. Can't wait to see what's around it!
Oh Wendy,
I really did in my head just say "oh Wendy!" Just today, I was driving in our wild and crazy dangerous winter storm all white-knuckled with my hands also shaking due to my limited visibility and the jeep on my ass when low and behold, your song came on next on my i-pod. I also said in my head, "oh thank God...yet another great place to listen to Wendy's music. Yes, this is better. Thanks Wendy Jans." I truly said that in my head, and then I thought, I should tell Wendy this. So..... THEN I read your post, and it feels very appropriate albeit still cheesy wheezy to tell you this.
Anyway, I also just want to say, I think you are a fantastic builder of words, and I think you are an amazing gal. You seem to me to be one of those cool cat people who is kick as with the big stuff, kick ass with the small stuff. And ANY dog would be proud to hang with you or be you!
Cheers Wendy Cher COFFEE. :)
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