I could literally copy and paste the first part of Patresa’s post from yesterday. Middle finger, last ten days, MIDDLE FINGER!!! The most frustrating part of flying the bird in this instance is that I have to direct it mostly in my own general direction. (I actually just smiled as I typed that. P & T, surely you remember Megan saying this: “I fly the bird in your general direction.” Thanks, Megs; I needed that smile today!) It’s so much easier for me to try to fly the bird at the time and the lack of “results” from the last ten days, but the cold, hard truth is that I earned the bird.
I’m almost ashamed to post this, to tell you the truth. My last post was all about how thankful I am for the good stuff in my life – and there’s a LOT of that, and I’m TRULY thankful for all of it. This post… the middle-finger-pointing post… is quite different. Ah, life and ah, me, for allowing life to jack with my head like this… My apologies for the drastic difference in tone, but I think there has to be a reason for the last ten days. There’s gotta be!
Allow me to recap by goal:
1. U 2.0 - It’s been a trying couple of weeks on this front. And as of yesterday, I made some decisions that are going to complicate this even further… more later… If, however, you’re the praying kind, send some up for me. I’m going to need them. (Thanks, in advance!)
2. The Caffeine Kick – The last six days have been an EPIC FAIL in the realm of kicking the caffeine habit! E-P-I-C fail. My youngest came home from Thanksgiving with Dad a very sick little fella. After a visit to Express Care on Sunday, he and I spent the next two days at home, battling a fever, lots of snot, and a nasty cough. Sleep? Um, not so much… Coffee & Diet Cokes? Um, MULTIPLE. The rest of the week was spent playing catch-up at school, including a marathon session of grading Thursday night through Friday morning that came as a result of my famous procrastinating… Caffeine– too many to recall, Me – ZERO.
3. Training for the Half – Um, let me just say that I put in a whopping TWO miles in the last ten days… I did do a couple of ab workouts, but I didn’t go into the gym ONE time or follow my training schedule a single day. And I will not even discuss the amounts or kinds of food consumed over the Thanksgiving weekend. Yeah. Go me.
4. Book project – I made “some” progress on this project, but admittedly I said “some” because I’m choosing to be positive and look at this one glass-half-full. I did do some work on one story, and I’m feeling pretty good about that story. It’s a good one, truly.
5. Pondering studenthood – I didn’t put more than 30 minutes of thought into this decision, but I think my brain needed the break.
6. Co-parenting – I survived a first over Thanksgiving. I survived it. Thanksgiving was the first holiday the kids spent with Dad, away from me. They had a good time, which I’m thankful for, and we all made it. It was gut-wrenchingly awful, though, to hand them over. And for the first time, I had to answer the question I dreaded: “Where are the kids?” My reply: “They’re with their Dad, having a ball, I’m sure.” MIDDLE FINGER without question or hesitation on this one. I doubt I’ll ever get used to this one, but maybe someday I’ll not feel the urge to fly the middle finger every single time. (A girl can hope, right?)
Goals for the next ten days:
1. U 2.0 – I’m going to tackle the devil head-on. You have no idea how literally I mean this. I’m petrified in a way I haven’t been in an extremely long while. HOWEVER, it’s the absolutely right thing to do, and my fear will NOT allow for the rest of my life to be dictated to me. That’s one of the reasons for U 2.0 in the first place, and I will not allow it. WILL NOT ALLOW IT.
2. Caffeine Kickin’ – ONE CUP A DAY. Despite the fact that caffeine made it possible for me to get through last week, it’s time to return to normal. With my new fave creamer (Peppermint Mocha) in the fridge, that’s going to be tough; it’s so dangerously delicious. I will have ONLY one cup per day and will just have to savor it.
3. Training - Tom Holland, P, & T, my apologies, however I WILL return to the program on Monday. I will follow the training schedule you so carefully designed and printed for me. I will eat like I’m fueling a healthy, active body and not like a group of seven depressed teen-aged girls whose boyfriends just dumped them so now they don’t have dates to the Prom. This may require regular infusions of Advil, Beano, and ice packs, but April 17 is approaching rapidly. Besides, the bones held together by the screw in my knee feel every extra OUNCE of weight on my frame, let alone the 2.5-ish pounds I have packed on in the last two weeks! This is going to hurt, but the burn will be so good in the long run. It has to be! It WILL BE, so good.
4. Book project – I’m going to make contact with a couple more sources this week, and I so look forward to hearing their stories. Beyond adding to the chapters of the book, I always feel so empowered, so convicted, so humbled, so encouraged by the women I talk to. These are tremendous women who are a real example, and I could use some of that right now – in a BIG way!
5. Co-parenting – I’m going to stop making comparisons between Dad and Mom. I’m going to start focusing again on making the most of the time I have with these kiddos. I’m going to remember that my example can be just as detrimental as Dad’s can be. I want to have fun with the kids and still teach them what they need to know, just like I always have. That doesn’t have to change, and I have almost allowed it to at times, especially lately. Today, for instance, we’re going to take care of household stuff after church and then go have some fun rocking & rolling at the skating rink for the first time in months! That’s how we always used to do things, how it should be, and how it’s going to be again. I’m looking forward to this!
Middle finger, last ten days. Middle finger, me. Okay, I think I have that out of my system now. It’s time now to re-focus and re-purpose and get back to the business of being ME and living life as it ought to be lived. Wish me luck, send up some prayers, and I wish you a week free of middle fingers!