:: WHY WE BE ::

Boo to false, self-imposed limits, we say. These champion oracles want to live enthusiastically. Follow our trip through projects that challenge, frustrate, and/or scare us. In the end (which is really the middle) we want to live like big bright free and authentically awesome people.

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Monday, January 17, 2011

COFFEE Post 8: I got nada. Maybe tomorrow…(Stephany)

I so want to write something clever or profound this evening, and it just ain’t happenin’. It’s Dad’s night with the kids, so it’s just me, the keyboard, some random show on TV to provide some noise, and Maya, the sweet boxer that I’m foster-parenting for awhile. (See Goal #5)

In light of the fact that I really just feel like getting rip-roaring drunk and going to sleep until, say, Wednesday night when the kids get home, I think I’ll just update you on my COFFEE project goals and call it a day. (I’ll have accomplished another goal in doing that – NOT getting rip-roaring drunk and crashing out until Wed., thank you very much.)

1. U 2.0 – No real updates here, but I would still appreciate your prayers and good mojo vibes… (Thanks!)

2. Training for the Half – Thirteen-ish weeks to go, and I’m starting to get really nervous about this. I have a respiratory “thing” right now, and running HURTS right now. That, and I cough & hack like a 70-year-old man who smokes about 20 packs a day (and has for 5 decades) and wipe snot for hours on end after I run. Plus, I’m really nervous, and my gut gets queasy just thinking about running in a race. So I run with a queasy stomach, a hacking cough, a full-on booger fiesta, and I just want it to be easy, dang it. Ugh. I’m hoping once I’m healthy, I’ll get out of this stupid running rut and get my head out of my butt about this. It will get easier, and I’m going to enjoy this process. I will.

3. Book project – After taking most of the holidays off, I’ve had a hard time getting back into the writing groove. I hate that I voluntarily put the kibosh on things and let the momentum screech to a violent (and stupid) halt. I did have a great conversation with someone who is going to be very important to my project this week, so that has re-lit the fire under my butt.

4. Pondering studenthood – Research continues… I’m getting excited about this. And scared.

5. Co-parenting – I’m in survival mode here, folks. We did okay through the holidays. We did. Now that it’s back to the everyday stuff of life, it’s a little tougher. I miss those kids so much when they’re not with me that it hurts. I wonder what they’re doing, what they’re feeling, how they are. I know they’re fine. I cared for them 99.9999% of the time for their whole lives, and now I have to share. That hurts. The house is quiet, and the quiet hurts. Maybe if I moan about it some more, it won’t hurt anymore. Ya think? Yeah, I know. Not so much…

I know, I said I’d list ‘em and call it a day… and I should. It’s just that I’m trying to be positive about this whole ordeal. I know it’s for the best, and I know the kids need their dad. They’ve needed him for ages and ages. And now they finally have him. On one hand, I’m so happy for them I can hardly take it. On the other, I am so angry that it’s taken THIS for them to get him….. Breathe, Steph. Down, girl… in through the nose, out through the mouth… rinse and repeat…

I just looked at the book I’m reading (a juicy historical romance a student let me borrow) right now. The bookmark I made myself a yellow sticky note) is sticking up out of the top, so I opened it up and read again for about the bazillionth time what’s scratched on it in Sharpie.

“It’s not what you get in life, it’s what you do with it that counts.”

I have no idea where that came from, who said it, or anything; it’s the truth, though. It’s my new mantra, and it’s something I’ve strategically placed through the house, the car, my desk at work, and in my planner. It’s my reminder that I get to choose. And when I’m like I am right now, I really have to help myself remember that I can choose to throw the self-serving (yet destructive) pity party OR I can choose to remember the kids and what they’re getting out of all of this. It’s what I do with all of this that counts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah… maybe tomorrow…


Tanner May (Tanya) said...

I want to say things like "hang in there, Friend" and "I PROMISE it will be better tomorrow," but I won't exactly say those things. I'm thinking about you A LOT, and I am so so sorry this is all so tough. I have no idea what you're going through, but your post shouts loud and clear just how rotten it can be. You are such a good mom and person, and I can only imagine your kids continue to feel so very blessed to have you by their sides while they go through this new journey. And I like your new mantra..... I know what YOU'RE doing with it is amazing.

Hope things get better with the running too. I can't stop myself from saying that you will rock the half. The training is the hardest, and it sounds like being sick has sucked bird feathers for you. I still plan to do this with you Stephany pending I can get over this stinkin' knee injury, but one way or another, I will be cheering you!!!!!! And again, hopefully, you'll be cheering me at the finish line since you'll blow us all away!!

Hugs sister.

Katie said...

Oh Stephy. It is ok to say things are hard. Especially when they really are. I am impressed with and a little jealous of your drive to train despite your snotty nose and booger attacks. I have a cold myself, and used it as permission to let my buns fuse to the couch and eat ice cream all weekend. Not my proudest moment, but reading your post makes me want to go jog around the block with a fanny pack of tissues securely buckled on.

I can't even imagine the kids' scenario. But I can imagine that sharing the nurtering and feeding of small people you have loved since before the day they were born must be wrenching, and creates a brand-new-little-bit-swiss-cheesey normal. It's a brave thing you are doing, to make this easier on them. Not many parents (in my experience) are able to do this with as much maturity as you have shown.

So I think you must be a very strong person. Physically, but also emotionally and mentally. You would totally kick my ass in a cage-fight.

I wish this was less hard. This too shall pass, but in the meantime, make yourself some swiss-cheese sandwiches and buckle on some tissues.

Chin up Stephy-girl. We're with ya.

patresa said...


i bet it does hurt, and i'm sorry. why are transitions always so hard?

well, un-poop to your rational thinking and firmly planted melon. clearly you are going to find the good and make something of it, and i think that's pretty awesome. some would just get bitter.

i totally get your nervousness on the run. 100%. yes. i'm not really a runner, and i've only done a handful of races, and i feel like that every time. and every time i am really amazed at how adrenaline and collective energy and spirit take over en masse. (did i just use "en masse" correctly?)

an t-bop has a knee injury, too???? so do i! i've been off running 3 weeks. but i think it's getting better, and i think i'll be right there with you (or, a couple of miles behind you, rather).

prayers for you, kind person.

T-Free said...

Awwww. Sounds like you've been having a rough lately. I'm really sorry to hear this. I am sending major prayers and good mojo vibes your way. I also hope you get past the respiratory thing quickly, and are back to running painlessly very soon. We have one of those viruses floating about the house right now, and I really don't appreciate it much. Stupid illness.

Yay for re-lit butt fires! Get back to writing! It's going to be great! :)

The co-parenting situation sounds especially rough. I can't even imagine. It sounds like you are staying positive and making it as easy on the kids as possible. Hugs for you, cool lady. Always look eye. xoxo.

amy said...

Well, Stephany friend, you do have a lot on your plate. Between training for a major running race, being sick (and sounding like a 70 year old man), U 2.0, *and* co-parenting? These are life situations not for the weak of heart and lungs. And can I just say I think your kids are deeply blessed to have a mom who's doing what's right and good for them and not what's in her own best interests (I see far too much of this in my line of duty)(and usually, these people end up on Jerry Springer). It's hard, so so hard. I can put myself in your spot right now and feel how hard it would be to pack Melissa off every so many days. Many good vibes and prayers to you on all of this.

Man, I have to get my hiney in gear on the running/slow jogging/brisk walking race thing! You marathoners are putting me in my place!

I intensely like your quote about life. It's true, and important. And also, I like this quote from Scarlett O'Hara: Tomorrow, I'll think of some way...after all, tomorrow is another day. And this one, by Annie: Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, you're only a day a way. (I apologize if that annoying song gets stuck in your head.)

You come across a more self-actualized than most thinker, S, and so my spidey senses tell me you are going to make it to the other side okay. But get going on that exciting book project, Runs With a Cough, or I'll kick you in the pants! (I'm kidding, of course; knowing me like I do, I'll actually try to get you totally off task by offering you some ice cream and a plea to come sit on my couch with me to watch Oprah shows I've tivo'd.)