If I were a dog, I would be hanging my head in shame with my tail between my legs right now. I feel so unworthy to be here. Really, what a schmuck I am for not even having posted/commented on COFFEE lately. I truly love reading ya’lls writing. You guys all intimidate and amaze me with your mad mad writing skillz.
Truth is, I have started countless COFFEE blogs and, as soon as I got to the part where I dig down in the dirt for a bit of honesty, my mind goes on strike and that Janice-like, nagging voice chimes in with “who wants to hear you whine, anyway?” But I skirted my last post and I know that it’s time to face the music.
The last few weeks, my brain feels like big bowl of alphabet soup. Fragments of thoughts... incomplete insinuations of ideas... mists of insight dissipating before my eyes... all disconnected and swirling in a broth of indecision and anxiousness. Why? I’m not really sure. I just lost my footing somewhere along the way and am having the hardest time finding it again.
Maybe it was the pressure of 2011 and the idea that I should have some inkling of a plan for it... Or maybe it’s the fact that a few dozen wrenches have been thrown into my original plans over the past couple years/months. (Yes, big changes are coming… more on this at a later date).
All I know is that my biggest obstacle right now is trying to picture my future. Trying to...what’s the word...visualize? Those of you that know me know that I’ve worked at this music thing for a long time. I’ve literally arranged my life around it. I used to know exactly where I wanted to be. But lately, I just feel lost.
I’m officially disillusioned with the music industry. I’m officially disillusioned with myself.
The accumulation of disappointments has caught up with me and is holding me down like bullies in a schoolyard. Lately, I feel like my fear is this hardened wall of plaque that’s built itself around me over time, protecting me/enslaving me. I feel literally immobilized by it at times. I know, intellectually that it’s ridiculous to let fear hold me hostage. If I was giving myself advice, I’d slip into my best Cher impression and say “Snap out of it!”, but even Cher can’t penetrate the plaque.
Have I lost anyone yet?
The last thing I want is for this post to require a violin soundtrack. I don’t mean to sound pitiful or like I’m fishing... I’m actually hoping this is the beginning of some great epiphany... I’m just awaiting the materialization of said epiphany -- something to sink my teeth into - because frankly, I’m well versed in all the philosophical and spiritual renditions of this tune.
Yes, I could set some tangible, detail-oriented goals like “write 3 new songs a week” or “schedule 4 more gigs” or “walk for 1 hour each day”, but that feels gratuitous and empty at this point. Until that proverbial apple clunks me on my head and knocks the funk right out of me, I will live up to my name and wander...
So, for the purpose of COFFEE, (that is, setting goals and doing them) still...I got nothin’. Waa waa waaaaaa.