So I'm entering 2011 feeling physically strong. I swam the 100 100s New Year's Eve Day and I've been going to Kosama at 6:00 AM each morning since Jan 3. The early rising thing is no small feat, by the way. And I'm happy to report that it hasn't been nearly as hard as I thought it would be. The abdominal work, on the other hand, is just as hard as I thought it would be.
So physically strong, yes. Emotionally, spiritually, creatively strong? Not so much. As a matter of fact, I feel downright weak, like a wet noodle who can't stand herself up, like I don't belong anywhere near the rest of you coffee chicks. I'm instant coffee in a tattered-edge, faded packet that's been in the back of the junk drawer for who knows many how years. And then there's the rest of you... rich, dark, brown, freshly roasted, and aromatic whole coffee beans. I feel utterly intimidated by all your skills and insight and positive energy. Lately I've spewed way more than my share of negativity into the universe. So I've been avoiding you. I blew off my last two posts and I seriously thought about bailing on this whole project.
But here I am posting, albeit over 12 hours late. And instead of listing all the things I'm going to do and then feeling like a failure when I don't do them, I am going into this again with no expectations. My scary project is just doing this, just showing up. Here I am. I think it'll go better for me without the self-imposed pressure I've been self-imposing.
As the unorganized person that I am, following is how I make lists. And this is how I will now approach my COFFEE goals:
- I write down a bunch of things I've already completed
- I add a few things I still need to do.
- I cross off the stuff I've already done, look at my list, think "that's pretty productive" and never look at that particular list again.
- Some days, weeks, months, later, I'll make a new list.
- I've probably accomplished a few of the things that were not crossed off on previous list so I'll write them down on the new list.
- Then I'll cross them off.
- I add the rest of the un-crossed-off things from the previous list.
- I continue to procrastinate the above.
- Rinse and repeat.
Stick with me coffee chicks. Don't give up on me just yet. I hope to eventually make it worth your while.