:: WHY WE BE ::

Boo to false, self-imposed limits, we say. These champion oracles want to live enthusiastically. Follow our trip through projects that challenge, frustrate, and/or scare us. In the end (which is really the middle) we want to live like big bright free and authentically awesome people.

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Saturday, November 6, 2010

Celebration. Yes. (Tanya)

I, Tanya Elaine Hadley, have decided to get serious about our project COFFEE, which can stand for anything we want! So in this post, COFFEE is going to be an acronym for Celebrating Our Feisty Flibbertigibbet Excitable Edges! I'm so stoked for what lies ahead and all the people who join our bid. That being said, my brain has been modestly/mightily stuck and disappointed in what I'm going to do that I can properly say is awesomely uncomfortable and wrought with change to the point that I scream and shout and become B-List famous in my own world. Therefore, I think in this post I will focus on what I've done in the recent past (or however long.....) that has been hideously uncomfortable to to point of a near heart attack, experiencing actual panic attacks or maybe just a sprained ankle, but I've done these things because I want to be THAT PERSON.

1. Public Speaking: Last year I spoke in front of at least 250 people (I believe it was set up for 400 but I never really knew the actual number so I told myself it was 250). I wasn't the main speaker, but I had to do this HUMONGOUS intro to start out this gigantuous training, and then introduce the real important speaker. I mean, microphones and stages were involved. I should also mention I had to do this twice, both morning and noon. I remember telling someone who asked me if I was nervous, "ahh, no not really, I'm more just focused on my morning coffee (ha ha, "coffee"). But, what I was doing was anxiety reducing techniques, which included a) pretending I was completely cup of joe-cool, b) distracting myself by talking to anyone in my path, and c) really truly focusing on that damn cup of coffee. Secretly pushed to the back of my brain, I hoped I wouldn't pass out or vomit on stage. I am known for passing out so this was a real concern for casualty (I won't go into specifics about my history of vomiting other than it always ends with me saying "ohhhh, God".... I can't not say that). Anyway, I should also throw in here that in the last few years, I've had to do several speaking engagements as THE presenter. This has always been to smaller crowds than the above, but still sometimes 50 people who couldn't be nicer still make me get upset stomach (and all the above concerns). I've continued to do these types of things because I want to be some rock star confident gal who just does it without giving it a second thought (and because my boss asks me to do these things).

2. Anger Management and Mindfulness: I started working on letting go of anger and sweating the small stuff. The first post I saved to begin the project was a bumpy start (I did not post it, thank God..... love "drafts"). Something hurtful and unfair had just happened, and I'm pretty sure I've never been angrier (no, pissed) in my life, and I lost some serious mental ground over it. However, I got past my id egocentric self indulged and skewed hard stuck brain and thought, "seriously Tanya! What have you been striving for the past few years to get so stupid mad?" I truly had to think concrete hard, and yes, I had to dig deep. So I chose to follow my own advice and move forward. It's amazing because despite crap happens, radical acceptance of those crap things and embracing the moment to move forward AND BEYOND really does help. Who knew! And, I really do love life, and I believe to my deepest core and in my soul of souls that you make your own life and build your own road. Changing your thinking really does change your life. Possibilities for personal growth are amazing and fun, and we are so friggin lucky we get to do it! Ok, so the point is, and no, I am definitely no motivational coachy person, in the past decade, I decided I was going to be the kind of person who always says something nice and positive and smiles even when sometimes I want to scream my crud and "bones to be picked" to the world and maybe even tell someone to suck it. I have had 78% success so far, but I'm on the upswing hopefully. There, enough about that.........

3. Physical Perseverance: I've completed a marathon (that was like five or six years ago but I'll keep mentioning it because it is highly unlikely I will ever do another), and a few half marathons, a 20K, and numerous 10K, 8K, and 5Ks. My time is all over the map, and I've been running for no reason but for me for about half my life, but I will continue to do these races because it makes me work hard and search really hard for motivation some days. I am not a natural runner and never will be. However, I want to be a runner, and I also don't want to have the same heart attack(s) many of my family members have had, AND probably most importantly, I run so I can eat just a little bit more and still fit into the millions of pairs of jeans that I've spent way too much cash and credit on (I heart premium denim).

4. Physical Health (and Vanity): I quit smoking almost five years ago! Nothing more needs said about this. Seriously. Well, except, man I loved to smoke.

5. Friendship Development: I got divorced. This didn't make me a better person nor was there was any divorce party for me at the end (although those do intrigue me for people who do have them and more power to them!!), but I did survive by the skin of my formerly retainer-ed teeth. I certainly won't ever talk a lot about the specifics as I (personally) think that would just be really wrong, and some things are just too raw and personal and have touched too many hearts. I had a wonderful husband. Wonderful. Period. Anyway, what I will speak of is during this journey, I hit the darkest, ugliest, stinkiest, stupid days of my lifetime. Along the way, however, I found and reconnected with some of the most deeply rooted in my heart rockstarA-Listcouldn'tbemorefabulous friends. I realized the depths of friendships that I will never be able to thank these people for properly.

6. Spiritual Journey: I returned to church. I even went to church school for months! I still feel inept, stupid, and way too big of a sinner going sometimes and worry somebody is going to point at me or ask me a question that I have no idea the answer. I guess if this happens, I will just quickly deploy the kneeler in the pew and drop to my knees yelling, "PLEASE PRAY WITH ME!" Ok, I probably really won't do this. I will likely more realistically turn a question back on that person and "wing it" somehow. I'm pretty good at winging things, if I say so myself. I'm also working on self promotion and just accepting nice words to me with a "thank you." Why ARE we are all so bad about this anyway? Such as, "you look nice today," followed by a usual response of "uhggg, my hair looks awful, and this outfit would look better on anybody else..." or "that was a great idea in the meeting today," refuted with "oh I'm sure I've had enough stupid ones too." Children have us adults beat on this one. You tell a kid they did something great, and they just say, "I know!!" But, sorry, I digress. Back on on the road again......

7. Adult Fiscal Responsibility (sort of, maybe?): I bought my own house! I mean, literally, just me. Just me!! I bought a loft Downtown KC in the River Market, and despite not really loving all the aspects of being a loft owner/resident or being nearly cool enough to co-exist with all the cool urbanites Downtown, I still have said loft (due to the economy and the impossible idea of selling anytime in the foreseeable future), and I have since rented it to a young, hip, 20-something, artist kind of guy. Now with my dogs, aka my children, I'm comfortably living in a little old brick house with a nice fenced yard just a little bit on the wrong side of town.

8. Stretching Clinical Muscles: I started doing private practice. I've always wanted to do this, and I finally just took the big hairy scary dive and now love it! Thank you Private Practice.

9. Being a Flibbertigibbet et al: I've done karaoke. This may sound silly and maybe even slightly reaching for a little celebration, but I've done it like five (5) times! I love to sing, and although I'm not more than average or maybe even a little impaired, it fills my soul and makes me experience enormous joy and freedom from my everyday self of containment and composure. My favorite venue so far has been singing at a gay sports bar. I sang loud and proud, and those gay men couldn't have cared less what my butt looked like! Woo!

I want a Number 10, but this WILL strike me later. Maybe Number 10 is the big cool thing that I'm GOING to do that's going to change my persona forever! Maybe I will make that visit to Medjugorje, maybe I will go to Rome to drink lots o wine, but I am going to stretch my soul's muscles and train them hard. That, I am going to do. Of course, I am still going to jump out that airplane, which is a whole different kind of muscle, and I don't even care if I pee my pants. I will be shouting proud! And THEN, Numbers 11, 12, 13, 14, 15........... Woot woot!

So, yes sirs and ma'ams, I am going to continue in my second post by celebrating a little. I am taking a moment to focus on Celebrating Our Feisty Flibbertigibbet Excitable Edges. I think it's Patresa who said something like, "my edges are blurry" or something close. Well I like very very blurry and messy fly-by-the-seat of my pants edges, and I hope to like them more and more!

Humbled greatly, I am deeply falling for my fellow COFFEEs. You women inspire me, and I thank you for letting me tag along. Rock on ladies.


T-Free said...

Wow. The public speaking accomplishment would have reduced me to a shivering mass of girl nerves. I can't believe you did that. Way to go! I like your "fake it 'til you make it" confidence boosting technique. I'm going to borrow that one, if you don't mind.

Hey! I know about the K.C. River Market area! I lived in Lawrence for years and played shows in bands in the K.C. area quite often. That is so cool that you bought a loft there. Neat area.

I am so inspired by all of your numbers and can't wait to hear all about number 10! Rock on, Tanya! :)

patresa said...

Wooo! GREAT IDEA FOR A POST, T-Dawg! Maybe I'll steal this and celebrate a few of my courageous past moves, too. Nice.

I love your positivity, and I think it takes great courage (a lot of times the negative stuff is so much easier. it takes real guts to dig for the good stuff).

You are my role model runner!

And KARAOKE. Tanya, I did not know this. We must plan a karaoke outing. We must.

Also, I think you understated your premium denim collection.

You are awesome.

Wendy Jans said...

Tanya, Great post! I just love the fact that you're pursuing the better you with great intention! Think of all the people in the world that don't even *think* about how they could be better, let alone trying for it. You are a brave and abitious woman and inspire me to be less fearful in my own life. Can't wait to hear #10.

amy said...

Tanya, this post made me wish we were neighbors (also, I could mooch off of you by asking for a deep neighbor discount if I ever needed to visit your private practice).

I'm terrible at anger management myself. Just last weekend, I was at Boo at the Zoo and some stranger stuck her nose in my business and I got really passive aggressive with her instead of just being up front and telling her to mind her own business. I am still having revenge fantasies about this in which I decimate her. DECIMATE her.

I am in awe of both you and Patresa, and a couple of other marathon-completers I know offline. I am planning to pick your brains for motivation/tips (once I haul my walrus butt off my couch and begin).

And finally, my husband's been smoke free for like 20 years, and I asked him the other day if he ever missed it. He said (very solemnly): "I think about cigarettes every single day of my life." Smoking quittage takes GUTS, chick. Yay TANYA!

Steph said...

T-Money... How much did I enjoy reading your post??? TONS & TONS & TONS!!!!!! You, friend, are amazing!
I love that you are so positive and able to celebrate the good stuff in your life. It's so easy to focus on the negatives, the don't-haves, the ick. You choose to look past that stuff and not just acknowledge but ACCEPT and WELCOME the good! This cuts right to the heart of that intentionality concept I'm trying to incorporate in my own life. You told me you didn't know how to do that! Friend, I think you have it down pat! KUDOS!
I am honored to be along for the ride and to witness your numbers 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18.... etc... For real. YOU are AMAZING! Fact.

Tanner May (Tanya) said...

Thanks COFFEEs! As my Texas cousins would say, "ya'all" are so inspiring!

Tawni, how cool would have that been had you played in the River Market when I lived there?!! I bet you rocked it! It is such a great area.... nothing like just walking around Farmer's Market, listening to live music and eating dinner. THAT I do miss..... And yes, I fake it til I make it ALL the time.

P-Dawg! YES let's karaoke! You can help carry me sister. And oh yeah, my premium denim love is so much more (addiction??? and I so am not ready to face this!). :) :) Btw, YOU my friend are an AMAZING runner. Ahhh-mazing. You also rock in every single way.

Wendy, THANK YOU! Also, I bought this book this weekend called THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS. I am really loving it.. the contagious kindness acts that are so simple (and also how sometimes we're actually nicer to strangers, which I will have to mull over more....) Check it out, I think you'll like it!!

Amy, Oh how cool would that be? And neighbors get everything for FREE! Ha! I didn't see the stinky zoo person, but I think you were justified. Totally. Thanks on the shout out on running, but again, let me reiterate, I am so not a natural runner. :) And your husband is spot on with his "everyday" remark.

Steph, Thanks my dear friend! You are the epitome of positivity!! I am so glad to get to be along for your ride(s) too! Again, as I think I already said, I am just so struck by the contagiousness of kindness and just trying to be "just a little bit better." PLUS, man, putting it in black and white equals accountable (which is a good thing for this girl!).