:: WHY WE BE ::

Boo to false, self-imposed limits, we say. These champion oracles want to live enthusiastically. Follow our trip through projects that challenge, frustrate, and/or scare us. In the end (which is really the middle) we want to live like big bright free and authentically awesome people.

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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Progress Schmogress (Wendy)

I'm not gonna lie. I almost forgot that it was my turn to post. In fact, I have had family in town, from Iowa, for the past 5 days and have nary spent any time visiting our beloved world wide web, let alone reading the clever posts by my COFFEE sisters (sorry about that, guys). And so, my Call Bill project has been put on hold.

It seems like this doubt-infused phase is a common thing, though... Jumping into a project with the fervor of a thousand hungry elephants only for the slithery snake of fear to creep back in... Then the feet start dragging, the palms start sweating, the brain starts going counter-clockwise - with thoughts like "That was kind of a stupid idea"..."Why bother?"..."Put down the crackpipe and be reasonable"... and before you know it, you've got a full-on case of the Negative Ninnies invading the pretty space you so idealistically created.

I'm definitely not speaking for all of the COFFEE chicks, particularly because you all seem to be blowing me out of the water in terms of tangible strides, but I do notice that everyone seems to struggle with this phenomenon at least to an extent.

I have to admit that lately, I've been thinking about some of the Bills on my list and having doubts like "...he really doesn't give a crud about you anyway... You're just being overly sentimental...You're setting yourself up". Fortunately, ever since I read The Artist's Way, I do recognize these voices as the imposter, and a natural part of the process.

But regardless, that's where I'm at. Minor setback as of late. But, I will resume activity. I have dipped a foot into the water and I'm fixin' to wade to my knees with the help of the super rad COFFEE chicks to inspire me!


Tanner May (Tanya) said...

Hey Wendy, I think the fact you posted after being inundated with family for five days is pretty cool right there. I post in a few days, and I have little to report sister (and I have not had above family visiting but instead will be going to invade family and eat up all their food and drink their wine). :)

Cool on kicking the imposters to the sidelines. You continue to inspire me!

Steph said...

I commend and admire you for sucking it up and writing even though you've been crazed, busy, and otherwise battling the dark forces... Takes "guts" to say as much. Sho does.
We do all have that negative influence, that Impostor who wants us to abandon our excitement, our fervor, our goals. Maybe it's churchy to say this, but I'm saying it anyway. I think that means that we're close to where we need to be and to what we should be doing. One of my favorite mentors once told me this: the closer I get to who and what God is calling me to be, the harder Satan works to turn me away from that. That's hard to believe at times, because sometimes I know that it's ME who gets in my own way. Yet, somehow, I also acknowledge that Satan knows me well and uses the lure of "easier" or those kinds of doubts to steer me in the direction he would rather me go. I'm too easy a target normally... I guess I hear that same thing in what you're saying. SO, those doubts and Negative Ninnies are all the more reason to keep those Bills on your mind and keep making plans and picking up the phone to re-connect with Bills!
Hang in, keep on keepin' on, and I hope you have a super special holiday with that family that's invaded! :)

patresa said...

setback shmetshmack!

you have had a big week, and i know a stinky one in some ways. so, totally understandable. and i absolutely totally for sure get the negative ninnies. yes. there are 2 things i think:

1. that growth needs friction or it isn't actually growth; and

2. that it's best to trust the original impulse--whatever project we've been leaning toward, there's probably a reason for it, and it's probably a good one, and we could probably stand to keep reminding ourselves to trust.

you're alright, wbj! keep truckin.

amy said...

I think progress is full of negative ninnies and imposter voices, Wendy, because progress is never linear (if it were, I'd be 115 lbs, have an Oscar, be happily married to Gerard Butler, own my own private island near Tahiti, and would be highly sought after for just about everything) (and my hair would always be perfectly smooth and shiny, like in the Pantene commercials).

So you start a little here, and you stop for awhile over there, and then you sprint a few yards, then slow jog a mile, then take a water/bathroom break that occasionally turns into a 60 minute nap (that you REALLY needed), and then you get up and you walk on for a good 2 hours. Then you take a break. Eventually you get where you wanted to be, and it's right where you need to be (the Universe may have plotted you off a few degrees latitudinally and longitudinally, but that's just what It likes to do for amusement sometimes).

In other words, I think you're doing just fine. (For instance, I had ice cream tonight. And cake earlier this week. And pie on Saturday. And in 2 days, I'm going to be a total glutton. A mere tiny little setback on my big, major plan, Stan.) (Noooobody tell Jackie, though! She scares the bejeebus out of me.)

In other words, I think you're doing just a-ok, Wendy J.

Wendy Jans said...

Tanya, slackers unite! (I'm not calling you a slacker really, just appreciating your empathy...thanks!)

Steph, that's a really insightful perspective - I don't think it's churchy - I agree with you... Thanks for the reminder!

Patresa, yes, there's a reason for the impulse! That's another good reminder. Trust it. This is where i think I get into trouble.

Amy, "the Universe may have plotted you off a few degrees latitudinally and longitudinally, but that's just what It likes to do for amusement sometimes"... man, you're good!

Thanks for the encouragement ya'll! You rock.

blj said...

Sorry for the slow comment, better late than never, yeah? I totally feel your doubts as I'm having them myself. Even though people are often insightful enough to recognize when our thoughts are counter productive, it's still hard to stop the inner dialogue. But awareness is great first step. Hang in there.

T-Free said...

I am desperately trying to get caught up after my vacation, and I have to tell you, I could SO relate to this post, Wendy. I am officially going through this same phase too.

I skipped my post yesterday because I didn't have anything to report. I'm being so lame. I've had three days free this week to write and only took advantage of one of them. Sigh.

Today I recognized it, the imposter voice of which you speak, and got really mad at myself. I'm self-sabotaging again, and I want to knock it off. Get out of my way, Me!

Reading that you are going through something similar really made me feel better, like this is normal and I will get through it, so thank you so much. You inspired me. xoxo.