It's almost 10 PM, Monday night (I'm writing this Monday night 11/22, almost a full week before this post is officially due) as I type this. We'll be traveling back from St. Louis when this goes up, and I will have had no access to internet/computers for the last 5 days, so I'm pre-scheduling my schedule. It's a convoluted story as to why, but just know: right now, as you read this, I am in a car somewhere on an interstate in the south eastern part of America and I'm either: really very relaxed, reading a good book, and thinking about how much simpler life was pre-Microsoft and the internet/blogs/facebook/ipad/iphone explosion....or I'm biting all my acrylic fingernails off, wondering what types of intrigue and drama I've missed on the internets--five days off the internet is like being Tom Hanks' character in CASTAWAY: you come back, and everything is weird and strange and whole lives have ended and begun without you.
So. Let me get into my Jackie Warner/You're so FAT! progress thus far: I've been "on program" for about 6 days now. I've consumed an entire carton of eggs (hard-boiled), taken multivitamins + an Omega-3 vitamin (and can I just say: even if you get the one that promises "No Fishy After Taste!!" on the label, prepare for the sardine-flavored repeats. I mean, I'm one of sushi's biggest fans...but not at frickin' 8 every morning). I have eaten 1 cup of tasteless, organic oatmeal each day, made valiant efforts to get in all 3 vegetables (fabulous progress on the 2 fruits/day), and I have desperately gulped down a whey protein shake (not as tasty as it smells) once per day. I have drunk (mostly) water, I have worked out at least every other day really hard, and I have eaten really, really healthy (for me). All good accomplishments.
Which is why I want everyone to know I'm giving myself a big high five on everything I've accomplished, even if on Friday I did have a rather large-ish piece of "Thanks for all you do!" carrot cake provided by school administration. And, later, after enjoying my cake, I made a Kindergartner cry big, pitiful tears (because he was being disrespectful and has been since showing up in my class on Day One, and so I had to throw away his special turkey treat in front of God and everyone because before starting this fun edible art project we did discuss (with me repeatedly and pointedly looking directly at him) how disrespectful, obnoxious punk-type people do not get to partake in Ms. S's fun edible art projects. This made me feel really horrible and crappy, but also like: Welcome to Life 101, kid. (These are the emotions that drive me to get into all kinds of shenanigans with my M&M friends after school.)
And don't even get me started on the stuff that went down at home; we'll be here all day. I will say that I've been on a hormonal roller coaster for quite some time (it's the Mirena's fault, and I think a side COFFEE project should be for me to just have a doctor yank that thing out--it's convenient, but it's also giving me weird migraine-like headaches, bizarre hormonal surges, odd hot flashes, and bad bouts of fatigue) (for more TMI, click HERE), and this always leads me to make very lame decisions which I tend to regret in huge, awful flashbacks for WEEKS later.
In the face of aaaaall of this, I battled through these dark forests, fought the T-Rex-like fire breathing dragons that lurk within. High five, Amy S.! Gooo ME!
...Until Saturday when I caved and ate way too much stuffing and potatoes and pumpkin pie at a pre-Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's. And today, when I had a quarter pounder and fries for lunch. And pizza for dinner. And drank 3 diet cokes. In ONE day. (I'm drinking one now, as a matter of fact.)
We're meeting a friend for dinner tomorrow night, and I am not even going to lie: there will be something unhealthy on my plate that would make Jackie W. so very frown-y. I've had quite the week (stupid weAk! as Tanya would say), and Jackie and I aren't on speaking terms at the moment because I don't want to hear it; I have no patience for her pep talks right now. I just want some raw chocolate chip cookie dough and a really big double malt chocolate milkshake. And NO I don't want to do an extra 45 minutes on the stair climber, Jackie. I just want to drink my double chocolate malt milkshake and eat my raw cookie dough and watch back-to-back reruns of House Hunters and Ghost Hunters International while lurking on some of the more dysfunctional message boards at ivillage.com. OKAY, Jackie? Okay??
However! I will note that I have not given in to my bad crowd of friends' (the M&M's) urgings, and have resisted going on shenanigan-like milkshake/raw cookie dough binges. I've been culling it for the most part, and this is new for me. Like, before I began this challenge, I would go off my new lifestyle plans and just wallow in my old ways, like a pig (a lucky pig living happily on a small and sustainable preferably locally-owned farm) wallows in the mud on a hot summer day.
This is very, very important: I had the carrot cake which was the size of my head...but I did NOT head back at the end of the day to also have a head-sized piece of German chocolate cake, and some cookies, and some cheesecake...and they begged us (begged us) to do this over the intercom during end-of-day announcements on the account of they had exactly 10 tons of sweet indulgences left over; but I was all: hells no, people. Stop rewarding people with sugar-laden hormone-messing-up junk food. And I had the pumpkin pie at my mom's, but not 3/4 of the entire pie...4 weeks ago, I would have been unable to only eat a sliver-sized slice.
And I ate the fries and burger and pizza today, but I also had a sensible breakfast, limited the amount of pizza and put a salad with it, AND I worked my pooper off cleaning, doing laundry, and hauling butt up and down precarious attic steps to bring down very heavy boxes of Christmas decorations (seriously, January 2010 Amy, did you actually think trying to maneuver yourself and twenty 50 lb boxes of decorations down flimsy wooden steps while leaf blowing neighbors eyed you curiously would be the best fun for November 2010 Amy??).
Which is how I knew I worked my body really hard today: because I reeked just like I'd been walking up a 15.0 incline at a 5.0 pace on a gym treadmill for 60 minutes when I picked Melissa up from daycare. (Christmas blessings to you, Ms. Sarah, for not backing up 10 feet from me when I entered your olfactory zone this afternoon.) (I suppose working with twelve or more still-in-poopy-diapers toddlers all day does tend to desensitize a nose.)
And tomorrow? I will eat crap for dinner, but I will force myself to visit the gym for a hard workout beforehand.
In other words, I got nothin' for this post. I was going to wax poetic about school lunches and how we feed our children vs. how we feed ourselves and also try to figure out a way to plug Jamie Oliver who I think is really cute with his slight lisp, even if he did bite off way more than he can chew (heh) when he decided he was going to revamp all of America's school lunch programs like he did England's. (Quite frankly, I think Jamie should just focus on Texas. Texas always seems to need so much help.)
But I have to pack still and visit a friend and her new baby tomorrow and fix my messed up pedicure (the perils of walking/running workouts) and find my inner Zen, because I'm about to get into a car for a 9+ hour drive with a 2 year old who says everything exactly 20 times ("I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice I want juice." Seriously, everybody. NINE hours of this).
And then I have to drive through all those scary, windy mountainous parts of Tennessee (seriously, Wendy, what the poop?). And then I have to fight off my strong urge to shovel (literally: shovel) all types of sugar and other process-y foods into my face on Thanksgiving. But! I have work out clothes ready to go into my suitcase. And I will take Jackie's book (and spirit) along for moral support. And my journal (which I haven't updated since, oh, Wednesday--I'll spend some Thanksgiving vacation updating/working on that). And I have water bottles, with lemon added. And healthy car ride snacks. And a portable DVD player and about 20 different Dora the Explorer DVDs. And headphones that fit a 2 year old's head perfectly.
We did pack juice in the travel cooler, in case you were concerned.
Up next time: I plan to split my grocery store run between Whole Foods and my usual Kroger, and write about it. "It" includes everything from the experience itself to the quality of the foods I buy to the people who are shopping around me (which, quite frankly, is the only reason I ever even leave my house: because there will be other people to watch and wonder about).