:: WHY WE BE ::

Boo to false, self-imposed limits, we say. These champion oracles want to live enthusiastically. Follow our trip through projects that challenge, frustrate, and/or scare us. In the end (which is really the middle) we want to live like big bright free and authentically awesome people.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Kill all of the Mice (Holly)

About a week or so ago, I dreamt there were about 20 mice chewing on my pant legs. It was freaky.  I wondered why the hell I would dream about mice and decided it must be significant, so I looked it up.  Here’s what it said,
“To see mice in your dream, indicates that you are spending too much time dwelling on minor problems and insignificant matters and may suggest that someone is trying to bring down your self-confidence. Someone may be nipping away at your resources.  Mice can also symbolize minor irritations and annoyances. Perhaps you are letting petty problems or insignificant issues eat away at you.”
COFFEE mates, it seems a little sacrilege to write about these mice when I have so much other Let’s Get Happy! Festival news for you.  The Universe has been extremely kind to me since I last wrote and the Happy! Fest is going strong!  However, tonight, I’m home alone…feeling a little sad and lonely from killing one of the mice earlier today.  It had to be done, but it’s still sad.  Tomorrow, after a good night’s sleep, I’m sure I’ll be fresh and good as new- and glad to have the mouse dead. 
Here’s what I’ve learned in the last three weeks- having a rewarding, yet demanding, full time job, 2 kids 50% of the time, solo parenting in general, and planning a kick butt all day musical benefit, is a shit ton of work.  It requires excellent time management, energy, and drive.  There is no time for “minor irritations and annoyances”. And, guess what? I do often let them eat away at me.  I spend way too much time trying to figure shit out. Sometimes, a lot of times, it just doesn’t matter. More importantly, all the time and energy used to fuss about insignificant issues could be used for what should be prioritized in my life. Like Artist’s Way, COFFEE Blogging, a meaningful job, my children, and earning money for an organization that probably saved my life.  (HAPPY! FEST)  I need to be Mark in this Love Actually clip.
So there you go. Enough. Enough now.  Holly is moving on to bigger and better things.  Going to live up to my “potential” and more.  One of my greatest joys in life has been to learn about other people and see things from their perspective.  I gathered new experiences and perspectives like a starving woman.  I went to college, I moved to Denver by myself, and I went to Europe five times, visiting most of the countries, some more than once. I’ve slept on a park bench in Paris, cried at Auschwitz, and smoked up in Amsterdam.  I’ve skinny dipped on the Italian Riveria and crashed a moped on the Amalfi Coast.  I met my first husband in a youth hostel in Zakopane, Poland and then racked up a $1200 phone bill calling him as I traveled solo on the fjords of Norway.  I hitchhiked from London to Dublin, once in the pouring rain.  This is when I learned to say that I need a lift, not a ride. I spent a hot day in Rome with only enough money to buy a loaf of bread to spread the peanut butter I brought from home.  I showed up in Malta with no money and no place to stay.  Two weeks later a Maltese woman was shoving Valium down my throat after I got the call that my dad was dead.   I’ve been to two countries in South America, hiking the Inca trail to Machu Pichu in one and adopting my son as well as doing a yoga and meditation retreat in the other.  I’ve been to at least four cities in Mexico and five countries in the Caribbean.  

I told Sam (my ex-husband) that I was lonely a couple months ago and he asked what my definition of loneliness was as it seemed to him I have people around me constantly.  It took me awhile to respond (this was all through text).  Finally, I said that loneliness to me is not having anybody that gives a shit about your day to day life, the little things, the big things.  That day there was a ½ inch of snow covering the back hoe, the dirt piles, the 8 foot hole in the ground, and the remnants of my deck (some scattered across the yard and some still attached to the house).  The birds were happy.  In one swoop of the eye I could see a white-breasted nuthatch, chickadees, both male and female cardinal, and a red-bellied woodpecker.  Though I appreciate what’s going on at my house, I felt like saying to someone, “Look at this mess! Look at those birds!” 
Yes, I have a lot of friends. Real friends.  Angels really.  Nothing is the same, though, as an intimate relationship with a lover.  So, though I will always want to gather more experiences and perspectives, right now, deepening my life is what is important to me. Right now, I’m most interested in quality. Not quantity. All of the things that I mentioned that I’ve done, I essentially did them alone.  It was great and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  I would love to explore the world around me, both near and far, with someone else this time.  Someone I love and who loves me.  Until that happens, I will attempt to focus my energies on adding depth to the life I have now. 
I asked the Decision Dice what the next three months of my life would be like.  Here’s the answer:
I’m not sure Lady Luck smiles on anyone who pushes her too hard. But, having said that, it might be worth a go. Try demanding whatever it is you want. Stand in a field at dawn and scream your demands to the universe. So what if there isn’t anyone there to listen. I bet you get results. But you have to make the first move. The universe has to know what it is you want. Be wild and impulsive. Dare to dream. Have the guts to push your luck. If you dare, you’ll be embarking on a new path in life – one that’s permanent.  All you have to do is make whatever it is you want, known.

Bring it! Better go work on that Bon Jovi proposal:) 
Oh, and any mice?? Beware!


Katie said...

Hi Holly!! My, you are SO adventurous!! I totally wanna see your travel diary, you have been to some seriously amazing places and have done some incredible things. The Machu Pichu I bet was just awe-inspiring, truly. It was on the cover of this month's National Geographic, and so when I see it laying on my bedside table I think, Hey! Holly's been there!! I'm totally hitting you up for travel destination recommendations.

It's such a strange thing, how having someone look at and marvel in the same things feels so important. The shared experience. I know what you mean, and it's hard to see something point-out worthy and not have a pointee. Regardless, I admire your determination to deepen what's happening now, and bide your time and energies until you can deepen your life in new ways. You are a wise woman.

And I can't even imagine the sorrow and panic in Malta. What a hard time that must have been.

You are strong and resilient. Them mice got nuthin on you, girl!

Shoo mice, shoo!!!

blj said...

Exactly, Holly. Couldn't have said it better myself... the part about quality over quantity, having tons of friends but not having what you need when you need it, wanting someone to give a shit about your day. There's no replacement for having someone who considers you their #1 and vice versa. And, by the way, what's the Decision Dice?

Holly said...

This is my second attempt at a comment! Katie, my travels were so incredible and really pale in comparison to so many people I've met here or on the road. The best part about traveling, I think, is that it forces one to be in the moment...consequently, I always feel more ALIVE when traveling. Even if it's just for work in and around Iowa!
Becky, I thought of you a lot as I wrote this one. I know you've said pretty much the same think over the last several months and couple years even. We're so wise, aren't we???
The Decision Dice were given to me for Christmas a few years ago...I put them in the basement and never really messed around with them. I was about to give them as a "white elephant" gift this past Christmas, and thought, NO! Let me play around with them since the Universe is talking to me so loudly! I've used them sparingly (especially since Benjamin lost one of the die for awhile) but when I have, it's been pretty spot on. I'll try and remember to bring them tonight. Thanks, COFFEE Mates!

Angie said...

Don't you just love it when your subconscious decides to get all heavy handed with the dream symbolism? The great thing is, you're listening to it, and responding!

When you're going through the big D, the transition from having someone there all the time to being your own #1 is excruciating. It is one sucky mother of a process. I can tell you it gets a lot better, but when I was going through my divorce and people told me that I usually wanted to punch them in the face. So, I won't say that. I will say hang in there, and I really feel for you.

amy said...

Well, first of all Holly, I'm so jealous you've swum barenaked in Italy. And that you've hiked all over Machu Pichu. AND that you moved to Denver, hung out in Amersterdam, been to Europe more than once, got lifts from London to Dublin, and basically island hopped through the Caribbean. That's livin', right there!

In one of my all-time favorite books (Eat, Pray, Love), there's a part where the author tells a friend she feels guilty making demands of the Universe for her trivial life issues--people are dodging bombs in other parts of the world and dying of hunger, too. And her friend (who grew up dodging bombs in the Middle East) basically says, No way Jose. The Universe is here for you too, and your issues are just as importnat, so why not tell It what you want? And so she did. She told the Universe what she needed and ta da! She pretty much got it.

I think you should go do that very thing--make a big, bold statement to the Universe and tell It what your demands are. And I also think your mice should be pretty frickin' scared, too. And Jon Bon Jovi has no idea what's about to hit him. :-) Woo, Holly H!

Holly said...

Wow, guys....what great comments, thank you. Angie, it really helped me to think about the transition I'm going through. There's been so many other things going on that I don't think I honored that one...or even thought about it as a "transition". Also, excrutiating is a great word. I'm trying to be so tough and cool, I forget that maybe part of that can be having trouble "adjusting". Thank you. Amy, I love Eat, Pray, Love. Love it!! I was soooo jealous of the part when she got to spend so much time in Italy. Ok, jealous about the whole thing...but, I think you may be right. It's my year of transition and listening to the Universe, even though there are people all over the world in a whole lot of pain. Thanks for reminding me of that quote. Even though this is such a hard time for me, I also can't remember a time when I was happier. Weird, eh?

Tanner May (Tanya) said...

Wow. I had no NO idea you had done one ounce of all that. I also want to say I am sorry you learned of your dad's death while you were so far away. My heart really hugs you.

I concur on Eat, Pray, Love. I read it two times during my divorce, and the movie wasn't all bad either (a little cathartic really, just sitting back and watching).

I know what you mean about the little day to day shit. That IS the shit. THE SHIT. (man, that felt good.)

If I was a bettin' man, I'd bet on you, Miss Holly. You make your demands and scream loud. :)

Steph said...

Wayne & Garth, baby. Wayne & Garth.
W.O.W. What wonderful adventures you've had!!! A-mazing!
More and more, we're on the same page. SO on the same page, Holly COFFEE. Depth of life. Quality over quantity... wanting that everyday connection, those shared "things" that only the two of you can appreciate or understand... yes, ma'am!!!
I'm so stoked about Happy Fest and getting to meet & hang out!!!!!!! There aren't words!!!!!! It's going to BE EPIC! EPIC!!!!
Still here if you need help tweaking our proposal, girl. Still here, and excited to be a part of it! Holla!

T-Free said...

Hee hee. You said "shit ton." I knew you were a girl after my own heart. :)

I love that you are shaking off those annoying little mice nibbling at your legs, and instead focusing on HAPPY! Fest and other positive things. Life is too short to let those pesky mice chew on us. Way to go!

Oh my goodness. Reading your list of things you've done and places you've been had me sitting in awed silence. You are kind of amazing, do you realize? Wow. I have barely traveled anywhere in my life, and most of the places you mentioned are on my wish list. I bet you have the best photo albums in the whole wide world!

I know what you mean about wanting someone to share the little things with. I have wondered most of my life why I can't see something cool, and just keep it to myself. Why can't it just be a cool moment (like a vast array of pretty birds in the yard at once) for me alone? Aren't my eyes enough? And why does something cool somehow matter more if I am able to share it with someone? It's still the same cool moment either way, after all. I have worked on being at peace alone my whole life, just witnessing things alone and being okay with that. But it can be hard sometimes. It must just be something inherent and biological that makes us feel the need to share, yes? Writing has always been a really great place for me to do this, which is just another reason why it is so cool to write for this website, and to be able to get to know so many cool people here. Love it.

I also love this:

"Stand in a field at dawn and scream your demands to the universe... The universe has to know what it is you want."

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I have started announcing what I want out loud, and making positive affirmations when I'm alone in the house every day. It makes me feel crazy, but I really think that I need to hear it as much as the universe does. Keeps us both on track, right? :)

Steph said...

P.S. I LOOOOOOOVE, LOVE, LOVE (!!!!!) Mark in that movie, especially that scene! One of the best ALL TIME! :)