I don't have a lot to say today, mostly because I am utterly exhausted and nauseated. I am in too much abdominal and lower back pain to sleep, and can no longer eat (I choked down an avocado today, and that's it). I'm not even excited that I've lost 12 pounds in the last few weeks, because being too sick to eat is not the way I wanted to lose the last of my pregnancy weight.
Although I am tired of hearing myself whine about this issue, I feel the need to explain my lameness as of late. When you feel like you have the stomach flu all of the time, it sucks the motivation to accomplish things right out of you. I'm sure you've been there, and know what I mean, right? When you spend the day hovering in puke purgatory, cold-sweating, mouth watering, stomach roiling, wondering if you should run for the restroom or not? I can barely get my kid ready for school every morning. I have to stop, sit down, and wait for the nausea to subside every few minutes. What used to take 15 minutes takes an hour. It's ridiculous.
The good news is that I am having surgery tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. to hopefully correct/remove what has been making me hurt all of the time. I am dreading the surgery in the way that a normal human should dread having a five-inch-long incision sliced into their abdomen, but praying that after the 6-8 week recovery period, it will make me feel a bit closer to human again. I am not even hoping to feel good again at this point, I only hope to feel not bad. Anything above and beyond that will be a pleasant and much appreciated surprise. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt okay.
I will be updating my personal website if/when I feel up to it. You can read extensively about my grody health issues there if you're interested. I don't self-monitor on that site at all, so I apologize in advance for offensive language or TMI-type details. I like to share what many would consider TMI, because I don't think there is such a thing as too much information. In my experience, there is often not enough information. I like to think that I play a small role in rectifying that absence when I share information. I write all about it, and hope that maybe someone out there will read it, relate to it, and feel less alone. And that thought makes me happy.
More here: http://myshinyhell.blogspot.com/
It's funny to me that my world, and therefore my main COFFEE Project goal, has become all about my health, when I was wanting to, and finally actually starting to focus on my writing goals. Poor health has a way of prioritizing everything in your life this way, doesn't it? When you no longer have your health, you instantly realize how very little the petty, trivial, or not-essential-to-life things actually matter. For example, months ago, I was stressing about how I will look in a bikini this summer when my husband won a trip to Costa Rica in June. I started working out constantly. Now, I can't work out at all, and I'm just hoping to be able to go. (And maybe not feel like barfing all day long, as long as I'm hoping for things.) Ahhhh, perspective. There you are again, you elusive little minx.
Today I went to the library to pick up the 20+ books I reserved. I now have a mini-library next to my bed. I haven't been letting myself read books for the last few months in an attempt to focus more on writing, which worked, but I think I'm going to need my favorite escape right now. I got them home, lovingly lined them up on the book shelf next to my bed, and nearly started drooling. I got giddy with reader anticipation just looking at all of those awesome books. I have missed my number one favorite hobby so much.
My COFFEE Project for the next few weeks will be trying to stay positive, be brave, and to get myself up out of bed and moving around as soon as possible, which is supposed to really speed up the post-surgery recovery time. I am going to focus on remembering that the this surgically-derived pain is only temporary, and is a means to a greater end.
My love to everybody reading this. xoxo.