:: WHY WE BE ::

Boo to false, self-imposed limits, we say. These champion oracles want to live enthusiastically. Follow our trip through projects that challenge, frustrate, and/or scare us. In the end (which is really the middle) we want to live like big bright free and authentically awesome people.

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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Surgery and Spice and Everything Not Nice (Tawni)

I don't have a lot to say today, mostly because I am utterly exhausted and nauseated. I am in too much abdominal and lower back pain to sleep, and can no longer eat (I choked down an avocado today, and that's it). I'm not even excited that I've lost 12 pounds in the last few weeks, because being too sick to eat is not the way I wanted to lose the last of my pregnancy weight.

Although I am tired of hearing myself whine about this issue, I feel the need to explain my lameness as of late. When you feel like you have the stomach flu all of the time, it sucks the motivation to accomplish things right out of you. I'm sure you've been there, and know what I mean, right? When you spend the day hovering in puke purgatory, cold-sweating, mouth watering, stomach roiling, wondering if you should run for the restroom or not? I can barely get my kid ready for school every morning. I have to stop, sit down, and wait for the nausea to subside every few minutes. What used to take 15 minutes takes an hour. It's ridiculous.

The good news is that I am having surgery tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. to hopefully correct/remove what has been making me hurt all of the time. I am dreading the surgery in the way that a normal human should dread having a five-inch-long incision sliced into their abdomen, but praying that after the 6-8 week recovery period, it will make me feel a bit closer to human again. I am not even hoping to feel good again at this point, I only hope to feel not bad. Anything above and beyond that will be a pleasant and much appreciated surprise. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt okay.

I will be updating my personal website if/when I feel up to it. You can read extensively about my grody health issues there if you're interested. I don't self-monitor on that site at all, so I apologize in advance for offensive language or TMI-type details. I like to share what many would consider TMI, because I don't think there is such a thing as too much information. In my experience, there is often not enough information. I like to think that I play a small role in rectifying that absence when I share information. I write all about it, and hope that maybe someone out there will read it, relate to it, and feel less alone. And that thought makes me happy.

More here: http://myshinyhell.blogspot.com/

It's funny to me that my world, and therefore my main COFFEE Project goal, has become all about my health, when I was wanting to, and finally actually starting to focus on my writing goals. Poor health has a way of prioritizing everything in your life this way, doesn't it? When you no longer have your health, you instantly realize how very little the petty, trivial, or not-essential-to-life things actually matter. For example, months ago, I was stressing about how I will look in a bikini this summer when my husband won a trip to Costa Rica in June. I started working out constantly. Now, I can't work out at all, and I'm just hoping to be able to go. (And maybe not feel like barfing all day long, as long as I'm hoping for things.) Ahhhh, perspective. There you are again, you elusive little minx.

Today I went to the library to pick up the 20+ books I reserved. I now have a mini-library next to my bed. I haven't been letting myself read books for the last few months in an attempt to focus more on writing, which worked, but I think I'm going to need my favorite escape right now. I got them home, lovingly lined them up on the book shelf next to my bed, and nearly started drooling. I got giddy with reader anticipation just looking at all of those awesome books. I have missed my number one favorite hobby so much.

My COFFEE Project for the next few weeks will be trying to stay positive, be brave, and to get myself up out of bed and moving around as soon as possible, which is supposed to really speed up the post-surgery recovery time. I am going to focus on remembering that the this surgically-derived pain is only temporary, and is a means to a greater end.

My love to everybody reading this. xoxo.


patresa said...

ugggghhhhhhh. tawni tawni tawni. what a long ride this has been, no? well, it sounds like it's nearing the end. 6-8 weeks, and then…. i bet you'll feel amazing, if not simply by comparison.

you are made of tough things. big prayers for you.

blj said...

Tawni- I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but way to keep everything in perspective. You are one tough coffee chick. Hang in there, I'm thinking of you and will monitor your progress on your blog. Heal fast!!

Wendy said...

Oh Tawni... you've been in my thoughts and my prayers too. I think you're gonna feel downright GOOD when all is said and done, I really do.

When you say that health issues are real priority hogs, I so agree. I cannot stand those cold/flu commercials where someone's groaning in agony in bed and then they pop a pill and next thing you know they're twirling underneath a disco ball. Pssssha! Fiction!

Anyway, I know what a book fanatic you are, so I hope you are able to enjoy that part of it.

Feel better soon, Freebird.

Tanner May (Tanya) said...

Tawni, I am sending so many thoughts, prayers, and endless hugs. I think you are truly an amazing woman, and I just cannot tell you enough how you continue to inspire us all. You are strong, and you deserve to feel anything you do..... I also wish you all the positivity and bravery in the world as well sister. I know you crave this, and I can tell this is the core of who you are. Be kind and well to yourself. You are so right on about perspective...... you own perspective my friend.

Anyway, sending you all kinds of feel good (REALLY FEEL GOOD) vibes, and take good kind care of your body and soul. Enjoy your wonderful reading.

You rock T-Free. :)

amy said...

Tawni, Tawni! I'm so glad you made it out of surgery okay. And now, on to the healing! My good healing vibes are being sent and you are being wrapped in lots of warm healing light.

And you are right--poor health does put it all into perspective. I get horrific cramps occasionally (I have uterine fibroids) (I know this is timi--sorry John, sorry other male readers) that literally send me to bed or (at least the last 2 times) to the floor of my classroom. The last time I was about to leave (late) for the day, and the daycare was closing in 40 minutes. I just needed the nausea to pass so I could safely drive to get my daughter--it did, and I got her, but man. It's scary stuff, when crap happens in your women parts.

I'm glad you're healing, and I'm glad you got a lot of library books to keep you busy, and I'm REALLY glad you got rid of those last 12 lbs. even if it was through the Lone Avocado Because That's All I Can Stomache Right Now Diet. I am going to keep blasting you with good healing vibes and thoughts. Hang in there, T-bird.

Katie said...

Hi Tawni. Gosh, times are hard when your health is in the crapper. I am in constant awe of the people going about their functional lives while doing chemo (I'm eyeballing you, Holly and Charles!) or dealing with chronic pain, or chronic fatigue or any of the other conditions that force you to recognize and assess daily your reserves.

Tawni, I so wish this was not happening. But since it is, I know you will thoroughly enjoy your books, treat yourself well, and will appreciate every day that dawns without nausea, pain or the unrelenting grind that comes with having to deliberatly measure the effort each move takes.

Big love and healing vibes, and plenty of space for restful naps, coming your way. I'll stay updated using your other site, but keep us posted, ok?

Hugs and hugs and hugs.

Steph said...

Oh, Tawni COFFEE... prayers and hugs, friend. I hate that you are where you are, going through what you're going through, and feeling what you're feeling. Girl stuff SUCKS royally, S-U-C-K-S!!! Am glad you've taken this bull by the horns and are taking care of it and that in the end you will feel good again - better than just NOT BAD and just like YOU again...
I think taking up with your old besties at this point in time is JUST what the doctor ordered. So glad you're surrounding yourself with these good, old friends! I hope each and every page brings you satisfaction and a smile in the face of discomfort and ickiness! Enjoy, friend.
Much love and warm wishes for a quick and complete recovery! Will be checking out the blog to get the latest. Hope you feel good enough to keep us up to date!